News of the Weird 2.0 (October 1, 2013)
News of the Weird 2.0 / Pro Edition
Angst, Confusion, Cynicism, Ridicule
Prime Cuts of Underreported News from Last Week, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
September 30, 2013 (part II)
(datelines September 21-September 28) (links correct as of September 29)
Science Marches On: Why is it so difficult for exterminators to wipe out termites, given today’s state-of-the-art pesticides? Answer (after a 9-yr study): “scatalogical force fields,” of course. Termites protect their nests with termite dung, which, like all dung, has good microbes and bad microbes, and the good ones defend against the exterminator-invaders. Good to know. Reuters via Hartford Courant
Some People Never Learn: Land developers working on the iconic Stanley Hotel in Estes Park, Colo., reputedly the inspiration to Stephen King for “The Shining,” have announced they need more space and thus will dig up and move the hotel’s 12-gravesite pet cemetery. Fort Collins Coloradoan via USA Today
“Close Enough for Gov’t Work” Comes Alive: The U.S. security contractor USIS, which does $2.45bn worth of background checks for NSA and others (and botched those of Edward Snowden and the Washington Navy Yard shooter), is paid upon completion per file. Full background requires months to sort through. At some point, reported the New York Times, when backlogged files needed "closing," to get paid, USIS merely "flushed" the file, claiming it was closed. Apparently, Snowden and Aaron Alexis both had their files flushed. New York Times
Manuel Rodriguez, an Appreciation: He’s still working at age 80. He’s still trying to be attractive (as you can see by the mugshot). He was charged with shoplifting from Walmart . . . putting the items in his purse . . next to the lipstick he uses to freshen up. Orlando Sentinel
Another accused shoplifter to behold: the “scratch and sniff” bandit, who allegedly heisted some hair from a Beauty Zone store in Sanford, Fla. “Scratch and sniff”? Turns out (on surveillance video) the lady had a habit of first bending down to scratch her leg stubble . . and then testing the aroma of her fingers. WFTV (Orlando)
Yr Editor has recently pointed out the fatuousness of America’s national helium reserve and (srsly) national raisin reserve. The new president of Venezuela, Nicolas Maduro, has a plainer idea. Just nationalize the industry (in this case, a toilet paper factory). BBC News /// Washington Post (raisin reserve)
The Right to Be Boring, in Perspective: Last week, Yr Editor was concerned about the right to doze off being curtailed by technology (i.e., facial recognition software to pause your computer if you look disinterested). Now comes word from the Int’l Symposium on Wearable Computers that a new device might allow a speaker to check on how interested his listener is, in real time, by glimpsing how much of the listener’s brain lights up as his recipient (even a spouse!) is "listening." BBC News
The penalty in Beijing for road rage is, straight to death row--at least if one of the ragers got so mad at being kept out of “his” parking space that he grabbed a baby out of a stroller and end-zone-spiked it. BBC News
Newsrangers: Sandy Pearlman and the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.
Angst, Confusion, Cynicism, Ridicule
Prime Cuts of Underreported News from Last Week, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
September 30, 2013 (part II)
(datelines September 21-September 28) (links correct as of September 29)
Science Marches On: Why is it so difficult for exterminators to wipe out termites, given today’s state-of-the-art pesticides? Answer (after a 9-yr study): “scatalogical force fields,” of course. Termites protect their nests with termite dung, which, like all dung, has good microbes and bad microbes, and the good ones defend against the exterminator-invaders. Good to know. Reuters via Hartford Courant
Some People Never Learn: Land developers working on the iconic Stanley Hotel in Estes Park, Colo., reputedly the inspiration to Stephen King for “The Shining,” have announced they need more space and thus will dig up and move the hotel’s 12-gravesite pet cemetery. Fort Collins Coloradoan via USA Today
“Close Enough for Gov’t Work” Comes Alive: The U.S. security contractor USIS, which does $2.45bn worth of background checks for NSA and others (and botched those of Edward Snowden and the Washington Navy Yard shooter), is paid upon completion per file. Full background requires months to sort through. At some point, reported the New York Times, when backlogged files needed "closing," to get paid, USIS merely "flushed" the file, claiming it was closed. Apparently, Snowden and Aaron Alexis both had their files flushed. New York Times
Manuel Rodriguez, an Appreciation: He’s still working at age 80. He’s still trying to be attractive (as you can see by the mugshot). He was charged with shoplifting from Walmart . . . putting the items in his purse . . next to the lipstick he uses to freshen up. Orlando Sentinel
Another accused shoplifter to behold: the “scratch and sniff” bandit, who allegedly heisted some hair from a Beauty Zone store in Sanford, Fla. “Scratch and sniff”? Turns out (on surveillance video) the lady had a habit of first bending down to scratch her leg stubble . . and then testing the aroma of her fingers. WFTV (Orlando)
Yr Editor has recently pointed out the fatuousness of America’s national helium reserve and (srsly) national raisin reserve. The new president of Venezuela, Nicolas Maduro, has a plainer idea. Just nationalize the industry (in this case, a toilet paper factory). BBC News /// Washington Post (raisin reserve)
The Right to Be Boring, in Perspective: Last week, Yr Editor was concerned about the right to doze off being curtailed by technology (i.e., facial recognition software to pause your computer if you look disinterested). Now comes word from the Int’l Symposium on Wearable Computers that a new device might allow a speaker to check on how interested his listener is, in real time, by glimpsing how much of the listener’s brain lights up as his recipient (even a spouse!) is "listening." BBC News
The penalty in Beijing for road rage is, straight to death row--at least if one of the ragers got so mad at being kept out of “his” parking space that he grabbed a baby out of a stroller and end-zone-spiked it. BBC News
Newsrangers: Sandy Pearlman and the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.
Comments
Termites I guess that's better than sh1t for brains. (Ah... that wasn't a thinly veiled jib at Washington D.C.'s occupants.)
Stanley Hotel Do they realize what hell will they release?
USIS I've got an idea what we can flush next, along with the politicians that lined their pockets with that deal.
Manuel Rodriguez Now, which hoosegow do we put himher in so as to not offend hisher sensibilities?
Beijing Road Rage This is sure a lot cheaper than $50,000 a year to guard the ass for the rest of his life. (See if you can extrapolate my opinion on capital punishment from that!)
Stanley Hotel Do they realize what hell will they release?
USIS I've got an idea what we can flush next, along with the politicians that lined their pockets with that deal.
Manuel Rodriguez Now, which hoosegow do we put himher in so as to not offend hisher sensibilities?
Beijing Road Rage This is sure a lot cheaper than $50,000 a year to guard the ass for the rest of his life. (See if you can extrapolate my opinion on capital punishment from that!)
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 10/01/13 at 10:40 AM
poop barrier- Thank God that does not work for humans, imagine the smell!
pet cemetery- NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! :ahhh: :ahhh: :ahhh:
flushed files- What are the chances that both of those guys were randomly missed?
shoplifter- He looks like Mrs.Garrison on South Park. :lol:
scratch and sniff- What is running down her leg from where??
National TP factory- Good thing that is not the case here or we'd be wiping with corn cobs for who knows how long now!
attention monitor- The divorce rate would sky rocket!!!
baby killer- Well he won't be sitting around filing appeals for 20 years will he.
pet cemetery- NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! :ahhh: :ahhh: :ahhh:
flushed files- What are the chances that both of those guys were randomly missed?
shoplifter- He looks like Mrs.Garrison on South Park. :lol:
scratch and sniff- What is running down her leg from where??
National TP factory- Good thing that is not the case here or we'd be wiping with corn cobs for who knows how long now!
attention monitor- The divorce rate would sky rocket!!!
baby killer- Well he won't be sitting around filing appeals for 20 years will he.
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 10/01/13 at 11:59 AM
They're moving graves? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lI94HbLEzh0
Back in the day, the FBI did those background checks, and since they also kept the files (they also did the NSA's job!), a lot of redundant records were NOT created.
Here in Virginia there is a run on toilet paper (and bread and milk) every time the weatherman says "snow".
That wearable computer would absolutely kill church attendance around here.
An older woman is cruising a crowded parking lot her new Mercedes-Benz looking in vain for a parking space. She finally sees someone loaded with packages heading for a car, so she follows him, puts on her blinker and waits patiently until he pulls out.
Just as he pulls out a young man in a sleek black Porsche zips in to the space ahead of her. Dumbfounded and outraged, she jumps out of her car, shouting, “How could you do that? Didn’t you see me waiting there with my signal on?”
To which he replies, “That’s what happens when you’re young and fast.”
As the young man is about to enter the store he hears the hideous crunch of metal striking metal. He runs back, horrified, to see that the woman has gunned her Mercedes and smashed it into his beautiful black Porsche.
He cries, “How could you do that?”
To which she replies, “That’s what happens when you’re old and rich!”
Back in the day, the FBI did those background checks, and since they also kept the files (they also did the NSA's job!), a lot of redundant records were NOT created.
Here in Virginia there is a run on toilet paper (and bread and milk) every time the weatherman says "snow".
That wearable computer would absolutely kill church attendance around here.
An older woman is cruising a crowded parking lot her new Mercedes-Benz looking in vain for a parking space. She finally sees someone loaded with packages heading for a car, so she follows him, puts on her blinker and waits patiently until he pulls out.
Just as he pulls out a young man in a sleek black Porsche zips in to the space ahead of her. Dumbfounded and outraged, she jumps out of her car, shouting, “How could you do that? Didn’t you see me waiting there with my signal on?”
To which he replies, “That’s what happens when you’re young and fast.”
As the young man is about to enter the store he hears the hideous crunch of metal striking metal. He runs back, horrified, to see that the woman has gunned her Mercedes and smashed it into his beautiful black Porsche.
He cries, “How could you do that?”
To which she replies, “That’s what happens when you’re old and rich!”
Posted by tadchem on 10/01/13 at 04:48 PM
Regarding the national helium reserve, my SIWOTI* contract requires I point out that it isn't fatuous at all, as helium really does have enormous strategic importance. What was fatuous was selling the contents off at way below market price. Helium isn't just for party balloons; in fact, this is a very minor use of it. It's used in all sorts of applications, a great many of them having military importance and thus the reserve is quite literally strategic. It was originally created to hoard the biggest global supply of helium to fill airships; today, a more strategically important use would be hoarding helium for pressurizing rocket & spacecraft fuel and oxidizer tanks. Without helium, you have to use nitrogen instead, which is less inert and considerably heavier. It is also vital to semiconductor manufacture and MRI machines.
*c.f. XKCD #386 "Duty Calls"
*c.f. XKCD #386 "Duty Calls"
Posted by Calli Arcale on 10/04/13 at 12:21 PM
Um, no. We don't need a reserve of 11 billion cubic feet of helium to pressurize rocket fuel tanks and manufacture strategic semiconductors. Some government websites are shut down right now, but if you keep googling you can still find some information....
Posted by Cougar Allen on 10/06/13 at 10:45 PM
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