Chuck’s Weekly Cite-Seeing (May 7, 2012)
Chuck's Weekly Cite-Seeing Tour
The Crème de la Crème, Every Monday
Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
May 7, 2012
(datelines from April 27 or later) (links correct as of May 7)
Newtown Township, Pa.: A man "between 35 and 45" reportedly flashed a woman . . in the bookstore of the Bucks County Association for the Blind. Unclear on the Concept. Phillyburbs.com
Seattle: Attorney Andrew Basiago renewed his claim that he time-traveled as part of a DARPA (Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency) project from the time he was 7 until age 12. He said he and his colleagues would jump through a field of radiant energy into a vortal tunnel and "when the tunnel closed, we found ourselves at our destination." (Bonus: The project had issues, he admits, e.g., twice, while back in time, he ran into himself.) Huffington Post
San Francisco: Henry Wolf filed a lawsuit against BMW for its "ridged" motorcycle seat, which he said gave him priapism during a four-hour ride, and he still suffers from it. SFGate.com
Port St. Lucie, Fla.: High school staff member Robert Van Wagner was arrested after he allegedly tried to convince girls aged 12 and 13 to please put on these-here socks and run around that field for him. TCPalm.com (Stuart, Fla.)
New York City: It was "Weekend at Bernie's" but where a lawyer got to cross-examine the hoaxer, who pretended to be his own mom. (Thomas Parkin gambled away his real estate inheritance and thought the only way to get it back was to pretend his now-dead mom never gave it to him and thus still owned it, but that required him to be both himself and the now-still-alive mom.) (Q: "You speak with her, correct? How does she respond?") (A: "It's one-sided.") Daily Beast
Wakefield, England: From London's Daily Star, the fabulous Lede sentence: "A double killer who had a sex swap and was moved to a women's jail is divorcing the lesbian murderess he wed behind bars." Daily Star
Hamburg, Germany: Police are about to pin 96 burglaries on a 33-yr-old man on the basis of his, um, earprint. (He had a habit of pressing his ear to the front door to listen whether anyone was home.) Spiegel Online (Hamburg)
Bucharest, Romania: The U.S. has the Statue of Liberty, and now Romania will have the statue representing the birth of the nation, fusing the Roman empire with the ancient tribes of Dacia. It's a naked guy holding a pit bull by appearing to cradle the dog's nuts. (It's supposed to be something else, but . . ..) BBC News
Stamford, Conn.: A trove of Hitler documents is up for bid (ends tomorrow), including reports that he used cocaine extensively, injected extract of bull testicles for virility, and had a bad case of flatus [ed.: Insert politically incorrect gas joke here] New York Daily News
Kathmandu: Government-run Nepal Airlines's Boeing 757 lifted off, but only after a successful two-goat sacrifice to appease the Hindu sky god. In other sacrifice news, a camel was killed in Kazakhstan to end a wave of suicides after village elders said, well, it worked once before. And a dad was arrested for attempting to sacrifice his 8-yr-old son in another Third World coun--actually, in San Diego. Metro (London) /// RIA Novasti (Moscow) /// KNSD-TV (San Diego)
Nutley, N.J.: And if you missed Saturday Night Live, here's the lady charged with endangering her sunburned 5-yr-old daughter by letting her into a tanning booth. Turns out she's hardly an authority on UV-ray safety. CBS News
Bonus "Good News" Story: At a Tulsa, Okla., animal hospital, a black Labrador brought in with a gunshot wound befriended a blind Golden Retriever and has become his seeing-eye assistance dog. [ed.: OK, That's enough. Kindly resume being cynical.] New York Daily News
Thanks to the mighty NOTW Board of Editorial Advisors.
The Crème de la Crème, Every Monday
Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
May 7, 2012
(datelines from April 27 or later) (links correct as of May 7)
Newtown Township, Pa.: A man "between 35 and 45" reportedly flashed a woman . . in the bookstore of the Bucks County Association for the Blind. Unclear on the Concept. Phillyburbs.com
Seattle: Attorney Andrew Basiago renewed his claim that he time-traveled as part of a DARPA (Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency) project from the time he was 7 until age 12. He said he and his colleagues would jump through a field of radiant energy into a vortal tunnel and "when the tunnel closed, we found ourselves at our destination." (Bonus: The project had issues, he admits, e.g., twice, while back in time, he ran into himself.) Huffington Post
San Francisco: Henry Wolf filed a lawsuit against BMW for its "ridged" motorcycle seat, which he said gave him priapism during a four-hour ride, and he still suffers from it. SFGate.com
Port St. Lucie, Fla.: High school staff member Robert Van Wagner was arrested after he allegedly tried to convince girls aged 12 and 13 to please put on these-here socks and run around that field for him. TCPalm.com (Stuart, Fla.)
New York City: It was "Weekend at Bernie's" but where a lawyer got to cross-examine the hoaxer, who pretended to be his own mom. (Thomas Parkin gambled away his real estate inheritance and thought the only way to get it back was to pretend his now-dead mom never gave it to him and thus still owned it, but that required him to be both himself and the now-still-alive mom.) (Q: "You speak with her, correct? How does she respond?") (A: "It's one-sided.") Daily Beast
Wakefield, England: From London's Daily Star, the fabulous Lede sentence: "A double killer who had a sex swap and was moved to a women's jail is divorcing the lesbian murderess he wed behind bars." Daily Star
Hamburg, Germany: Police are about to pin 96 burglaries on a 33-yr-old man on the basis of his, um, earprint. (He had a habit of pressing his ear to the front door to listen whether anyone was home.) Spiegel Online (Hamburg)
Bucharest, Romania: The U.S. has the Statue of Liberty, and now Romania will have the statue representing the birth of the nation, fusing the Roman empire with the ancient tribes of Dacia. It's a naked guy holding a pit bull by appearing to cradle the dog's nuts. (It's supposed to be something else, but . . ..) BBC News
Stamford, Conn.: A trove of Hitler documents is up for bid (ends tomorrow), including reports that he used cocaine extensively, injected extract of bull testicles for virility, and had a bad case of flatus [ed.: Insert politically incorrect gas joke here] New York Daily News
Kathmandu: Government-run Nepal Airlines's Boeing 757 lifted off, but only after a successful two-goat sacrifice to appease the Hindu sky god. In other sacrifice news, a camel was killed in Kazakhstan to end a wave of suicides after village elders said, well, it worked once before. And a dad was arrested for attempting to sacrifice his 8-yr-old son in another Third World coun--actually, in San Diego. Metro (London) /// RIA Novasti (Moscow) /// KNSD-TV (San Diego)
Nutley, N.J.: And if you missed Saturday Night Live, here's the lady charged with endangering her sunburned 5-yr-old daughter by letting her into a tanning booth. Turns out she's hardly an authority on UV-ray safety. CBS News
Bonus "Good News" Story: At a Tulsa, Okla., animal hospital, a black Labrador brought in with a gunshot wound befriended a blind Golden Retriever and has become his seeing-eye assistance dog. [ed.: OK, That's enough. Kindly resume being cynical.] New York Daily News
Thanks to the mighty NOTW Board of Editorial Advisors.
Comments
Flashing Blind So, how did the victim handle it?
Time Traveler Well, finally, we don't have to worry about the TT Paradox.
Kinky Socks I've been to Port St. Lucie and can understand how one could crave excitement at any cost.
Thomas Parkin Is this incest?
Daily Star Lede Isn't that the name of a Welsh village?
Ear Print Burglar Looks like CSI made it to Germany. (removes sunglasses, cocks head and looks coy)
Romanian Statue That doesn't look anything like pit-bull!
8yo Sacrifice Whatever it takes to keep THE BIG ONE from happening.
Tanning Blackining Who dat say "Who dat?" when ah say 'Who Dat?"?
Good News And it's not (quite) a shaggy dog story!
Time Traveler Well, finally, we don't have to worry about the TT Paradox.
Kinky Socks I've been to Port St. Lucie and can understand how one could crave excitement at any cost.
Thomas Parkin Is this incest?
Daily Star Lede Isn't that the name of a Welsh village?
Ear Print Burglar Looks like CSI made it to Germany. (removes sunglasses, cocks head and looks coy)
Romanian Statue That doesn't look anything like pit-bull!
8yo Sacrifice Whatever it takes to keep THE BIG ONE from happening.
Good News And it's not (quite) a shaggy dog story!
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 05/07/12 at 08:49 AM
blind- It was a case of the blind leading the blind, guess what by.
Time traveler- He shoulda killed his past self to spare him from the embarrassment coming his way.
Teacher- Sock it to him, he has a foot fetish!
mom/me- Only if he touches himself while 'being' her Expat.
Ear print- I am sure they will have a hearing to decide if it is sound evidence.
Hitler- If he had won the war he would have caused global warming to destroy us all!
Airplane sacrifices- What would they sacrifice if they had a space shuttle??
Tan- She thinks that is attractive? Really??
Seeing eye dog- Beautiful.
Time traveler- He shoulda killed his past self to spare him from the embarrassment coming his way.
Teacher- Sock it to him, he has a foot fetish!
mom/me- Only if he touches himself while 'being' her Expat.
Ear print- I am sure they will have a hearing to decide if it is sound evidence.
Hitler- If he had won the war he would have caused global warming to destroy us all!
Airplane sacrifices- What would they sacrifice if they had a space shuttle??
Tan- She thinks that is attractive? Really??
Seeing eye dog- Beautiful.
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 05/07/12 at 10:38 PM
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