Chuck’s Hand-Picked Overnight Weird News for Wednesday

U.S.’s new hostility toward Iran: We sell them cigarettes; they die sooner
Iran may be a pillar of the Axis of Evil, and the fulcrum of Middle East unrest, but fortunately, the U.S. can make money trading with them. A CNN investigation found cigarettes to be our chief export, but there was lots of other stuff, including brassieres and bull semen. CNN
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Behold Timothy Placko, whose explanation (when it comes) ought to be a good one
Police in Port St. Lucie, Fla., found him in his car, along with a blond wig, rope, binoculars, an 18-inch machete, knives, gloves, a canister containing 18 human teeth, and a stack of women’s sonograms he had printed from the Internet. Palm Beach Post
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Ya don’t mess with Texas (Texas judges, that is)
Tiffany Walton, 23, convicted in Tyler of armed robbery (which she perp’ed because she needed money to pay her probation fees), was sentenced to 30 yrs in the slammer. (She had no prior felonies, and she wasn’t even the one with the gun.) On the other hand, in Houston, William Serrano, same age, got only 5 yrs more than that, and he actually murdered a guy. (Bonus motive: The guy’s feet stank.) Tyler Morning Telegraph // Houston Chronicle
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More sites added to the soaring scrap-metal market
It started with just stealing, well, scrap metal, but prices are so high that thieves then moved on to stealing electrical wire (including some that was “currently” being used, if you get my drift, and some of them are no longer with us). Now, catalytic converters got ripped right off of cars in San Antonio and a cell-phone tower went down in Tullahoma, Tenn. (no service for two weeks!). WOAI-TV (San Antonio) // The Tennessean
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Pedophile with a plan
Austin, Tex., police arrested Leroy Mcafee, 55, and charged him with molesting the 11-yr-old girl they found him with, and they say he told them he had molested “two or three” other girls but that he wasn’t saying who they were, “telling police he wanted to write about it in his autobiography.” Austin American-Statesman
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The glorious sadomasochism-libel trial of Max Mosley is underway
He’s the overseer of international Formula One racing yet has very publicly sued Britain’s leading tabloid but not for bringing his closeted S&M passion out in the open, though he’d hidden that from his wife for 48 yrs. No, he’s suing because News of the World called one session “Nazi-themed.” (“[F]ew things [would be] more un-erotic than Nazi role play,” he said.) But he admitted getting aroused at the prospect of being interrogated by foreign-sounding dominatrices, and one of ‘em spoke German. (Bonus: The New York Times’s trial reporter is the legendary John F. Burns!) New York Times
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A rich case for CSI: Sydney
An inquest this week is considering the demise of “American actress” Joyce Germain, 59. What have we got? Her body was buried underneath household items, including a foot spa. Electric iron cord around her neck. Clothes pin on her genitals. A toaster was hung from the shower railing. On top of the “household item” pile was a construction hat. A guy named “Kiwi John.” A neighbor with a collection of whips, chains, and sex toys, and who just received a “death threat” accompanied by three silver bullets. A local prostitute who said she knew what happened. Germain’s own “mental health problems” due to heavy LSD use in the 1960s. Ninemsn.com
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If lawyers got paid by the word
Associated Press ran a blurb yesterday about a Tacoma, Wash., judge who, frustrated with a humongously long pleading (465 pages; usually, they’re just a couple of pages), dismissed it with a limerick. Particulars of the filing: The title is 8 pages long; the six defendants are described in the next 18 pages. “Plaintiffs allegations continue for 87 pages,” wrote the judge, “including a 37-page pit-stop to quote emails.” Here’s one of the lawyer’s paragraphs:

Plaintiffs, for a Fifty-Fourth Claim for Relief, reallege and incorporate herein Paragraphs 1 through 105, including the First, Second, Third, Fourth, Fifth, Sixth, Seventh, Eighth, Ninth, Tenth, Eleventh, Twelfth, Thirteenth, Fourteenth, Fifteenth, Sixteenth, Seventeenth, Eighteenth, Nineteenth, Twentieth, Twenty-First, Twenty-Second, Twenty-Third, Twenty-Fourth, Twenty-Fifth, Twenty-Sixth, and Twenty-Seventh Claims for Relief alleged under the federal Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act of 1970 [“RICO”] [Title 18, U.S.C.A. Sections 1981 et seq], and the Twenty-Eighth, Twenty-Ninth, Thirtieth, Thirty-First, Thirty-Second, Thirty-Third, Thirty-Fourth, Thirty-Fifth, Thirty-Sixth, Thirty-Seventh, Thirty-Eighth, Thirty-Ninth, Fortieth, Forty-First, Forty-Second, Forty-Third, Forty-Fourth, Forty-Fifth, Forty-Sixth, Forty-Seventh, Forty-Eighth, Forty-Ninth, Fiftieth, Fifty-First, Fifty-Second, and Fifty-Third Claims for Relief.

A Comments thread is open for constructing personality profiles of the attorney, Dean Browning Webb. Hit him with your best shot. U.S. District Court Order [link from HowAppealing.Law.com blog] [via Wall Street Journal Law blog]
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Your Daily Jury Duty
[no fair examining the evidence; verdict must be based on mugshot only]
Theodore Pressman, accused not of locking his dog in a hot car while he stepped away, or locking his kid in a hot car while he stepped away, but locking his disabled parents in a hot car while he stepped away (and dad died). Journal News (White Plains, N.Y.)
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More Things to Worry About on Wednesday
An Austin, Tex., cop accidentally left his loaded service pistol in a park and 4 hours later still hadn’t realized it was missing . . . . . Congressional investigators found that Medicare paid out $92M since 2000 on prescriptions from doctors that were dead (about half dead for more than five yrs) . . . . . Police in Speyer, Germany, “confirmed” to an Agence France-Presse stringer that indeed a woman had called them for help in getting rid of a guest in her home who wouldn’t stop talking . . . . . There are people who zoom past turnpike collection points without paying, but then there’s this guy, way-hardcore (outfitting his truck to bypass axle-detectors and ripping $575K on a stolen E-ZPass) . . . . . If McCain wins the election, will there finally be a pet ferret in the White House? Today’s Newsrangers: Stephen Taylor, Mindy Cohen, H.Thompson