Chuck’s Weekly Cite-Seeing (January 30, 2012)
Chuck's Weekly Cite-Seeing Tour
The Crème de la Crème, Every Monday
January 30, 2012
(datelines from January 20 or later) (links correct as of January 30)
Port au Prince: If you donated money to Haitian relief, it's fortunate if even a quarter of your dollar has ever found its way to the poor . . two years later. The only exception: the sainted Doctors Without Borders. (Best jobs to have in Haiti: U.S. contractor, Haitian SUV dealer.) World's Greatest Newspaper
South Carolina: In the town of Norway, a trooper pulled over a speeder, who happened to be the mayor, who happened to disagree with the trooper, so when the trooper drove off, the mayor turned on his own blue light, and pulled the trooper over. Nyah- nyha-nyah-nyah-nyah. Associated Press via WIS-TV (Columbia, S.C.)
London: Can't Possibly Be True (I): If the eBay auction holds (he'll know today), Christopher Herbert will be £2051 ($3,225) richer because he offered (as a goof) a blob of dried glue that sorta resembles Homer Simpson. Daily Telegraph
Frankfort, Ky.: The president of the Kentucky Senate, making a big political (photo-op!) deal out of honoring the Newport Aquarium with a ceremony in the Senate chamber, was then faced with the problem of what to do when the on-loan penguin crapped on the floor. Leadership! Lexington Herald-Leader
Shelby, N.C.: Misty Kullman, 25, was busted for prostitution . . in which she supposedly performed some unnamed act for a guy for . . six bucks. (Bonus: He paid with 3 $1s, a $2, and some coins.) Shelby Star
Suriname: A long research project by Conservation International, in a pristine South American area, yielded among other new species a "great-horned beetle (Coprophanaeus lancifer" . . which is a dung beetle the size of a tangerine, with evolved horns because . . apparently ya got to fight for your fair share of dung. LiveScience via Yahoo News
Colombo, Sri Lanka: There's a Sri Lankan Eye Donation Society that supplies many of the world's transplant eyeballs. EDS is glad to have eyeballs upon death, but it also gathers some from the living, from people who believe that giving up their spare eye (who needs two?) will ensure a good afterlife. What a country! World's Greatest Newspaper
Hong Kong: Hotshot Chinese army special forces showed off in public their patented training drill of passing a live explosive from man to man, counting down until detonation, with the unlucky last-man-catching responsible for tossing it into a nearby hole just as everyone dives for cover. This time, everyone survived. Daily Telegraph (London)
Oklahoma City: State Sen. Ralph Shortey introduced a bill to stop that awful practice that food companies have, y'know, using human fetuses to flavor up their foods. Well, just because no company actually does it is not really the point. They might, Shortey seriously explained, because that's what it said on the Internet. Associated Press via Wichita Eagle
Los Angeles: "LAPD Cracks Down on Drone Aircraft Use by Real Estate Agents" and so . . wait, what? Los Angeles Times
Lynn, Mass.: Tina Cafarelli admitted she bought $64 worth of soda, then immediately fed the cans into a nickel-a-can redemption machine at a supermarket, just to get the cash. (OK, she stole the welfare card to buy the soda, but, still . . ..) Associated Press via Fox News
Winter Garden, Fla.: Can't Possibly Be True (II): Amentally-challenged, totally unsophisticated college-educated mother of two who owns a business wound up paying $135,000 in cash, jewelry, and gift cards to a psychic because the psychic said the lady had a curse that needed to be removed. (Note to Federal Trade Commission: Explore ways of bringing down the cost of curse-removal.) Orlando Sentinel
New York City: A judge (male . . he should know better) declared it common knowledge, as a matter of law, that circumcised and uncircumcised organs look the same when erect (and thus, the fired flasher-cop remains fired even though he's cut, and the alleged flasher wasn't). New York Daily News
Your Weekly Jury Duty [In America, you're presumed innocent . . until the mug shot is released]:
In Wheaton, Ill., Robert Lyons, 39, convicted of murder, was sentenced to 40 years in prison, but there's always the appeals court. Rodney Cook, 58, presumed innocent of purse-snatching in Austin, Tex. WLS-TV (Chicago) /// KTBC-TV (Austin)
Thanks to Sandy Pearlman, Marty Braun, Perry Levin, and MaryAnne Anderegg, and the mighty NOTW Board of Editorial Advisors.
The Crème de la Crème, Every Monday
January 30, 2012
(datelines from January 20 or later) (links correct as of January 30)
Port au Prince: If you donated money to Haitian relief, it's fortunate if even a quarter of your dollar has ever found its way to the poor . . two years later. The only exception: the sainted Doctors Without Borders. (Best jobs to have in Haiti: U.S. contractor, Haitian SUV dealer.) World's Greatest Newspaper
South Carolina: In the town of Norway, a trooper pulled over a speeder, who happened to be the mayor, who happened to disagree with the trooper, so when the trooper drove off, the mayor turned on his own blue light, and pulled the trooper over. Nyah- nyha-nyah-nyah-nyah. Associated Press via WIS-TV (Columbia, S.C.)
London: Can't Possibly Be True (I): If the eBay auction holds (he'll know today), Christopher Herbert will be £2051 ($3,225) richer because he offered (as a goof) a blob of dried glue that sorta resembles Homer Simpson. Daily Telegraph
Frankfort, Ky.: The president of the Kentucky Senate, making a big political (photo-op!) deal out of honoring the Newport Aquarium with a ceremony in the Senate chamber, was then faced with the problem of what to do when the on-loan penguin crapped on the floor. Leadership! Lexington Herald-Leader
Shelby, N.C.: Misty Kullman, 25, was busted for prostitution . . in which she supposedly performed some unnamed act for a guy for . . six bucks. (Bonus: He paid with 3 $1s, a $2, and some coins.) Shelby Star
Suriname: A long research project by Conservation International, in a pristine South American area, yielded among other new species a "great-horned beetle (Coprophanaeus lancifer" . . which is a dung beetle the size of a tangerine, with evolved horns because . . apparently ya got to fight for your fair share of dung. LiveScience via Yahoo News
Colombo, Sri Lanka: There's a Sri Lankan Eye Donation Society that supplies many of the world's transplant eyeballs. EDS is glad to have eyeballs upon death, but it also gathers some from the living, from people who believe that giving up their spare eye (who needs two?) will ensure a good afterlife. What a country! World's Greatest Newspaper
Hong Kong: Hotshot Chinese army special forces showed off in public their patented training drill of passing a live explosive from man to man, counting down until detonation, with the unlucky last-man-catching responsible for tossing it into a nearby hole just as everyone dives for cover. This time, everyone survived. Daily Telegraph (London)
Oklahoma City: State Sen. Ralph Shortey introduced a bill to stop that awful practice that food companies have, y'know, using human fetuses to flavor up their foods. Well, just because no company actually does it is not really the point. They might, Shortey seriously explained, because that's what it said on the Internet. Associated Press via Wichita Eagle
Los Angeles: "LAPD Cracks Down on Drone Aircraft Use by Real Estate Agents" and so . . wait, what? Los Angeles Times
Lynn, Mass.: Tina Cafarelli admitted she bought $64 worth of soda, then immediately fed the cans into a nickel-a-can redemption machine at a supermarket, just to get the cash. (OK, she stole the welfare card to buy the soda, but, still . . ..) Associated Press via Fox News
Winter Garden, Fla.: Can't Possibly Be True (II): A
New York City: A judge (male . . he should know better) declared it common knowledge, as a matter of law, that circumcised and uncircumcised organs look the same when erect (and thus, the fired flasher-cop remains fired even though he's cut, and the alleged flasher wasn't). New York Daily News
Your Weekly Jury Duty [In America, you're presumed innocent . . until the mug shot is released]:
In Wheaton, Ill., Robert Lyons, 39, convicted of murder, was sentenced to 40 years in prison, but there's always the appeals court. Rodney Cook, 58, presumed innocent of purse-snatching in Austin, Tex. WLS-TV (Chicago) /// KTBC-TV (Austin)
Thanks to Sandy Pearlman, Marty Braun, Perry Levin, and MaryAnne Anderegg, and the mighty NOTW Board of Editorial Advisors.
Comments
Hong Kong Bomb Squad Wasn't there a kids game like this way back when kids could play with hard toys?
Sen. Ralph Shortey People will always elect the government they deserve.
Jury Duty The "F" state didn't want my services so I'm not going to offer my opinion!!!!
Sen. Ralph Shortey People will always elect the government they deserve.
Jury Duty The "F" state didn't want my services so I'm not going to offer my opinion!!!!
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 01/30/12 at 06:10 AM
@Expat47
"Hot Potato"
"Hot Potato"
Posted by Billy on 01/30/12 at 07:04 AM
HK Bomb Squad: it's a beginners' version of Chinese Whispers. All the whispers are "Oh,s%^t!"
Sen Shortey: "Why, honey, that baby looks good enough to eat!"
Penguin Poop: If seagulls are any measure, penguin poop must be really stinky. Still, it makes a change from the usual bovine excrement. There was something fishy on the Senate floor today...
Sen Shortey: "Why, honey, that baby looks good enough to eat!"
Penguin Poop: If seagulls are any measure, penguin poop must be really stinky. Still, it makes a change from the usual bovine excrement. There was something fishy on the Senate floor today...
Posted by TheCannyScot in Atlanta, GA on 01/30/12 at 09:55 AM
glue sculpture- Say it with me now people, a fool and his...
penguin crap- A change from the even smellier political crap normally spewed there.
$6- That's not even cab fair and giving a girl cab fair is not considered prostitution.
live eye donations- Brings 2 bible quotes to mind, 'If thine eye offend thee pluck it out' not particularly fitting, but still. 'That which you do for the least of my brothers you do for me.' Actually descriptive of their reasoning even though it is from a different religion.
China- A military exercise? Well I guess the superiors figure they have a billion more potential military grunts to choose from. No respect of individual lives.
embryo law- Sounds like the guy is Shortey on brains.
full pop cans- To quote Ron White, "You can't fix stupid."
curse-- the curse of ignorance.
cut vs uncut- Perhaps they could bring in an expert to testify that, yes, there is a difference. GEESH!
Jury Duty- 1) shameful moron. 2) I'd throw him my purse to just go away, s*h*u*d*d*e*r!
penguin crap- A change from the even smellier political crap normally spewed there.
$6- That's not even cab fair and giving a girl cab fair is not considered prostitution.
live eye donations- Brings 2 bible quotes to mind, 'If thine eye offend thee pluck it out' not particularly fitting, but still. 'That which you do for the least of my brothers you do for me.' Actually descriptive of their reasoning even though it is from a different religion.
China- A military exercise? Well I guess the superiors figure they have a billion more potential military grunts to choose from. No respect of individual lives.
embryo law- Sounds like the guy is Shortey on brains.
full pop cans- To quote Ron White, "You can't fix stupid."
curse-- the curse of ignorance.
cut vs uncut- Perhaps they could bring in an expert to testify that, yes, there is a difference. GEESH!
Jury Duty- 1) shameful moron. 2) I'd throw him my purse to just go away, s*h*u*d*d*e*r!
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 01/30/12 at 01:22 PM
@expat my First grade teacher (1977)had this for us to pay with as a reward for good behavior and as a study aid, not sure how it falls under new zero tolerance policies
http://www.spookshows.com/toys/time/timebomb.htm
http://www.spookshows.com/toys/time/timebomb.htm
Posted by kschobert on 01/30/12 at 04:56 PM
$6- That's not even cab fair and giving a girl cab fair is not considered prostitution.
LOL!
LOL!
Posted by Miles on 01/30/12 at 05:45 PM
Thanks Chuck for another GREAT week!!
Posted by Tyrusguy on 02/01/12 at 01:32 PM
Expat:
We had the "Time Bomb" game when I was little. We played with it till it got dropped one to many times and broke into pieces.
http://www.spookshows.com/toys/time/timebomb.htm
We had the "Time Bomb" game when I was little. We played with it till it got dropped one to many times and broke into pieces.
http://www.spookshows.com/toys/time/timebomb.htm
Posted by MSA in FLA on 02/04/12 at 02:34 PM
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