News of the Weird 2.0 (June 25, 2012)
News of the Weird 2.0
Two or Three Times a Week, Since May 21, 2012
Underreported News, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
June 25, 2012
(datelines from June 15 or later) (links correct as of June 25)
★ ★ ★ ★!
Houston, Tex.: California lawyer Leonard Sawyerr [yep, r-r] was convicted last week of exhibiting multiple, seriously-inappropriate erections on a Continental flight from Los Angeles in February 2011. Houston Press
Springfield, Ill.: The state Supreme Court concluded there was nothing they could do except enforce two state laws: A man who had sex with a consenting 17-yr-old girl can't be prosecuted for the sex (age of consent is 17) but can be for taking a photo of her (child porn applies to under-18s). Associated Press via Springfield Journal-Register
Los Angeles: On June 12th, Jerry Patterson got thoroughly clobbered by two road-raging men. On June 21st, Jerry Patterson was arrested for having been a road-rager himself in May, dishing out two black eyes. Los Angeles Times
Menomonee Falls, Wis.: Lynne Rasbornik, 56, was charged with domestic abuse for roughing up her husband over his "pornography" habit, specifically, her accidental discovery of the disgusting Onion and the Milwaukee alternative weekly Shepherd Express [ed.: no relation, although it does run the News of the Weird column]. Way Unclear on the Concept. Menomonee Falls Patch
Sherbooke, Quebec: Hypnotist Maxime Nadeau was hired to put on a show at a private girls' high school, and all went well until he couldn't get one of the girls untranced . . for five hours . . and finally had to call his mentor to come bring the girl home. An Emergency Hypnosis Technician! Canadian Broadcasting Corp. News
Tulsa, Okla.: Kalvin Hulvey, 35, stole Jeremy Penny's car. Penny saw him, and followed him, and this being Oklahoma, caught him, roped and hog-tied him, and then called the sheriff for pickup. KOTV (Tulsa)
Singapore: A National University of Singapore researcher hypothesizes that males of a species of tropical spider maximize their reproduction chances by . . self-castration! (It goes like this: By lopping off their testes after mating, they become leaner, meaner fighting machines, able to keep other males, and their sperm, at bay and to keep from being eaten by the female they've just mated with.) [ed. Bless those researchers' hearts.] DiscoverMagazine.com
News of the Weird 1.0
Again: Those hardy, devil-may-care Brits are at it again. A primary school got the Chief Starter for races at the upcoming London Olympics to be the guest starter for the school's sports day races . . but the West Dunbartonshire Council went nuts and banned him from actually shooting the starter's pistol. He'll have to blow a bicycle horn, instead, because a gun might frighten the delicate little urchins. World's Greatest Newspaper
Again: Charles Baker in Palmetto, Fla. (just south of Weird Central headquarters), was arrested for assault. Naked? Check. Bit a chunk out of the victim's arm? Check. Press called him a zombie? Check. WWSB-TV (Sarasota)
Again: Another guy who changed his name to Jesus Christ is in trouble. Houston Press
Update: A man who was widely reported in 1975 as having died laughing (while watching a sketch-comedy TV show) is now believed merely to have suffered from Long QT syndrome (a heart rhythm disorder). That's because his granddaughter now has it. Daily Telegraph (London)
Undignified Deaths
Cornelius, N.C.: Jacob Kost, 23, won the argument. There was a dispute, but Jacob does have the better truck . . because he used it to run the other guy over. Associated Press via Salisbury Post (Salisbury, N.C.)
Changsha, China: Jiang Xiaoshan, 26, expired after supposedly going 11 nights without sleep because he needed to watch all the Euro 2012 games on TV (and yet not miss any days of work). (Alcohol might have been involved, too.) World's Greatest Newspaper, citing Sina.com
More Links
Napa County, Calif.: She never knew her real son so when she finally found him, she said the sex was natural ("genetic attraction"). Napa Valley Register
Crawley, England: He was banned from the school library for being obnoxious while over-studying, but kept returning because he just needed to study. Yahoo News
Dubai, United Arab Emirates: The Indonesian maid thought urinating in the tea would make m'lady treat her better. Gulf News
Editor's Notes
Time-Wasters: 50 Wedding Photos (not a slide show). (Bonus: Not all of them look staged.) /// A transcript of an Australian court proceeding featuring the world's filthiest-mouthed defendant and the world's most impossibly patient judge. World's Greatest Newspaper /// Justinian.com.au (pdf file) (Not Safe For Work)
Thanks to Mark Stevens, Jeff Hochberg, Eric Ivers, Craig Cryer, Bill Bloxham, Timotheos, and Sandy Pearlman, and the mighty NOTW Board of Editorial Advisors.
Two or Three Times a Week, Since May 21, 2012
Underreported News, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
June 25, 2012
(datelines from June 15 or later) (links correct as of June 25)
★ ★ ★ ★!
Houston, Tex.: California lawyer Leonard Sawyerr [yep, r-r] was convicted last week of exhibiting multiple, seriously-inappropriate erections on a Continental flight from Los Angeles in February 2011. Houston Press
Springfield, Ill.: The state Supreme Court concluded there was nothing they could do except enforce two state laws: A man who had sex with a consenting 17-yr-old girl can't be prosecuted for the sex (age of consent is 17) but can be for taking a photo of her (child porn applies to under-18s). Associated Press via Springfield Journal-Register
Los Angeles: On June 12th, Jerry Patterson got thoroughly clobbered by two road-raging men. On June 21st, Jerry Patterson was arrested for having been a road-rager himself in May, dishing out two black eyes. Los Angeles Times
Menomonee Falls, Wis.: Lynne Rasbornik, 56, was charged with domestic abuse for roughing up her husband over his "pornography" habit, specifically, her accidental discovery of the disgusting Onion and the Milwaukee alternative weekly Shepherd Express [ed.: no relation, although it does run the News of the Weird column]. Way Unclear on the Concept. Menomonee Falls Patch
Sherbooke, Quebec: Hypnotist Maxime Nadeau was hired to put on a show at a private girls' high school, and all went well until he couldn't get one of the girls untranced . . for five hours . . and finally had to call his mentor to come bring the girl home. An Emergency Hypnosis Technician! Canadian Broadcasting Corp. News
Tulsa, Okla.: Kalvin Hulvey, 35, stole Jeremy Penny's car. Penny saw him, and followed him, and this being Oklahoma, caught him, roped and hog-tied him, and then called the sheriff for pickup. KOTV (Tulsa)
Singapore: A National University of Singapore researcher hypothesizes that males of a species of tropical spider maximize their reproduction chances by . . self-castration! (It goes like this: By lopping off their testes after mating, they become leaner, meaner fighting machines, able to keep other males, and their sperm, at bay and to keep from being eaten by the female they've just mated with.) [ed. Bless those researchers' hearts.] DiscoverMagazine.com
News of the Weird 1.0
Again: Those hardy, devil-may-care Brits are at it again. A primary school got the Chief Starter for races at the upcoming London Olympics to be the guest starter for the school's sports day races . . but the West Dunbartonshire Council went nuts and banned him from actually shooting the starter's pistol. He'll have to blow a bicycle horn, instead, because a gun might frighten the delicate little urchins. World's Greatest Newspaper
Again: Charles Baker in Palmetto, Fla. (just south of Weird Central headquarters), was arrested for assault. Naked? Check. Bit a chunk out of the victim's arm? Check. Press called him a zombie? Check. WWSB-TV (Sarasota)
Again: Another guy who changed his name to Jesus Christ is in trouble. Houston Press
Update: A man who was widely reported in 1975 as having died laughing (while watching a sketch-comedy TV show) is now believed merely to have suffered from Long QT syndrome (a heart rhythm disorder). That's because his granddaughter now has it. Daily Telegraph (London)
Undignified Deaths
Cornelius, N.C.: Jacob Kost, 23, won the argument. There was a dispute, but Jacob does have the better truck . . because he used it to run the other guy over. Associated Press via Salisbury Post (Salisbury, N.C.)
Changsha, China: Jiang Xiaoshan, 26, expired after supposedly going 11 nights without sleep because he needed to watch all the Euro 2012 games on TV (and yet not miss any days of work). (Alcohol might have been involved, too.) World's Greatest Newspaper, citing Sina.com
More Links
Napa County, Calif.: She never knew her real son so when she finally found him, she said the sex was natural ("genetic attraction"). Napa Valley Register
Crawley, England: He was banned from the school library for being obnoxious while over-studying, but kept returning because he just needed to study. Yahoo News
Dubai, United Arab Emirates: The Indonesian maid thought urinating in the tea would make m'lady treat her better. Gulf News
Editor's Notes
Time-Wasters: 50 Wedding Photos (not a slide show). (Bonus: Not all of them look staged.) /// A transcript of an Australian court proceeding featuring the world's filthiest-mouthed defendant and the world's most impossibly patient judge. World's Greatest Newspaper /// Justinian.com.au (pdf file) (Not Safe For Work)
Thanks to Mark Stevens, Jeff Hochberg, Eric Ivers, Craig Cryer, Bill Bloxham, Timotheos, and Sandy Pearlman, and the mighty NOTW Board of Editorial Advisors.
Comments
Tulsa: I read it as "raped" instead of "roped" and thought, well, geez, that's a little excessive for a stolen vehicle, isn't it?
Posted by Anonypenguin on 06/25/12 at 09:08 AM
time-waster 2: whoa. I think that goes beyond patience. I can't help but wonder how the rest of it went...
Posted by Anonypenguin on 06/25/12 at 09:16 AM
Mexafornia Lawyer An upstanding man, for a lawyer.
Ill 17->18 I've heard higher math confuses lawyers.
Hypnotist Some girls are just easier than others.
Spiders You'd think it, but they're not nuts.
Long QT Syndrome 37 years later it just ain't NEWs anymore.
Jiang Xiaoshan Two birds with one stone. Cured China's overpopulation and one less SOCCER FAN in the world.
Ill 17->18 I've heard higher math confuses lawyers.
Hypnotist Some girls are just easier than others.
Spiders You'd think it, but they're not nuts.
Long QT Syndrome 37 years later it just ain't NEWs anymore.
Jiang Xiaoshan Two birds with one stone. Cured China's overpopulation and one less SOCCER FAN in the world.
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 06/25/12 at 09:42 AM
Spiders: too bad we can't convince some humans that this is a good idea. Desmond Hatchett, for example.
Hypnosis: definitely keep their names for a few years, until they're no longer jail-bait. Bonus: the principal's name means "the awakened one".
Dubai: someone took The Color Purple a little too seriously.
2 Rs, 1 brain: he's in for a big surprise when he finds out that he's not getting the Lohan discount jail time rate in the Federal Pen in Texas.
Hypnosis: definitely keep their names for a few years, until they're no longer jail-bait. Bonus: the principal's name means "the awakened one".
Dubai: someone took The Color Purple a little too seriously.
2 Rs, 1 brain: he's in for a big surprise when he finds out that he's not getting the Lohan discount jail time rate in the Federal Pen in Texas.
Posted by TheCannyScot in Atlanta, GA on 06/25/12 at 11:08 AM
lawyer- The doctor said take the WHITE PILL for air sickness, the blue pill is for something else!
porn beat down- Porn, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder, and apparently she beheld porn.
hypnosis- That is why I would never agree to being hypnotized, you just do not know what might happen.
Hog tied car thief- HA HA HA HA !!
spiders- s*h*u*d*d*e*r I hate spiders, even neutered ones!
trucks- Well his truck was definitely tougher than the other guy's BODY anyway.
incest- What the hell is wrong with that woman?! Abandoning him was not good enough, she had to come back and destroy his life. Tragic for the young man.
Library ban- Why? What did he really do that was so bad? I do not get it.
P(ee) T(ea)- Oh boy lady, urine trouble now! Probably would have been less noticeable in lemonade.
porn beat down- Porn, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder, and apparently she beheld porn.
hypnosis- That is why I would never agree to being hypnotized, you just do not know what might happen.
Hog tied car thief- HA HA HA HA !!
spiders- s*h*u*d*d*e*r I hate spiders, even neutered ones!
trucks- Well his truck was definitely tougher than the other guy's BODY anyway.
incest- What the hell is wrong with that woman?! Abandoning him was not good enough, she had to come back and destroy his life. Tragic for the young man.
Library ban- Why? What did he really do that was so bad? I do not get it.
P(ee) T(ea)- Oh boy lady, urine trouble now! Probably would have been less noticeable in lemonade.
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 06/25/12 at 10:41 PM
Commenting is not available in this channel entry.
Category: