Ear-Piercing Your Cat, Sucking Your Firecracker
and the Morning Edition of Chuck's News of the Weird Daily for Friday, December 19, 2008 [and today, the only edition]
Sallie Mae to family of dead Marine: Hey, ya think credit grows on trees?
After college, Ian McVey passed up big bucks to join the Marines, and was about to ship out for Iraq when a bad driver fatally creamed him, and two of his student-loan lenders told the grieving family not to bother with the loans, but not the other lender, Sallie Mae, the U.S.'s major originator of federally-insured student loans. Bonus: Apparently Sallie Mae deals with its customers, even grieving ones, strictly by robot. Boston Globe
Comments 'salliemae_marine'
Roy Pearson is down to his last, oh, two years of appeals
A D. C. Court of Appeals panel unanimously tossed out Pearson's $54m lawsuit against the dry cleaner for those damned pants (formerly worth $67m, he said), but of course the judges were overly respectful, instead of telling him, say, "Give it up, you big fool, you're embarrassing the entire U.S. legal system, you need serious counseling and pharmacological help." He has two more threads left: He can ask the D.C. court as a whole to reconsider it, and if they say no, he can ask, pretty please, the U.S. Supreme Court. He will lose both, easily. So? You got a problem with that? Washington Post
Comments 'roy_pearson'
Recurring Theme: Not my fault I rammed into the back of that truck, drunk
Blood-alcohol was 3x the state limit, and the crash killed her passenger-boyfriend, but it turns out, according to this lawsuit, that it was not her fault at all, but actually the fault of these 16 parties, including insurance companies and banks and, of course, that dumb driver who allowed himself to get hit. And what about my Lexus? They need to buy me a new Lexus! (Bonus: Her dad's a judge.) Houston Chronicle
Comments 'lawsuit_lexus'
Your Daily Loser
Cops don't have a name yet, but they found his ladies' restroom cam and checked out the memory card, and the only image on it so far was . . the guy who set up the restroom cam. Daily Herald (Arlington Heights, Ill.)
Comments 'restroom_cam'
People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
The taboo against self-pleasuring is damned powerful! That taboo apparently caused some men in the Melbourne, Fla., area to forgo their own hands and go do business with Bridget Rivera and Joni Jankowski. WFTV (Orlando)
Comments 'rivera_jankowski'
Your Daily Jury Duty
[no fair examining the evidence; verdict must be based on mugshot only]
Robert Barie, 56, Jacksonville, Fla., might have been arrested for merely trying to freshen his breath. First Coast News (Jacksonville) via WTSP-TV (St. Petersburg)
Comments 'robert_barie'
More Things to Worry About on Friday
Job opening for a couple: $100k/yr, with free Pacific island housing, light duties (but one of which is enduring a fog horn that goes off every 20 seconds, 24/7). Deutsche Presse Agentur via Earth Times
Perhaps Kansas's sexual-consent law needs rewriting . . if it now can't keep a woman in her 40s with a mental capacity of a 3-yr-old from "consenting" to sex with her caregiver. Kansas City Star
"This is your pilot speaking. We have to turn around and go back to Cardiff because I'm not qualified to land the plane here in Paris. Sorry 'bout that." USA Today
Can't Possibly Be True: A Pennsylvania woman was selling kittens tricked up with ear, neck, and tail piercings. Times Leader (Wilkes-Barre)
California's Supreme Court OK'ed lawsuits against good Samaritans if they step in and save your life but manage to be a little too rough in the process. Los Angeles Times
A Thai teenager, showing off, put a firecracker in his mouth and lit the fuse and, yeah, blew his face open. (Bonus: The local paper described the mouth action as a "sex act.") Phuket Gazette [Ed.: Relax; it's pronounced poo-ket]
Today's Newsrangers: Paul Music, Stephen Taylor, Tamara Mills, Sandy Pearlman
Comments on More Things to Worry About on Friday?
Comments 'worry_081219'
Editor's Note
I regret to report that I will be taking a week off from posting the news, following the post of Monday morning, December 22. After that one, you'll next see me on a post of Monday morning, December 29. My pals Alex and Paul have promised to continue to keep you entertained in the interim.
Sallie Mae to family of dead Marine: Hey, ya think credit grows on trees?
After college, Ian McVey passed up big bucks to join the Marines, and was about to ship out for Iraq when a bad driver fatally creamed him, and two of his student-loan lenders told the grieving family not to bother with the loans, but not the other lender, Sallie Mae, the U.S.'s major originator of federally-insured student loans. Bonus: Apparently Sallie Mae deals with its customers, even grieving ones, strictly by robot. Boston Globe
Comments 'salliemae_marine'
Roy Pearson is down to his last, oh, two years of appeals
A D. C. Court of Appeals panel unanimously tossed out Pearson's $54m lawsuit against the dry cleaner for those damned pants (formerly worth $67m, he said), but of course the judges were overly respectful, instead of telling him, say, "Give it up, you big fool, you're embarrassing the entire U.S. legal system, you need serious counseling and pharmacological help." He has two more threads left: He can ask the D.C. court as a whole to reconsider it, and if they say no, he can ask, pretty please, the U.S. Supreme Court. He will lose both, easily. So? You got a problem with that? Washington Post
Comments 'roy_pearson'
Recurring Theme: Not my fault I rammed into the back of that truck, drunk
Blood-alcohol was 3x the state limit, and the crash killed her passenger-boyfriend, but it turns out, according to this lawsuit, that it was not her fault at all, but actually the fault of these 16 parties, including insurance companies and banks and, of course, that dumb driver who allowed himself to get hit. And what about my Lexus? They need to buy me a new Lexus! (Bonus: Her dad's a judge.) Houston Chronicle
Comments 'lawsuit_lexus'
Your Daily Loser
Cops don't have a name yet, but they found his ladies' restroom cam and checked out the memory card, and the only image on it so far was . . the guy who set up the restroom cam. Daily Herald (Arlington Heights, Ill.)
Comments 'restroom_cam'
People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
The taboo against self-pleasuring is damned powerful! That taboo apparently caused some men in the Melbourne, Fla., area to forgo their own hands and go do business with Bridget Rivera and Joni Jankowski. WFTV (Orlando)
Comments 'rivera_jankowski'
Your Daily Jury Duty
[no fair examining the evidence; verdict must be based on mugshot only]
Robert Barie, 56, Jacksonville, Fla., might have been arrested for merely trying to freshen his breath. First Coast News (Jacksonville) via WTSP-TV (St. Petersburg)
Comments 'robert_barie'
More Things to Worry About on Friday
Job opening for a couple: $100k/yr, with free Pacific island housing, light duties (but one of which is enduring a fog horn that goes off every 20 seconds, 24/7). Deutsche Presse Agentur via Earth Times
Perhaps Kansas's sexual-consent law needs rewriting . . if it now can't keep a woman in her 40s with a mental capacity of a 3-yr-old from "consenting" to sex with her caregiver. Kansas City Star
"This is your pilot speaking. We have to turn around and go back to Cardiff because I'm not qualified to land the plane here in Paris. Sorry 'bout that." USA Today
Can't Possibly Be True: A Pennsylvania woman was selling kittens tricked up with ear, neck, and tail piercings. Times Leader (Wilkes-Barre)
California's Supreme Court OK'ed lawsuits against good Samaritans if they step in and save your life but manage to be a little too rough in the process. Los Angeles Times
A Thai teenager, showing off, put a firecracker in his mouth and lit the fuse and, yeah, blew his face open. (Bonus: The local paper described the mouth action as a "sex act.") Phuket Gazette [Ed.: Relax; it's pronounced poo-ket]
Today's Newsrangers: Paul Music, Stephen Taylor, Tamara Mills, Sandy Pearlman
Comments on More Things to Worry About on Friday?
Comments 'worry_081219'
Editor's Note
I regret to report that I will be taking a week off from posting the news, following the post of Monday morning, December 22. After that one, you'll next see me on a post of Monday morning, December 29. My pals Alex and Paul have promised to continue to keep you entertained in the interim.
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