News of the Weird 2.0 (November 25, 2013)
News of the Weird 2.0
Angst, Confusion, Cynicism, Ridicule
Prime Cuts of Underreported News from Last Week, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
November 25, 2013
(datelines November 16-November 23) (links correct as of November 24)
An “I’m Offended”-Era Classic: The Army, trying to recruit (physically) strong women for combat, suggested to the PR people to show women in ads that are not all that gorgeous (because, I’m pretty sure research shows) gorgeous women often get perceived as, umm, not the trench-warfare type, and if they “often” are so perceived, that reduces the number of able Army applicants. No sooner than word got out, some of the Usual Suspects complained that the Army was insulting attractive women. These are the same Usual Suspects, of course, that take exactly the opposite position when gorgeous women hit the spotlight. Politico
“The procedure costs about $3,000. And though it may sound scary, Dr. Chynn says he believes it’s actually pretty safe.” [Yr Ed advises to always respect the words “believes” and “pretty,” when they appear as risk modifiers.] Dr. Chynn is “defending” a chick’s decision to get a platinum jewelry implant in her eye socket (but it’s not technically “in the eye,” they say, so . . .). WNEW-TV (New York City)
Always wear clean underwear, and be sure you wipe up the slippery spots on your floor--because if your house catches fire, and a firefighter slips on the slop and falls, you pay . . in the F State area around Weird Central, anyway. Tampa Bay Times
Rulz! Rulz Are For the Benefit of Us All! (1) An elementary school in Crossville, Tenn., thought walk-home students should have to stick around a half-hour after the 2 p.m. bell to keep them safe from all the drive-home pickup parents. Fair enough. But dad Jim Howe wants to personally walk home his 2 urchins, at 2 p.m., and the school won’t let him--under penalty of arrest. (2) The school district in Manitoba has its template for a healthful meal, and no matter what else is in your lunchbox, there better be some “grain.” Kristen Bartkiw’s urchin’s lunch was beef, carrots, an orange, and milk. School’s protocol: Give the urchin a Ritz cracker and fine Kristen $10. Seriously. Daily Caller /// WeightyMatters.ca
Your Monday Law School Exam: Pedestrian killed when run over by two drunk drivers. But wait. Actually, he bled to death. But wait. From stab wounds in his arm. But wait. They were superficial, and earlier, he was fine. But wait. He was on the roadway just to walk to the hospital for wound treatment. But wait. Yr Editor’s head is exploding. Winnipeg Free Press
We’ve all figured, What’s the worst that can happen if I just ignore this summons? Jason Bourcier ran up $440 in toll-road tickets he ignored. Forty months later, thanks to the Power of Compound Interest: $200k (negotiated down to $40k, because Jason is, seriously, a professional financial consultant). New York Daily News
From the Homer Tribune (Homer, Alaska): Yukon Charlie was picked up for stabbing the interminably-babbling Turkey Joe, who said he didn’t hit Charlie back because “I have been a leader of men all my life.” (Bonus: Joe lives in a bus.) Homer Tribune
La-La-La-La-La-Can’tHearYou-La-La-La-La-La: For many bureaucrats, “I didn’t make a mistake” is a far more important imperative than “The wrong thing is being done.” Most of the time, fortunately, the stakes aren’t very high. Once in a while, ummmm, you’re building a $200m commercial and residential project in the middle of Hollywood virtually on top of a thing called the California Fault. Los Angeles Times
People With Worse Sex Lives Than You: Y’know, petty sex perps in Florida’s Port St. Lucie-area metroplex are simply no match for TCPalm.com’s police writer Will Greenlee. The only issue left is whether local cops now write their official reports for Will’s benefit. Poor William Gibson, 50, of Jensen Beach, who was probably worse for wear for any crime-beat writer, but to Will’s keyboard, ehhh, Will’s got him “airing out” his penis (and taking a post-airing whiff of his fingers) and helpfully explaining that when William “fluffs” his genitals, it’s an action typically applied to pillows. Of course. TCPalm (Stuart, Fla.)
However . . . what do you expect, given America’s poor sex education? For instance, this 12-yr-old boy in Tennessee gets hit on by a former Tennessee Titans cheerleader, and she tries to pull his pants down, and he . . runs to tell his mama. Go figure. Daily News Journal (Murfreesboro) via The Tennessean (Nashville)
Cliche Come to Life: An Army officer whose DNA links him to a series of sexual assaults has been cleared by the judge to try to implicate his (allegedly) evil twin. Associated Press via USA Today
Rodney Rotert pleaded no-contest (prison sentence: deferred) to stealing a classic Camaro (alleged value, $100k), and that’s the end of that, right? Except Rotert is now suing the insurance company that owns it (that paid off the real owner) because, well, Rodney’s still got a bill of sale with the (fake) VIN on it, and dammit, that means it’s really his. Seriously. KOTV (Tulsa, Okla.)
Your Weekly Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . . until the mug shot is released]
David Adam Pate, 24. Guilt? Who cares? Put him out of his misery. FITS News (Columbia, S.C.)
Editor's Note
I’m not done. See ya tomorrow.
Newsrangers: Robert Jay, and the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.
Angst, Confusion, Cynicism, Ridicule
Prime Cuts of Underreported News from Last Week, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
November 25, 2013
(datelines November 16-November 23) (links correct as of November 24)
An “I’m Offended”-Era Classic: The Army, trying to recruit (physically) strong women for combat, suggested to the PR people to show women in ads that are not all that gorgeous (because, I’m pretty sure research shows) gorgeous women often get perceived as, umm, not the trench-warfare type, and if they “often” are so perceived, that reduces the number of able Army applicants. No sooner than word got out, some of the Usual Suspects complained that the Army was insulting attractive women. These are the same Usual Suspects, of course, that take exactly the opposite position when gorgeous women hit the spotlight. Politico
“The procedure costs about $3,000. And though it may sound scary, Dr. Chynn says he believes it’s actually pretty safe.” [Yr Ed advises to always respect the words “believes” and “pretty,” when they appear as risk modifiers.] Dr. Chynn is “defending” a chick’s decision to get a platinum jewelry implant in her eye socket (but it’s not technically “in the eye,” they say, so . . .). WNEW-TV (New York City)
Always wear clean underwear, and be sure you wipe up the slippery spots on your floor--because if your house catches fire, and a firefighter slips on the slop and falls, you pay . . in the F State area around Weird Central, anyway. Tampa Bay Times
Rulz! Rulz Are For the Benefit of Us All! (1) An elementary school in Crossville, Tenn., thought walk-home students should have to stick around a half-hour after the 2 p.m. bell to keep them safe from all the drive-home pickup parents. Fair enough. But dad Jim Howe wants to personally walk home his 2 urchins, at 2 p.m., and the school won’t let him--under penalty of arrest. (2) The school district in Manitoba has its template for a healthful meal, and no matter what else is in your lunchbox, there better be some “grain.” Kristen Bartkiw’s urchin’s lunch was beef, carrots, an orange, and milk. School’s protocol: Give the urchin a Ritz cracker and fine Kristen $10. Seriously. Daily Caller /// WeightyMatters.ca
Your Monday Law School Exam: Pedestrian killed when run over by two drunk drivers. But wait. Actually, he bled to death. But wait. From stab wounds in his arm. But wait. They were superficial, and earlier, he was fine. But wait. He was on the roadway just to walk to the hospital for wound treatment. But wait. Yr Editor’s head is exploding. Winnipeg Free Press
We’ve all figured, What’s the worst that can happen if I just ignore this summons? Jason Bourcier ran up $440 in toll-road tickets he ignored. Forty months later, thanks to the Power of Compound Interest: $200k (negotiated down to $40k, because Jason is, seriously, a professional financial consultant). New York Daily News
From the Homer Tribune (Homer, Alaska): Yukon Charlie was picked up for stabbing the interminably-babbling Turkey Joe, who said he didn’t hit Charlie back because “I have been a leader of men all my life.” (Bonus: Joe lives in a bus.) Homer Tribune
La-La-La-La-La-Can’tHearYou-La-La-La-La-La: For many bureaucrats, “I didn’t make a mistake” is a far more important imperative than “The wrong thing is being done.” Most of the time, fortunately, the stakes aren’t very high. Once in a while, ummmm, you’re building a $200m commercial and residential project in the middle of Hollywood virtually on top of a thing called the California Fault. Los Angeles Times
People With Worse Sex Lives Than You: Y’know, petty sex perps in Florida’s Port St. Lucie-area metroplex are simply no match for TCPalm.com’s police writer Will Greenlee. The only issue left is whether local cops now write their official reports for Will’s benefit. Poor William Gibson, 50, of Jensen Beach, who was probably worse for wear for any crime-beat writer, but to Will’s keyboard, ehhh, Will’s got him “airing out” his penis (and taking a post-airing whiff of his fingers) and helpfully explaining that when William “fluffs” his genitals, it’s an action typically applied to pillows. Of course. TCPalm (Stuart, Fla.)
However . . . what do you expect, given America’s poor sex education? For instance, this 12-yr-old boy in Tennessee gets hit on by a former Tennessee Titans cheerleader, and she tries to pull his pants down, and he . . runs to tell his mama. Go figure. Daily News Journal (Murfreesboro) via The Tennessean (Nashville)
Cliche Come to Life: An Army officer whose DNA links him to a series of sexual assaults has been cleared by the judge to try to implicate his (allegedly) evil twin. Associated Press via USA Today
Rodney Rotert pleaded no-contest (prison sentence: deferred) to stealing a classic Camaro (alleged value, $100k), and that’s the end of that, right? Except Rotert is now suing the insurance company that owns it (that paid off the real owner) because, well, Rodney’s still got a bill of sale with the (fake) VIN on it, and dammit, that means it’s really his. Seriously. KOTV (Tulsa, Okla.)
Your Weekly Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . . until the mug shot is released]
David Adam Pate, 24. Guilt? Who cares? Put him out of his misery. FITS News (Columbia, S.C.)
Editor's Note
I’m not done. See ya tomorrow.
Newsrangers: Robert Jay, and the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.
Comments
Put him out of HIS misery? Heck, put him out of OUR misery!
Posted by Steve on 11/25/13 at 10:02 AM
So -- 42 year old tries to have sex with 12 year old. Are you coming out in support of child molesting, Chuck?
Posted by Frank on 11/25/13 at 06:04 PM
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