Chuck’s Weekly Cite-Seeing (March 19, 2012)
Chuck's Weekly Cite-Seeing Tour
The Crème de la Crème, Every Monday
Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
March 19, 2012
(datelines from March 9 or later) (links correct as of March 19)
Embden, Maine: Nobody remembers how the road got its name, but most residents want to leave it as is: "Katie Crotch Road." Kennebec Journal
Springfield, Mo.: Race, gender, religion, nationality? No problem with those as "protected classes" in anti-discrimination law. The Missouri House just addedgays and lesbians "gun owners" to the list. St. Louis Public Radio
Houston, Tex.: You'll need to buy a program to get it straight. Lawyer and his squeeze put a hit on lawyer's wife. Hitman [Ed.: a real hitman, not an undercover cop!] wings her. Lawyer and wife reconcile. Wife sues squeeze. Depositions galore. ABA Journal
Denver, Colo.: Apparently, the best that cop Michael Nuanes Jr., 37, could do to defend against domestic abuse charges was to complain that she started it by hitting him in the foot with a Justin Bieber doll. (Nuanes's "Man" ranking in jeopardy.) KMGH-TV (Denver)
Davis, Okla.: Hawkeye Jeter, 77, was spotted doing a no-no with a show pig, but "all did" was "I stuck my finger up her private" and "poured corn out to hold the gill still." [Ed.: Yee-hah, I wish I understood any of that that!] Alas, yes, he said, it was for sexual gratification. KFOR-TV (Oklahoma City)
Chicago: Fistfight over whose seat is whose, ata Chicago Black Hawks hockey game the Chicago Symphony. (Bonus: Conductor didn't miss a beat.) Chicago Sun-Times
Des Moines, Iowa: Barbers and beauticians need 2,100 hours of schooling for a state license (plus 8 continuing education hours every 2 years). Body piercers,not so many none at all, no license required. Des Moines Register
New York City: (Leading Economic Indicator) Total New York Times Company net profits over last four Internet-challenged years: $3 million. Exit package paid last year to retiring CEO Janet Robinson: $23.7 million. Bloomberg News
Palo Alto, Calif.: Someone stole an iPad, but the joke was on him, as police tracked it via GPS. Also in the house with the iPad: 780 lbs. of crystal meth. Victim: "They have $35 million [worth of meth], and they can't go out and buy an iPad?" Mercury News (San Jose)
Eugene, Ore.: Damien Bittar's Excellent Adventure: Get drunk on March 14th in the evening, then celebrate 21st birthday at midnight, then crash car at 1:30 a.m. (Bonus: crashed into an alcohol rehab facility.) KVAL-TV (Eugene)
Brisbane, Australia: [Ed.: We've reached the End Game in stories about overreliance on GPS navigators; with this one, the genre is officially No Longer Weird.] Three Japanese tourists tried to drive to North Stradbroke Island (15 km away). (Yes, stuck in the sand, plenty of time for photos!) Bayside Bulletin (Cleveland, Australia) [link from Nothing to Do with Arbroath]
Bolivia: Judge Gualberto Cusi, hailing from the indigenous Aymara community, admitted that sometimes, on difficult cases, he relies on coca-leaf readings. BBC News
Nantes, France: Just flew in from Paris, and, boy, is my nutsack tired! Jocko the Bull passed away, said to have fathered at least 161,888 calves (possibly 400,000). And in a report on the science of electro-ejaculation to increase the zoo populations, it was noted that the superstud "Jackson" has almost single-handedly kept U.S. zoos in the elephant business over the last ten years. Reuters /// The Local (Berlin)
London: It's not exactly a "news" story, but Vice.com says it's real--a public restroom outfitted as a sex dungeon, with photos galore. Best if you don't use your imagination. Vice.com [link from BoingBoing]
Your Weekly Jury Duty [In America, you're presumed innocent . . until the mug shot is released]:
Sardinia, Ohio: It's unclear whether Christopher Tolle, 23, is guilty of the burglaries, and it's also unclear how far away the headlights were when he posed for his mugshot. WLWT-TV (Cincinnati)
The Smoking Gun: Charged with maintaining a drug house and making marijuana (and perhaps suspected of eating several of the arresting officers).
Thanks to Sandy Pearlman, Geoff Egan, and Gerald Sacks, and the mighty NOTW Board of Editorial Advisors.
The Crème de la Crème, Every Monday
Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
March 19, 2012
(datelines from March 9 or later) (links correct as of March 19)
Embden, Maine: Nobody remembers how the road got its name, but most residents want to leave it as is: "Katie Crotch Road." Kennebec Journal
Springfield, Mo.: Race, gender, religion, nationality? No problem with those as "protected classes" in anti-discrimination law. The Missouri House just added
Houston, Tex.: You'll need to buy a program to get it straight. Lawyer and his squeeze put a hit on lawyer's wife. Hitman [Ed.: a real hitman, not an undercover cop!] wings her. Lawyer and wife reconcile. Wife sues squeeze. Depositions galore. ABA Journal
Denver, Colo.: Apparently, the best that cop Michael Nuanes Jr., 37, could do to defend against domestic abuse charges was to complain that she started it by hitting him in the foot with a Justin Bieber doll. (Nuanes's "Man" ranking in jeopardy.) KMGH-TV (Denver)
Davis, Okla.: Hawkeye Jeter, 77, was spotted doing a no-no with a show pig, but "all did" was "I stuck my finger up her private" and "poured corn out to hold the gill still." [Ed.: Yee-hah, I wish I understood any of that that!] Alas, yes, he said, it was for sexual gratification. KFOR-TV (Oklahoma City)
Chicago: Fistfight over whose seat is whose, at
Des Moines, Iowa: Barbers and beauticians need 2,100 hours of schooling for a state license (plus 8 continuing education hours every 2 years). Body piercers,
New York City: (Leading Economic Indicator) Total New York Times Company net profits over last four Internet-challenged years: $3 million. Exit package paid last year to retiring CEO Janet Robinson: $23.7 million. Bloomberg News
Palo Alto, Calif.: Someone stole an iPad, but the joke was on him, as police tracked it via GPS. Also in the house with the iPad: 780 lbs. of crystal meth. Victim: "They have $35 million [worth of meth], and they can't go out and buy an iPad?" Mercury News (San Jose)
Eugene, Ore.: Damien Bittar's Excellent Adventure: Get drunk on March 14th in the evening, then celebrate 21st birthday at midnight, then crash car at 1:30 a.m. (Bonus: crashed into an alcohol rehab facility.) KVAL-TV (Eugene)
Brisbane, Australia: [Ed.: We've reached the End Game in stories about overreliance on GPS navigators; with this one, the genre is officially No Longer Weird.] Three Japanese tourists tried to drive to North Stradbroke Island (15 km away). (Yes, stuck in the sand, plenty of time for photos!) Bayside Bulletin (Cleveland, Australia) [link from Nothing to Do with Arbroath]
Bolivia: Judge Gualberto Cusi, hailing from the indigenous Aymara community, admitted that sometimes, on difficult cases, he relies on coca-leaf readings. BBC News
Nantes, France: Just flew in from Paris, and, boy, is my nutsack tired! Jocko the Bull passed away, said to have fathered at least 161,888 calves (possibly 400,000). And in a report on the science of electro-ejaculation to increase the zoo populations, it was noted that the superstud "Jackson" has almost single-handedly kept U.S. zoos in the elephant business over the last ten years. Reuters /// The Local (Berlin)
London: It's not exactly a "news" story, but Vice.com says it's real--a public restroom outfitted as a sex dungeon, with photos galore. Best if you don't use your imagination. Vice.com [link from BoingBoing]
Your Weekly Jury Duty [In America, you're presumed innocent . . until the mug shot is released]:
Sardinia, Ohio: It's unclear whether Christopher Tolle, 23, is guilty of the burglaries, and it's also unclear how far away the headlights were when he posed for his mugshot. WLWT-TV (Cincinnati)
The Smoking Gun: Charged with maintaining a drug house and making marijuana (and perhaps suspected of eating several of the arresting officers).
Thanks to Sandy Pearlman, Geoff Egan, and Gerald Sacks, and the mighty NOTW Board of Editorial Advisors.
Comments
The pig story helped clarify your summary--it was a "gilt" (female pig that's never been pregnant) not "gill". So he poured out corn on the ground to occupy its attention while he fondled her bacon.
Posted by mrmambo on 03/19/12 at 07:47 AM
Jury Duty #1: looks like they're doing the cavity search. #2: this could explain the national shortage of Cheetos.
Lawyer hit: how, exactly, do you reconcile with someone after a hit was put out on you?
Lawyer hit: how, exactly, do you reconcile with someone after a hit was put out on you?
Posted by TheCannyScot in Atlanta, GA on 03/19/12 at 08:30 AM
2100 hours of schooling to cut hair ... but I can go get a private pilot license with 40 hours. Something's not right in Iowa.
Posted by JohnS on 03/19/12 at 11:20 AM
NY Times Retirement
1) Cost the Times more than past four years earning.
2) "Stock plunged more than 80 percent during Robinson’s tenure as CEO"
3) Received performance awards of $5.39 million.
What? There is a serious disconnect here. After 12 years I was laid off because my experience was too expensive.
Palo Alto Meth It probably wasn't their meth which puts them in even bigger trouble than being arrested.
1) Cost the Times more than past four years earning.
2) "Stock plunged more than 80 percent during Robinson’s tenure as CEO"
3) Received performance awards of $5.39 million.
What? There is a serious disconnect here. After 12 years I was laid off because my experience was too expensive.
Palo Alto Meth It probably wasn't their meth which puts them in even bigger trouble than being arrested.
Posted by Billy on 03/19/12 at 11:52 AM
Mo. Gun Owners 'Bout time we got some protection!
Tex.hit miss If they were suing the hit-man for failure to fulfill the contract I could understand.
Hawkeye Jeter Not a lot of commercial excitement in Oklahoma these days?
Brahms' Brawl Sounds like someone woke up cranky.
Iowa Barbers Must be left over from when barbers were surgeons too. Or some politician owns a chain of barber schools.
New York Times CEO And now you know why they only made $3M!
GPS navigators As we say "Goodbye" we'd like to take this opportunity to thank you for the good times you've given us.
Bolivia Judge I wish some of the judges in the US were as astute! (Remember Pants Judge?)
Electro-Ejaculation I'm going to have to read up on this. Maybe you girls don't get to have all the fun anymore. 😜
Jury Duty #1: 🐛 #2: Jabba the Hutt come down to Earth.
Tex.
Hawkeye Jeter Not a lot of commercial excitement in Oklahoma these days?
Brahms' Brawl Sounds like someone woke up cranky.
Iowa Barbers Must be left over from when barbers were surgeons too. Or some politician owns a chain of barber schools.
New York Times CEO And now you know why they only made $3M!
GPS navigators As we say "Goodbye" we'd like to take this opportunity to thank you for the good times you've given us.
Bolivia Judge I wish some of the judges in the US were as astute! (Remember Pants Judge?)
Electro-Ejaculation I'm going to have to read up on this. Maybe you girls don't get to have all the fun anymore. 😜
Jury Duty #1: 🐛 #2: Jabba the Hutt come down to Earth.
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 03/19/12 at 12:02 PM
@TheCannyScot - It would be cheaper and less of a fight to reconcile, knowing that he's probably going to prison. A divorce would involve even more lawyers. Reconcile, sit back, he goes away, everything belongs to her. 😏
Posted by Mini Viking on 03/19/12 at 12:33 PM
Katie crotch Rd- is that the one that starts off at the Y?
pig f-er- he used his finger, so I guess he was being gentle with the virgin.
Chicago- That's one tough town!
piercings- Back in the day not everyone got piercings, but pretty much everyone got a haircut at sometime. Now that has changed where piercings are concerned but no one has thought to change the rules about it.
CEO- Just think, many people have said we should have a business person as president because they know more about handling money, pfffft.
DUI & GPS- Equipment is only as good as the operator.
Animals- Who knew there was big money in animal sperm? Human sperm, not so much.
Pee- Wonder when some guy will sue the pub for traumatizing them and making it impossible for them to go into public restrooms any more.
Pictures et all- There are really some unfortunate facial configurations in this world.
pig f-er- he used his finger, so I guess he was being gentle with the virgin.
Chicago- That's one tough town!
piercings- Back in the day not everyone got piercings, but pretty much everyone got a haircut at sometime. Now that has changed where piercings are concerned but no one has thought to change the rules about it.
CEO- Just think, many people have said we should have a business person as president because they know more about handling money, pfffft.
DUI & GPS- Equipment is only as good as the operator.
Animals- Who knew there was big money in animal sperm? Human sperm, not so much.
Pee- Wonder when some guy will sue the pub for traumatizing them and making it impossible for them to go into public restrooms any more.
Pictures et all- There are really some unfortunate facial configurations in this world.
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 03/19/12 at 09:15 PM
A couple of nits: the cop said his girlfriend didn't just hit him with a Justin Bieber doll, she also scratched and bit him. It wasn't the victim who posed the question "with $35 million, they couldn't have bought an iPad?" it was the DA's father.
I like the comment on the story about the lawyer, the wife, and the mistress: "Who needs GCB from ABC on Sunday evening when we get this from the ABA eJournal?"
I like the comment on the story about the lawyer, the wife, and the mistress: "Who needs GCB from ABC on Sunday evening when we get this from the ABA eJournal?"
Posted by ges on 03/19/12 at 10:28 PM
Chuck, another great week.
Life has kept me busy lately -- but I always manage to read your post each week, even if I cannot comment.
😊
Life has kept me busy lately -- but I always manage to read your post each week, even if I cannot comment.
😊
Posted by girlgeniusNYC on 03/20/12 at 07:50 PM
That Hawkeye Jeter is a late bloomer. He had a couple of other arrests for cattle theft and attempted horse theft in his mid-late seventies. Great to see animal lovers in action.
Posted by Harvey on 03/20/12 at 08:41 PM
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