News of the Weird 2.0 (August 12, 2013)
News of the Weird 2.0
Angst, Confusion, Cynicism, Ridicule
Prime Cuts of Underreported News from Last Week, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
August 12, 2013
(datelines August 3-August 10) (links correct as of August 11)
★ ★ ★ ★!
You think you’re conflicted? Shahar Hadar is an Orthodox Jew, gay, and practicing to be a top-of-the-line drag queen. Knitted white yarmulke, off! Wavy blond wig and pink velvet dress, on! (However, he does wear the yarmulke to drag class.) Mom and dad are down with it. His ex-wife, not so much. Associated Press via Ynet News (Tel Aviv)
News of the Self-Indulgent: The upscale bar at the Los Angeles County Museum of Art announced it will offer a 20-item menu of world waters, created by certified water sommelier Martin Riese, priced at $8-$16 a bottle (or a $12 sampler). Words fail. [ed.: Not so fast, Chuck. You’re a "writer"; you’re supposed to come up with the words.] (Maybe I’ve met my match.) Eater.com
A Russian Judge with More Balls Than Any U.S. Judge: The court awarded the first round, at least, to Dmitry Argarkov, the credit-card user, over Tinkoff Credit Systems, the card issuer. Argarkov had scanned, edited, and then reprinted Tinkoff’s heavily one-sided contract, to make it one-sided the other way, and Tinkoff, not noticing, much less actually reading, the modified contract, robo-signed it. It’s therefore valid, declared the court. (You don’t expect us to read this entire contract, Tinkoff asked, apparently without wincing at the irony.) Daily Telegraph (London)
“Exhibit A” That She’s Not Crazy: Suzanne Jensen (who looks like she might be Stuart Jensen or Andrew Jensen) apparently has an uncontrollable habit for breaking into buildings. It says here that she most recently tried to make it onto MacDill Air Force Base in Tampa by the ol’ “getting underneath an overturned garbage can and slowly crawling past the gate.” They caught her, but Bravo! Bay News 9 (Bright House Cable Tampa Bay)
More Things to Worry About
The Progressive Mind: Maryland’s attorney general, single-mindedly seeking to lower the recidivism rate in his prison system, proposed to issue inmates Android tablets so they’ll be better prepared for jobs when they’re released. (He’s no-doubt correct, but can anyone think of a downside or two, or six?) Washington Times
The F State gov’t, showing that it does have a few standards, stepped in at the last minute to cancel a Mixed Martial Arts fight between two medically-cleared, consenting adults, just because one has cerebral palsy and the other Down syndrome. The fighters screamed. Profiling! Discrimination! WINK-TV (Fort Myers)
Univ. of Tokyo researchers have developed a “liar” mirror. You look at it, and its facial-recognition software slightly changes your expression into a smile. Why would that be useful? Well, of course: If you see yourself smiling, in a store, you’re more likely to buy something. Slate.com
You might worry about this, but Lauderhill, Fla., police don’t, for some reason. Photographs from a major bust of synthetic marijuana showed several cops, described by police as “undercover” officers, walking around, locked and loaded, unmasked. The South Florida Sun-Sentinel showed them only from behind, but everyone at the scene, presumably including bust-ees, could see ‘em full-face. South Florida Sun-Sentinel
The Aristocrats!
Kendra Gill, 18, “Miss Riverton” in the upcoming Miss Utah pageant, was among those booked on suspicion of throwing homemade bombs around a Salt Lake City suburb. A pageant spokesperson: “[W]e’re hopeful this will just blow over . . ..” CNN
Officer Thomas Merenda of Lauder--Oh, jeez, not these guys again--Lauderhill, Fla., was charged with giving favorable treatment to a young-lady traffic-stop driver if she wouldgive him oral sex punch him in the nuts. South Florida Sun-Sentinel
A courageous Massachusetts state trooper stood up to DUI suspect Vivencia Bellegarde, 25, who ran a newspaper truck off the road and sped away, and when the wild chase ended (and the trooper found two welfare debit cards on her that didn’t belong to her), she yelled at him for being stupid by paying for food when she got it free. Then she informed trooper William Kococinski that she is Haitian and was about to put some voodoo on his “white ass.” Etc. Boston Herald
Weekly Cite-Seeing
"Hayward Man Burned Down Carport While Siphoning Gas from Neighbors, Officials Say" --- Contra Costa Times
"Believe It or Not, 2.58 Million People Still Pay for AOL Service" --- Consumerist.com
"Drone Delivers Beer Not Bombs at South Africa Music Festival" --- Agence France-Presse via Breitbart.com
Strange Old World
Iran doubled down on Sharia by unveiling its new finger-amputation machine for use on thieves. No more cleavers. Just turn the wheel on the guillotine-like thingy. Daily Telegraph (London)
Lukas Novy has been issued an official gov’t ID card in the Czech Republic, with the photo depicting him wearing a colander--“required” by his Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Salon.com
Two macaques escaped from the Straussberg Adventure Park in eastern Germany, apparently on the run from the jealous bullying of “Cornelius,” the resident alpha male. They were captured . . and castrated. (But aren't we all against bullying? Shouldn’t we be castrating Cornelius, instead? Well, castration is not punishment, officials said; it’s to calm them down and reduce the overall hormone imbalance in the Park, as there are way more males than females.) Spiegel Online
Self-help in Nairobi. Campus females at Kenyatta University don’t need no stinkin’ police. They found the resident restroom peeping tom and pelted him with all the available feces. The Standard (Nairobi)
Your Weekly Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . . until the mug shot is released]
Tampa-area resident Mohammad Abukhder has a lot to learn about women. Does Rebecca Simmons look like the kind of woman who will take kindly to someone grabbing her car keys in a McD’s drive-thru (even if she did raise his ire by cutting in line)? And that's why Mohammad is sitting down gingerly for a few days. WTSP-TV (St. Petersburg)
Editor's Note
Sad to report: Even when Yr Editor gets hoaxed on Weird Universe, I can’t even get a mention when CNet News does a lengthy report on the hoax, naming a few of the hoaxees. How embarrassingto be hoaxed to be so anonymous! (The story? Oh, right. It was the Japanese teens licking their boy/girlfriend’s eyeballs, which appeared in this space back on June 17th.) (It’s not so bad if I run a goof on purpose and hardly anyone notices. But it’s professionally dispiriting if a whole bunch of us get punk’d and I get left out of the post mortem.) CNet News
Newsrangers: John Rankin and Peter Smagorinsky and the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.
Angst, Confusion, Cynicism, Ridicule
Prime Cuts of Underreported News from Last Week, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
August 12, 2013
(datelines August 3-August 10) (links correct as of August 11)
★ ★ ★ ★!
You think you’re conflicted? Shahar Hadar is an Orthodox Jew, gay, and practicing to be a top-of-the-line drag queen. Knitted white yarmulke, off! Wavy blond wig and pink velvet dress, on! (However, he does wear the yarmulke to drag class.) Mom and dad are down with it. His ex-wife, not so much. Associated Press via Ynet News (Tel Aviv)
News of the Self-Indulgent: The upscale bar at the Los Angeles County Museum of Art announced it will offer a 20-item menu of world waters, created by certified water sommelier Martin Riese, priced at $8-$16 a bottle (or a $12 sampler). Words fail. [ed.: Not so fast, Chuck. You’re a "writer"; you’re supposed to come up with the words.] (Maybe I’ve met my match.) Eater.com
A Russian Judge with More Balls Than Any U.S. Judge: The court awarded the first round, at least, to Dmitry Argarkov, the credit-card user, over Tinkoff Credit Systems, the card issuer. Argarkov had scanned, edited, and then reprinted Tinkoff’s heavily one-sided contract, to make it one-sided the other way, and Tinkoff, not noticing, much less actually reading, the modified contract, robo-signed it. It’s therefore valid, declared the court. (You don’t expect us to read this entire contract, Tinkoff asked, apparently without wincing at the irony.) Daily Telegraph (London)
“Exhibit A” That She’s Not Crazy: Suzanne Jensen (who looks like she might be Stuart Jensen or Andrew Jensen) apparently has an uncontrollable habit for breaking into buildings. It says here that she most recently tried to make it onto MacDill Air Force Base in Tampa by the ol’ “getting underneath an overturned garbage can and slowly crawling past the gate.” They caught her, but Bravo! Bay News 9 (Bright House Cable Tampa Bay)
More Things to Worry About
The Progressive Mind: Maryland’s attorney general, single-mindedly seeking to lower the recidivism rate in his prison system, proposed to issue inmates Android tablets so they’ll be better prepared for jobs when they’re released. (He’s no-doubt correct, but can anyone think of a downside or two, or six?) Washington Times
The F State gov’t, showing that it does have a few standards, stepped in at the last minute to cancel a Mixed Martial Arts fight between two medically-cleared, consenting adults, just because one has cerebral palsy and the other Down syndrome. The fighters screamed. Profiling! Discrimination! WINK-TV (Fort Myers)
Univ. of Tokyo researchers have developed a “liar” mirror. You look at it, and its facial-recognition software slightly changes your expression into a smile. Why would that be useful? Well, of course: If you see yourself smiling, in a store, you’re more likely to buy something. Slate.com
You might worry about this, but Lauderhill, Fla., police don’t, for some reason. Photographs from a major bust of synthetic marijuana showed several cops, described by police as “undercover” officers, walking around, locked and loaded, unmasked. The South Florida Sun-Sentinel showed them only from behind, but everyone at the scene, presumably including bust-ees, could see ‘em full-face. South Florida Sun-Sentinel
The Aristocrats!
Kendra Gill, 18, “Miss Riverton” in the upcoming Miss Utah pageant, was among those booked on suspicion of throwing homemade bombs around a Salt Lake City suburb. A pageant spokesperson: “[W]e’re hopeful this will just blow over . . ..” CNN
Officer Thomas Merenda of Lauder--Oh, jeez, not these guys again--Lauderhill, Fla., was charged with giving favorable treatment to a young-lady traffic-stop driver if she would
A courageous Massachusetts state trooper stood up to DUI suspect Vivencia Bellegarde, 25, who ran a newspaper truck off the road and sped away, and when the wild chase ended (and the trooper found two welfare debit cards on her that didn’t belong to her), she yelled at him for being stupid by paying for food when she got it free. Then she informed trooper William Kococinski that she is Haitian and was about to put some voodoo on his “white ass.” Etc. Boston Herald
Weekly Cite-Seeing
"Hayward Man Burned Down Carport While Siphoning Gas from Neighbors, Officials Say" --- Contra Costa Times
"Believe It or Not, 2.58 Million People Still Pay for AOL Service" --- Consumerist.com
"Drone Delivers Beer Not Bombs at South Africa Music Festival" --- Agence France-Presse via Breitbart.com
Strange Old World
Iran doubled down on Sharia by unveiling its new finger-amputation machine for use on thieves. No more cleavers. Just turn the wheel on the guillotine-like thingy. Daily Telegraph (London)
Lukas Novy has been issued an official gov’t ID card in the Czech Republic, with the photo depicting him wearing a colander--“required” by his Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Salon.com
Two macaques escaped from the Straussberg Adventure Park in eastern Germany, apparently on the run from the jealous bullying of “Cornelius,” the resident alpha male. They were captured . . and castrated. (But aren't we all against bullying? Shouldn’t we be castrating Cornelius, instead? Well, castration is not punishment, officials said; it’s to calm them down and reduce the overall hormone imbalance in the Park, as there are way more males than females.) Spiegel Online
Self-help in Nairobi. Campus females at Kenyatta University don’t need no stinkin’ police. They found the resident restroom peeping tom and pelted him with all the available feces. The Standard (Nairobi)
Your Weekly Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . . until the mug shot is released]
Tampa-area resident Mohammad Abukhder has a lot to learn about women. Does Rebecca Simmons look like the kind of woman who will take kindly to someone grabbing her car keys in a McD’s drive-thru (even if she did raise his ire by cutting in line)? And that's why Mohammad is sitting down gingerly for a few days. WTSP-TV (St. Petersburg)
Editor's Note
Sad to report: Even when Yr Editor gets hoaxed on Weird Universe, I can’t even get a mention when CNet News does a lengthy report on the hoax, naming a few of the hoaxees. How embarrassing
Newsrangers: John Rankin and Peter Smagorinsky and the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.
Comments
Shahar Hadar Oy vay! With a face like that and he want's to be a queen, yet?
LA Water And some still wonder why the state is broke?
Russian Judge Is good the Bear has balls. Decadent Westerners still allowing Major A$$hole who shot many people to talk and walk!
Maryland’s A.G. OO! ME!!!! ME!!! ME!!! I can think of a few!!!
Synthetic Marijuana That's sort'a like making love to a plastic doll, isn't it?
Miss Riverton And this is worse than cherry bombs 'back in the day'? Oh... wait... that's got that dreaded 4letter word in it too. Sorry, I didn't mean to scare anyone.
Castrated Macaques At least all the cop wanted was a hit.
Knife Fight at McD's And the gubment is worried about people getting fat at McD's?
Anonymous Chuck I'd sue, Chuck! Using your stuff and not giving you credit. Sick-em!
The F State Will y'all quit pickin' on it. Mom says it's been terrible hot down there lately.
LA Water And some still wonder why the state is broke?
Russian Judge Is good the Bear has balls. Decadent Westerners still allowing Major A$$hole who shot many people to talk and walk!
Maryland’s A.G. OO! ME!!!! ME!!! ME!!! I can think of a few!!!
Synthetic Marijuana That's sort'a like making love to a plastic doll, isn't it?
Miss Riverton And this is worse than cherry bombs 'back in the day'? Oh... wait... that's got that dreaded 4letter word in it too. Sorry, I didn't mean to scare anyone.
Castrated Macaques At least all the cop wanted was a hit.
Knife Fight at McD's And the gubment is worried about people getting fat at McD's?
Anonymous Chuck I'd sue, Chuck! Using your stuff and not giving you credit. Sick-em!
The F State Will y'all quit pickin' on it. Mom says it's been terrible hot down there lately.
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 08/12/13 at 09:58 AM
RE: Bottled Water
I wonder if the museum got the idea from Penn & Teller's "Bullsh*t" show from many years ago where they fooled peopled at a restaurant by serving them from-the-hose-out-back tap water in fancy bottles?
I wonder if the museum got the idea from Penn & Teller's "Bullsh*t" show from many years ago where they fooled peopled at a restaurant by serving them from-the-hose-out-back tap water in fancy bottles?
Posted by John S on 08/12/13 at 12:21 PM
re: The F State - Once again, life imitates South Park. Jimmy vs. Timmy
Posted by Mark on 08/12/13 at 03:53 PM
Hey Chuck,
Better to be admired by a few than to be known to many.
FYI an Asian girl licked the eyeball of her date on some dating show...maybe Millionaire Matchmaker?? I saw it on TV!!
😊
Better to be admired by a few than to be known to many.
FYI an Asian girl licked the eyeball of her date on some dating show...maybe Millionaire Matchmaker?? I saw it on TV!!
😊
Posted by girlgeniusNYC on 08/12/13 at 05:38 PM
Editor's note- With all the bizarre stuff they do in Japan anyone is bound to fall for about anything attributed to them. And Chuck, sweetheart, screw 'em if they fail to see the importance of the KING OF THE WEIRD!
water- Yuppie retards!
Russian judge- That is great!!!!! He who lives by the sword dies by the sword. Anyone else see the South Park about Kyle signing the Apple privacy agreement without reading it? Hilarious!
garbage can stealth- Watched a few too many cartoons I'll wager.
Palsy vs Downs- They have the same right as anyone else to do stupid shit. No fair discriminating against them just because they are 'differently-abled'!
gas thief- Bet he was smoking when he siphoned the gas as in,"If you light up a Marboro while stealing gas from the neighbor; you just might be a redneck!"
church of the FSM- About time someone stood up for this poor misunderstood religion!
peeping tom- Bet he won't do that again! Good for the gals!!
water- Yuppie retards!
Russian judge- That is great!!!!! He who lives by the sword dies by the sword. Anyone else see the South Park about Kyle signing the Apple privacy agreement without reading it? Hilarious!
garbage can stealth- Watched a few too many cartoons I'll wager.
Palsy vs Downs- They have the same right as anyone else to do stupid shit. No fair discriminating against them just because they are 'differently-abled'!
gas thief- Bet he was smoking when he siphoned the gas as in,"If you light up a Marboro while stealing gas from the neighbor; you just might be a redneck!"
church of the FSM- About time someone stood up for this poor misunderstood religion!
peeping tom- Bet he won't do that again! Good for the gals!!
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 08/12/13 at 09:09 PM
@Patty: A crip and the village idiot and you come up with 'differently-abled'?
Ah... too much equality? :red:
Ah... too much equality? :red:
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 08/12/13 at 11:26 PM
Sorry you couldn't see I had my tongue in my cheek way over here honey. 😉
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 08/12/13 at 11:56 PM
And here I thought you had "P.C. Girl" embroidered on the back of your cape. 😊
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 08/13/13 at 01:41 AM
English is turning into Newspeak. What will we call it the next time somebody throws bombs? Can't call it "throwing bombs" any more because "throwing bombs" means playing with firecrackers now.
WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH
WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH
Posted by Cougar Allen on 08/18/13 at 12:10 PM
Chuck, you know you've made it when mainstream media folks honor you with out-of-season April Fool's pranks. Folks who eat poisonous puffer fish and lionize Hello Kitty probably do this in private, and wear Hello Conjunctivitis pink in public.
Posted by Angie unduplicated on 08/20/13 at 12:42 PM
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