News of the Weird 2.0 (October 7, 2013)

News of the Weird 2.0
Angst, Confusion, Cynicism, Ridicule

Prime Cuts of Underreported News from Last Week, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
October 7, 2013
(datelines September 24-October 5) (links correct as of October 6)

Taunting the Eighth Amendment: San Diego Superior Court judge Patricia Cookson sentenced Danne Desbrow to 53 yrs in prison for murder . . and then brought out cake from her chambers to serve while she officiated at the marriage of Desbrow and his girlfriend. KOVR-TV (Sacramento)

Yr Editor is pretty sure they’re trying too hard, but here goes. Science writer John Bohannon of Cambridge, Mass., posited that (1) Ph.D dissertations are boring, (2) Some are important enough to deserve a wider audience, and (3) Thus, doctoral candidates should compete internationally to artistically express their dissertations in “Dance Your Ph.D.” One entrant, Sarah Wilk, produced “Odd-Z Transactinide Compound Nucleus Reactions Including the Discovery of Bh [that’s Bh with superscript 260 in front of it].” Wall Street Journal

Fine Point of the Law; A school in Virginia Beach can discipline kids if they shoot each other with “airsoft” guns . . not only before school starts . . but before they’ve even left home to go to the bus stop. And by “discipline,” I mean suspended for the rest of the school year until June. WAVY-TV (Portsmouth, Va.)

Update: Hundreds, maybe thousands, of Iraqi civilians have died in Baghdad because police have relied on the ADE-651 dowsing rod-cum-bomb-detector, sold at fantastic profit by a Brit who was sent to jail for fraud. Trouble is, though, Iraqi commanders (1) don’t understand this science-y thing and (2) anyway are so corrupt that they keep using the ADE-651s, allowing continuing, periodic IED street massacres, because there's not enough kickback swag in buying trained dogs. The Independent (London)

A genetic testing company in California was awarded a patent for a computer program that lets parents figure out, by running probabilities through all the known variables, how to design their “perfect” baby (but of course hopes no parent will ever use it for that because that would freak people out). OpposingViews.com

Parents, and ultimately the principal, told Mesa, Ariz., cop Scott Urkov they were glad he was in full uniform (with gun) when he dropped his daughter off in the morning because it helped make the kids feel safer. Wait. No, they didn’t. They complained about it because, I guess, everybody knows that guns are icky. (Bonus: One squeamish parent was quoted as acknowledging that, generously, she “thinks” that it’s Urkov’s “right” to “wear that [gun] in public.”) KSAZ-TV (Phoenix)

Walter Dixon has to go back to prison in Joliet, Ill. They had mistakenly released him after misreading his paperwork, even though Dixon tried to help them. (How do they reward helpful inmates in Illinois: “STFU!”) That was in December 2012. They finally got around to knocking on his door last week, and he went quietly, even though he’ll have to drop out of those service/repair classes he was taking. (They knew where to find him because, as a “free” man, Dixon still made all of his parole appointments.) Chicago Sun-Times

Sounds Like a Joke: (1) Some people say they’ll do anything to avoid going back to lockup, but, still . . thinking you’ve got a chance fleeing by paddle boat? (2) Looks Like a Joke: Franco Scaramuzza samaritaned it up in a Nashville shopping center parking lot when he came across two muggers mugging a pair of muggees. Franco is a fencing coach (like “En garde!” fencing, not “how to install a gate” fencing). He grabbed his fencing “sword,” assumed the position, and charged at the perps, screaming incomprehensible fencing slurs. Basically, the perps thought WTF, dropped the loot, and ran away. Problem solved. Detroit Free Press /// WSMV-TV (Nashville) via KIDK-TV (Idaho Falls)

Can’t Possibly Be True: Three men from Philadelphia, dining at 6:30 a.m. at an Atlanta restaurant, were robbed by two other customers, who made off with two iPhones, a gold chain, and two Rolex watches valued at $32,000 combined. (Money Fact: It was a Waffle House.) Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Chinese hornets (Vespa mandarinia) aren’t like ours. The human death toll is 19 so far. And here’s a turbo-extreme closeup of what the little darlings look like. CNN

“Tree of Life”: It’s placenta, placed on acid-free paper. “With a little advance planning,” wrote Time, “parents can have a lifelong memento of their child’s birth (aside from the child, of course).” Time magazine

Suspicions Confirmed: When Danish couples have sex, they care a lot less than Americans do about whether it’s with the person who walked in the door with them that night. Daily Telegraph (London)

Your Weekly Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . . until the mug shot is released]

Frank Harrison, 46, Lawrence, Mass., either got what he deserved or was unluckily way-way in the wrong place at the wrong time and thus took a beating in place of the real attempted rapist. Boston Globe [mug shot underneath video]

Either Gregory Clark is guilty of several misdemeanors related to urinating in front of diners on the patio of Hot Head Burritos, or, you accept his explanation. (Update: Never mind. His explanation was that he intended to “get high, get a buzz, and play with myself.”) Dayton Daily News

Newsrangers: Thanks to the News of the Weird Senior Advisors (Jenny T. Beatty, Paul Di Filippo, Ginger Katz, Joe Littrell, Matt Mirapaul, Paul Music, Karl Olson, and Jim Sweeney) and Board of Editorial Advisors (Tom Barker, Paul Blumstein, Harry Farkas, Sam Gaines, Herb Jue, Emory Kimbrough, Scott Langill, Bob McCabe, Steve Miller, Christopher Nalty, Mark Neunder, Sandy Pearlman, Bob Pert, Larry Ellis Reed, Peter Smagorinsky, Rob Snyder, Stephen Taylor, Bruce Townley, and Jerry Whittle).