Our endless enthusiasm for sipping things through narrow tubes has birthed much innovation in the straw market. It has also created a new anxiety: lip wrinkles.
Traditional straws force sippers to purse their lips around the opening in an expression that many believe, over time, creates wrinkles around your lips, called perioral lines.
Enter the anti-wrinkle straw, shaped like the number 7, with a small hole at the top horizontal portion that allows users to drink without pursing their lips.
I never drink through straws, nor do I worry about lip wrinkles. So not a product for me. But enough people do use straws, and do worry about lip wrinkles, to have created a demand for this product.
Jessica Krane was the inventor of "face-o-metrics." This was a technique for removing wrinkles by stroking your face. At least, Krane claimed that wrinkles would disappear.
I like that the blurb on the jacket of her book declares, "BASIC WOO is for you— and so is EXTENDED WOO!"
'Basic Woo' was one of her wrinkle-removal techniques, but of course 'woo' can also mean bunk, poppycock, etc. Was the highlighting of this word some kind of surreptitious message to readers from a copywriter?
My Macbook's dictionary notes that the meaning of 'woo' as bunk originated in the 1970s "probably in imitation of a wailing sound traditionally attributed to ghosts and humorously associated with mysticism and the supernatural." So, since Krane's book was published in 1969, 'woo' wouldn't have yet had it's modern meaning. Still, an odd coincidence.
In 1971, Leah Heale of San Jose, CA was granted Patent No 3,575,165 for this rather uncomfortable looking "facelift device." From the patent:
A facelift device adapted to be worn on the head in a manner that it may be covered by a wig, the facelift device including an anchor portion adapted to be engaged by the ends of a multiplicity of tension members, the other ends of which are selectively secured to the wearer's skin closely adjacent the hairline and in a position to tension the skin to eliminate lines and wrinkles therefrom.
Since opportunity has not yet been afforded for scientific examination of a wrinkled lady wearing this face-lifting top-knot, judgement of its efficacy can only be theoretical. But there does seem the psychological danger that its wearers would suffer under the delusion that they were being continually assailed by scalp-hunting Sioux Indians.
And according to researchers in the General Motors laboratories examining the reactions of the human body in accident situations, some expertise may be vital in judging the degree of tension applied to the temple-grippers. The GM people reported that the scalp, notably tough and elastic, can stand forces up to 610 lb per square inch before tissue damage sets in. Facial covering is less resistant and that over the cheekbones shows wear and tear at a load of 208 lb. So tensing the scalp-hackles to anything much over a third of their overhead capacity might well result in the beauty-seeker finding herself instead with her nose coming away at the seams and her ears getting a divorce from her cranium.
And even if all tensilities were precisely adjusted, one cannot banish the feeling that the taut-faced beauty, though smoother-cheeked than any baby's bottom, would have her brows so steeply arched and her eyes so shockingly widened that she would spend her day bearing a look of permanent surprise and with the mien of one who is being externally goosed.
They should sell this stuff at home improvement stores, because whenever I do a DIY project I somehow always end up with filthy knees.
The Minologi Hizaawana Foam Clear Pack will form a bubbly layer over your knees and elbows and work its magic for 10-15 minutes. After that you just peel it off and discover what the real color of your skin was underneath those pesky dirt particles. You'll never feel cleaner!
Paul Di Filippo
Paul has been paid to put weird ideas into fictional form for over thirty years, in his career as a noted science fiction writer. He has recently begun blogging on many curious topics with three fellow writers at The Inferior 4+1.