Chuck’s Weekly Cite-Seeing (March 12, 2012)
Chuck's Weekly Cite-Seeing Tour
The Crème de la Crème, Every Monday
Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
March 12, 2012
(datelines from March 2 or later) (links correct as of March 12)
Kantale, Sri Lanka: Mr. Janaka Basnayake, 24, passed away. He was trying to establish a world's record for surviving being buried alive. (Note to File: 6½ hours, too long.) Associated Press via Huffington Post
Tacoma, Wash.: Alan O'Neill, 41, was charged with bigamy after his first wife found out about the second when Facebook recommended that she and the second become "friends." Associated Press via Oregon Live
Detroit: In the District of Calamity II, an independent audit reported that a $148,000 grant to help 400 unemployed people get better clothes for job interviews provided clothes for exactly 2. Detroit News
Ottawa: The city government ordered Doug Rochow to stop clearing snow near his home, that that's the city's job even when the city's not doing it. (The city's afraid Rochow will make the pathways more inviting, which increases the possibility of lawsuits. Snowbound pathways create no "paths.") Toronto Star
Edmonton, Alberta; More name frivolity, this time from the 50,000 babies born in Alberta last year. Boys: Moo, J-Cub, Tuff, and R. Girls: Tuba, Camry, Unique, and J. Said one man on the street, "Those look like dogs' names." Edmonton Journal
Washington, D.C.: (Can't Possibly Be True?) USDA has purchased 7 million pounds of "pink slime," destined for school lunches. Even Taco Bell won't touch the stuff. It's animal connective tissue, not muscle, but oh-so-cheap, and it's been sanitized--mostly, except for, y'know, occasional e.coli. Huffington Post [citing the Evil Empire's tablet app The Daily]
Leicester, N.Y.: Mark Biondolillo, 41, had his (alleged) marijuana growhouse operation busted simply because his kid showed up for kindergarten class reeking of scent o' home. Democrat and Chronicle (Rochester)
Eureka, Calif.: Jason Bacon was allegedly overheard after his arrest for trading marijuana for a motorcycle: "I know you can't sell it, but I thought it was OK to trade it." Times-Standard (Eureka)
Cardiff, Wales: Polish off this year's Nobel--for local authorities tired of teen punks' rowdiness. They are set to install pink street lighting in the neighborhood . . because it highlights acne. BBC News
Reading, England: Melvyn Webb, 54, vehemently denied in court that he was pleasuring himself on the train. Rather, he said, he was playing air banjo under his newspaper. Seriously. (Bonus: Jury acquitted him.) World's Greatest Newspaper
Brevard County, Fla.: Bill Dillon will get $50k for each of the 27 wrongfully-imprisoned years that John Preston's forensic wonder dog cost him. As noted previously [NOTW M122, 8-9-2009], Preston's dog could supposedly find crime-scene scents anywhere it was convenient, and helped convict up to 60 people (some of them actually guilty, of course). Orlando Sentinel
Lifetime Channel: It's not just TLC embarrassing America in the eyes of the satellite-linked world. Lifetime's "Dance Moms" recently showed an instructor teaching burlesque to age-8-ish girls by having them simulate nudity with skin-colored bikini tops and bottoms, hopping and flopping their feathers. World's Greatest Newspaper
Bundoran, Ireland: (and coming soon to America!) At a testy town meeting, Councillor Michael McMahon opined that a new law provided sufficient government openness and that the country "doesn't need whistleblowers," to which exasperated councillor Florence Doherty replied, "Of course it does, you [a-word]." Donegal Democrat [censored by Yr Editor, to avoid e-mail filters]
Your Weekly Jury Duty [In America, you're presumed innocent . . until the mug shot is released]:
Danbury, Conn.: There's someone for everyone, even Jonathan Price, 41, and Shannon McClung, 38. World's Greatest Newspaper
Thanks to Steve Dunn, George Elyjiw, Chip Sharpe, Bob Smakula, and Pete Randall, and the mighty NOTW Board of Editorial Advisors.
The Crème de la Crème, Every Monday
Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
March 12, 2012
(datelines from March 2 or later) (links correct as of March 12)
Kantale, Sri Lanka: Mr. Janaka Basnayake, 24, passed away. He was trying to establish a world's record for surviving being buried alive. (Note to File: 6½ hours, too long.) Associated Press via Huffington Post
Tacoma, Wash.: Alan O'Neill, 41, was charged with bigamy after his first wife found out about the second when Facebook recommended that she and the second become "friends." Associated Press via Oregon Live
Detroit: In the District of Calamity II, an independent audit reported that a $148,000 grant to help 400 unemployed people get better clothes for job interviews provided clothes for exactly 2. Detroit News
Ottawa: The city government ordered Doug Rochow to stop clearing snow near his home, that that's the city's job even when the city's not doing it. (The city's afraid Rochow will make the pathways more inviting, which increases the possibility of lawsuits. Snowbound pathways create no "paths.") Toronto Star
Edmonton, Alberta; More name frivolity, this time from the 50,000 babies born in Alberta last year. Boys: Moo, J-Cub, Tuff, and R. Girls: Tuba, Camry, Unique, and J. Said one man on the street, "Those look like dogs' names." Edmonton Journal
Washington, D.C.: (Can't Possibly Be True?) USDA has purchased 7 million pounds of "pink slime," destined for school lunches. Even Taco Bell won't touch the stuff. It's animal connective tissue, not muscle, but oh-so-cheap, and it's been sanitized--mostly, except for, y'know, occasional e.coli. Huffington Post [citing the Evil Empire's tablet app The Daily]
Leicester, N.Y.: Mark Biondolillo, 41, had his (alleged) marijuana growhouse operation busted simply because his kid showed up for kindergarten class reeking of scent o' home. Democrat and Chronicle (Rochester)
Eureka, Calif.: Jason Bacon was allegedly overheard after his arrest for trading marijuana for a motorcycle: "I know you can't sell it, but I thought it was OK to trade it." Times-Standard (Eureka)
Cardiff, Wales: Polish off this year's Nobel--for local authorities tired of teen punks' rowdiness. They are set to install pink street lighting in the neighborhood . . because it highlights acne. BBC News
Reading, England: Melvyn Webb, 54, vehemently denied in court that he was pleasuring himself on the train. Rather, he said, he was playing air banjo under his newspaper. Seriously. (Bonus: Jury acquitted him.) World's Greatest Newspaper
Brevard County, Fla.: Bill Dillon will get $50k for each of the 27 wrongfully-imprisoned years that John Preston's forensic wonder dog cost him. As noted previously [NOTW M122, 8-9-2009], Preston's dog could supposedly find crime-scene scents anywhere it was convenient, and helped convict up to 60 people (some of them actually guilty, of course). Orlando Sentinel
Lifetime Channel: It's not just TLC embarrassing America in the eyes of the satellite-linked world. Lifetime's "Dance Moms" recently showed an instructor teaching burlesque to age-8-ish girls by having them simulate nudity with skin-colored bikini tops and bottoms, hopping and flopping their feathers. World's Greatest Newspaper
Bundoran, Ireland: (and coming soon to America!) At a testy town meeting, Councillor Michael McMahon opined that a new law provided sufficient government openness and that the country "doesn't need whistleblowers," to which exasperated councillor Florence Doherty replied, "Of course it does, you [a-word]." Donegal Democrat [censored by Yr Editor, to avoid e-mail filters]
Your Weekly Jury Duty [In America, you're presumed innocent . . until the mug shot is released]:
Danbury, Conn.: There's someone for everyone, even Jonathan Price, 41, and Shannon McClung, 38. World's Greatest Newspaper
Thanks to Steve Dunn, George Elyjiw, Chip Sharpe, Bob Smakula, and Pete Randall, and the mighty NOTW Board of Editorial Advisors.
Comments
Jury Duty: The comments in the Mail's article are priceless.
Pink lighting: Ewwwwww. I may never look at pizza the same way again. There was a strip mall somewhere that chased off the teenagers by playing Mantovani over the speakers.
Pink slime: Someone needs to tell the USDA it's not wise to believe your own propaganda. Oh, for the good ol' days of Mystery Meat!
Snow clearing: Sounds about right for the national capital. Apparently they've managed to sneak some British lawmakers in, via efficiency lessons from the District of Calamity, I or II.
Bundoran council: If I could vote in Eire, it would be for Flo!
Pink lighting: Ewwwwww. I may never look at pizza the same way again. There was a strip mall somewhere that chased off the teenagers by playing Mantovani over the speakers.
Pink slime: Someone needs to tell the USDA it's not wise to believe your own propaganda. Oh, for the good ol' days of Mystery Meat!
Snow clearing: Sounds about right for the national capital. Apparently they've managed to sneak some British lawmakers in, via efficiency lessons from the District of Calamity, I or II.
Bundoran council: If I could vote in Eire, it would be for Flo!
Posted by TheCannyScot in Atlanta, GA on 03/12/12 at 10:09 AM
Janaka Basnayake Throw in a bouquet or two and call it a funeral!
Alan O'Neill One "crime" at a time, Al.
Pink Slime But this stuff ain't even meat, mystery or otherwise, Scotty!
Jason Bacon
Point 1: He may be right! Does the law strictly prohibit trading?
Point 2: Throw the book at him for sullying the good word "BACON"!
Melvyn Webb A new euphemism is added to the already long list: "Strumming the old banjo".
TLC I don't get it! Which letter stands for pedophile?
Jury Duty Some people will do anything for "Three hots & a cot".
Alan O'Neill One "crime" at a time, Al.
Pink Slime But this stuff ain't even meat, mystery or otherwise, Scotty!
Jason Bacon
Point 1: He may be right! Does the law strictly prohibit trading?
Point 2: Throw the book at him for sullying the good word "BACON"!
Melvyn Webb A new euphemism is added to the already long list: "Strumming the old banjo".
TLC I don't get it! Which letter stands for pedophile?
Jury Duty Some people will do anything for "Three hots & a cot".
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 03/12/12 at 10:50 AM
Snow Clearing At the sake of becoming too political here I'm going to proffer an observation: Last week I heard someone offer calling 911 as a solution to a problem. The thing is, though, a simple, straight forward solution was available to the people gathered at the scene but (what I believe to be) government training kicked in before common sense was given a chance to provide a more competent solution. And, before it can be said, no fear of a law suit was involved as the "Good Samaritan" law would have covered.
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 03/12/12 at 10:50 AM
Janaka Basnayake: Wait, how much of that 6.5 hours was he actually alive? I mean it'd be a pretty easy record to break if you could just be buried alive then dug up in a couple of months time and the whole period counted.
Alan O'Neill: Just one more reason I don't use Facebook. 😊
Detroit Grants: Though, to be fair, both guys they bought outfits for were going for jobs as P-Diddy impersonators.
Ottawa Snow: Well the city workers would have shovelled that snow, but they couldn't get out of there homes.
Edmonton Names: "Tuba", "Tooba" or "Tugba" (all pronounced the same) is not an uncommon Girl's name in some middle-eastern countries, particularly Turkey.
In The Pink 1: Ah yes, "pink slime" and "mystery meat" the two basic ingredients of many a school dinner (directly or by picking the cheapest supplier). Mind you, the secret of mystery meat is a secret no longer (courtesy of William M. Briggs).
http://wmbriggs.com/pics/boneless_pork_rectums.jpg
In The Pink 2: And if there was ever any doubt what feeding this stuff to your little darlings results in. Let teen physiognomy stand mute witness to the horror... the horror!
Melvyn Webb: In his defence you should probably note that Reading does have a rather fine purveyor of musical instruments, including quality banjos. The poor man was probably just practising his fingering; that "alternating role" is darn hard to get down.
Dance Moms: Let's face facts, if you're growing up with the kind of mom who'd put you on one of these programs, this is just early practice for your inevitable career.
Alan O'Neill: Just one more reason I don't use Facebook. 😊
Detroit Grants: Though, to be fair, both guys they bought outfits for were going for jobs as P-Diddy impersonators.
Ottawa Snow: Well the city workers would have shovelled that snow, but they couldn't get out of there homes.
Edmonton Names: "Tuba", "Tooba" or "Tugba" (all pronounced the same) is not an uncommon Girl's name in some middle-eastern countries, particularly Turkey.
In The Pink 1: Ah yes, "pink slime" and "mystery meat" the two basic ingredients of many a school dinner (directly or by picking the cheapest supplier). Mind you, the secret of mystery meat is a secret no longer (courtesy of William M. Briggs).
http://wmbriggs.com/pics/boneless_pork_rectums.jpg
In The Pink 2: And if there was ever any doubt what feeding this stuff to your little darlings results in. Let teen physiognomy stand mute witness to the horror... the horror!
Melvyn Webb: In his defence you should probably note that Reading does have a rather fine purveyor of musical instruments, including quality banjos. The poor man was probably just practising his fingering; that "alternating role" is darn hard to get down.
Dance Moms: Let's face facts, if you're growing up with the kind of mom who'd put you on one of these programs, this is just early practice for your inevitable career.
Posted by Dumbfounded on 03/12/12 at 12:06 PM
REF: DF's In the Pink
As opposed to "Boned Pork Rectums"?
As opposed to "Boned Pork Rectums"?
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 03/12/12 at 12:56 PM
ExPat, that's worse! And illegal, too. Although it may well end up explaining why they're inverted. :gulp:
Posted by TheCannyScot in Atlanta, GA on 03/12/12 at 03:14 PM
Just read somewhere about a guy who got in trouble because he boned pork rectums.
Facebook- HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! He got caught! Good, he deserves what he gets.
clothes for work- well the Director of the program prolly made $110,000 or so and his secretary about $25,000 office rent, utilities ect and clothes for 2 people, there you go.
snow removal- Then the neighborhood should sue the city if they do not remove the snow.
names & pot & dance moms too- Some people should not have children. Wanna bet the kid of the pot grower has a ridiculous name too? Sounds like the same type of people.
Pimple lights- Excellent Idea!! Go home and study pizza face, you obviously ain't gonna get by in life on your looks.
banjo- You sure got a perty mouth boy!
homeless couple- AHHHH my eyes! Oh the humanity!!!! :shut:
Facebook- HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! He got caught! Good, he deserves what he gets.
clothes for work- well the Director of the program prolly made $110,000 or so and his secretary about $25,000 office rent, utilities ect and clothes for 2 people, there you go.
snow removal- Then the neighborhood should sue the city if they do not remove the snow.
names & pot & dance moms too- Some people should not have children. Wanna bet the kid of the pot grower has a ridiculous name too? Sounds like the same type of people.
Pimple lights- Excellent Idea!! Go home and study pizza face, you obviously ain't gonna get by in life on your looks.
banjo- You sure got a perty mouth boy!
homeless couple- AHHHH my eyes! Oh the humanity!!!! :shut:
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 03/12/12 at 10:39 PM
Jury duty: Mere mortals would require ultra lethal quantities of alcohol to even start that job. One wonders about the spectators who didn't run screaming in the opposite direction. Some people can rubberneck at the worst disasters.
Posted by Harvey on 03/13/12 at 12:28 AM
I cannot for the life of me imagine why anyone would actually want more than one wife. I am, in fact, starting to wonder why I wanted one at all.
Posted by Pile of Pooh on 03/13/12 at 11:57 AM
@PoP: Wash clothes, cook food, bring in wood for fire place, warm feet in bed on cold winter's night, make babies, make friends jealous, darn socks, etc, etc, etc.
Instruction Jingle
Instruction Jingle
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 03/13/12 at 12:36 PM
Regarding the Name Frivolity, an animated series (animé) from Japan titler "Solty Rei" has female characters named Integra, Celica, Accela, and Sylvia - all are also names of automobiles sold in Japan.
Posted by tadchem on 03/13/12 at 02:43 PM
Expat, what a progressive, evolved man you are sweetie.
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 03/13/12 at 08:20 PM
I've tried going against the grain, ignoring god's plan and it just doesn't work. 😉
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 03/14/12 at 12:38 AM
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