News of the Weird / Pro Edition (April 12, 2010)
News of the Weird/Pro Edition
"You're Still Not Cynical Enough"
Exceptionally Inexplicable Dispatches from Last Week
April 12, 2010
(datelines April 3-April 10) (links correct as of April 12)
Offshore Teaching Assistants, Plus Lady Trepan, Heidi's Excellent Brain Scoop, and Fresh Air in Oklahoma
Latest outsourced work that you didn't think could be outsourced: grading papers in Bangalore for a college professor in Houston. The Chronicle of Higher Education
The Daily Mail profiled the British countess who is pushing to legalize drugs (and who has been a practicing trepaner for over 40 years [ed.: She drilled a hole in her head to increase oxygen intake, and therefore creativity], and who talked the Count into it, too). Daily Mail
A parable for our times: David DeVore gave up an Actual Job (real estate) to become an Internet Nothing (making six figures by marketing his David After Dentist YouTube video of his 7-yr-old son [also David] in a goofy daze after a drug-aided tooth removal) (Bonus: $20 T-shirts and other D.A.D. memorabilia are selling in 20 countries). Washington Post
The district attorney in a podunk Wisconsin county formally warned the school board that he'd arrest teachers who follow the state-authorized sex-ed curriculum–because they are contributing to the delinquency of minors. Milwaukee Journal Sentinel
Intellectually-challenged TV actress Heidi Montag bragged that she has had 10 cosmetic surgeries, including a "back scoop"–something which, when queried, she admitted that she never really knew what it was. [ed.: The procedure's not that bad, but still– . . ..] San Francisco Chronicle /// TheStir.CafeMom.com/ [a surgeon explains]
Fine Points of the Law: Canadian judge John Douglas, rendering a decision: "If [the defendant] was charged with being a colossal asshole, I would find him guilty. Of assault causing bodily harm, I find him not guilty." Canadian Broadcasting Corp. News
People With Issues
Veteran softball player George Black, who plays the "hot corner," lost a fly ball in the sun [Bonus: a line drive!] and took it in the eye. He is suing the owner of the field for not keeping the sun out of his eyes. Globe and Mail (Toronto)
An unnamed man was arrested in Singapore as his plane landed, but his threats to bring down the aircraft using "mind power" will probably get him committed rather than jailed. On the other hand, hospitalization is not in the works for Deepak Chopra, despite his Twittering an apology to his 179,000 followers for causing the Baja California earthquake by meditating too hard. "Sorry about that," "Won't do it again–promise." Australian Broadcasting Corp. News /// AOL News
The landlord and a tenant in Fort Walton Beach, Fla., have been on what the landlord calls "bad terms" lately. A sheriff's deputy said the landlord went too far . . by climbing on the roof, waiting, and then dumping a bucket of water on the tenant as he came out the door. Northwest Florida Daily News
Strange World
Warehouse workers for Denmark's Carlsberg beer went on strike . . after the company ended the tradition of providing up to 3 beers each per shift to make the day go faster. Reuters via The Province (Vancouver)
God's Will: A 24-year-old Muslim woman was killed at a go-cart track in Port Stephens, Australia, when her burqa (the full-body robe) got caught in the car's wheels and strangled her. Daily Mail (London)
A local council in Cardiff, Wales, created a self-contained "bike lane" that looks about 6-feet long, but as is predictable, the council has a perfectly earnest explanation of why they did it. Daily Telegraph [photo]
The latest world-class spin from the PR office in Pyongyang has K.Jay (the Great Leader, the Great General) now a world fashion plate, since the global elite are now supposedly rushing to wear those blue-gray tunics of his. Agence France-Presse via Herald Sun (Melbourne)
They found a new species of monitor lizard on Luzon in the Philippines, up to 6-feet long and (unlike the Komodos) a vegetarian (Bonus: and whose penis has two heads). National Geographic News
Some UK prisons report that they engage in the trendy "retoxification" of former drug addicts who have been dry while locked up. When they're about to be released, officials feed them methadone on the theory that no matter how cured they are, they'll hit the needle right away on the outside, and retoxifying them beforehand will help prevent overdoses. (Tories sigh and await next month's elections.) Daily Telegraph
The universal torture music: U.S. Marines needing to keep up the pressure on the Taliban in Marjah have turned to blasting Metallica and Thin Lizzy at them, 24/7 [ed.: and this is supposed to make the locals respect us?]. Agence France-Presse via Yahoo News
The Pervo-American Community
A 27-year-old man told Oklahoma City police he was sexually assaulted in a misunderstanding with the perp, who thought the victim was looking for sex, but the victim said he only wanted to smell the guy's farts. The Oklahoman /// The Smoking Gun [explicit police report]
Tilden Lester, 50, an incest-chat-room regular, was arrested when he tried to set up sex with a man's (i.e., undercover cop's) two young daughters. (Bonus clue for cop: Lester's screen name is DrPeddelDfile.) Seattle Times
Your Weekly Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . . until the mug shot is released]
(1) Brian Darchangelo, Canandaigua, N.Y. (charged with DUI with kids in the car). (2) William Ferris, Cincinnati, Ohio (complained to police that he paid a hooker $50 but only got a blowjob). (3) Keith Hone, 41, Indianapolis (charged with beating up his wife and older daughter because his younger daughter had just had her lip pierced). (4) Presumed Smarmy: Dustin Winesberry, Boulder, Colo. (a registered sex offender who's still at it, including trying to seduce you gals with his mug shot). Democrat and Chronicle (Rochester) /// The Smoking Gun /// WISH-TV (Indianapolis) /// Daily Camera (Boulder)
More Things To Worry About
A man named Malcolm Brenner, of Punta Gorda, Fla., wrote a book, self-published it (50 copies), and now has issued a cry for help. The book's about his 1970s physical and romantic fling . . . with a dolphin ("bonds that are so strong we don't understand how they work"). WBBH-TV (Fort Myers)
Addiction: Harry Jackson pleaded guilty to a brief escape from Camden County (Ga.) jail and got a 10- to 18-year tack-on to whatever he was originally in for. The escape was necessary because he needed a cigarette, causing him to go over the wall, break into a convenience store, and get caught sneaking back in. Florida Times-Union
The 81-year old great-grandmother's Bucket List, apparently, contains "At last, demand child support from the man who knocked me up in 1950," which would be Urban Joseph Grass, now 82. Houston Chronicle
Embarrassing: The guy swiped the money jar from the kid collecting dollars and coins for liver disease research, from a table in front of a Wal-Mart, but the kid's uncle chased the guy, overpowered him, and sat on him until police arrived. (Bonus: The uncle is wheelchair-bound.) WTSP-TV (St. Petersburg) [video, in that a reporter was on the scene, interviewing the kid when the jar was snatched]
They might as well not have a Registered Sex Offender list in Washington state . . if officials are going to send a 6-year-old girl to live with her RSO grandfather for 10 years (and now she's suing the state for those 10 years of his abusing her). ABC News
There are many ways to get yourself a beatdown. If you're bald, you could get Philip Levine to create artwork for your dome, like this guy. Toronto Star
Illinois real estate agent George Michael's property-tax case hits the fan next month, when the state said it will send him a bill for $225,000 for fraudulently claiming that his lakefront house is a church. He made NOTW in August [M124, 8-23-2009] when they caught him submitting a photo showing the house with a cross–not a cross on the building, it turns out, but on the photo, made with a marker pen. ABC News
California Assemblyman Dave Jones of Sacramento introduced a health care reform bill to regulate . . pet insurance (Bonus: Can't deny coverage for pre-existing conditions!). KXTV (Sacramento)
And For Further Review . . .
Here are on-the-scene photos of a fire in Hampton, N.H., last Thursday from the Manchester Union Leader. The photo on the right shows the man whose house was burning down, and, right behind him, also watching the fire, a man in a full gorilla suit. Union Leader
Editor's Notes
I'm tinkering yet again with Pro Edition. Basically the same. Some different section titles. More entries, shorter. (Less writing means less wear-and-tear on my alarmingly weakening brain.) (I also have some Syndicate issues.) To see what I'm thinking about, remember to go to my Blogspot page starting tomorrow.
Yes, I saw the story of the two women arrested at Liverpool airport for trying to move their dead relative to Germany, Weekend at Bernie's-style, but on closer reading, I see that the ladies' story is plausible. He may have died after they set out for the airport, and the dark glasses were to hide an eye condition that provokes people to stare at him. Who knows? The Guardian
Newsrangers: Geoff Egan, Greg Willette, Sandy Pearlman, Christopher Thompson, Matthew Fisher, Wes Jones, Douglas Boyle, Pierre Langenegger, Tom Slivan, and Muiris Dore, and the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors
"You're Still Not Cynical Enough"
Exceptionally Inexplicable Dispatches from Last Week
April 12, 2010
(datelines April 3-April 10) (links correct as of April 12)
Offshore Teaching Assistants, Plus Lady Trepan, Heidi's Excellent Brain Scoop, and Fresh Air in Oklahoma
Latest outsourced work that you didn't think could be outsourced: grading papers in Bangalore for a college professor in Houston. The Chronicle of Higher Education
The Daily Mail profiled the British countess who is pushing to legalize drugs (and who has been a practicing trepaner for over 40 years [ed.: She drilled a hole in her head to increase oxygen intake, and therefore creativity], and who talked the Count into it, too). Daily Mail
A parable for our times: David DeVore gave up an Actual Job (real estate) to become an Internet Nothing (making six figures by marketing his David After Dentist YouTube video of his 7-yr-old son [also David] in a goofy daze after a drug-aided tooth removal) (Bonus: $20 T-shirts and other D.A.D. memorabilia are selling in 20 countries). Washington Post
The district attorney in a podunk Wisconsin county formally warned the school board that he'd arrest teachers who follow the state-authorized sex-ed curriculum–because they are contributing to the delinquency of minors. Milwaukee Journal Sentinel
Intellectually-challenged TV actress Heidi Montag bragged that she has had 10 cosmetic surgeries, including a "back scoop"–something which, when queried, she admitted that she never really knew what it was. [ed.: The procedure's not that bad, but still– . . ..] San Francisco Chronicle /// TheStir.CafeMom.com/ [a surgeon explains]
Fine Points of the Law: Canadian judge John Douglas, rendering a decision: "If [the defendant] was charged with being a colossal asshole, I would find him guilty. Of assault causing bodily harm, I find him not guilty." Canadian Broadcasting Corp. News
People With Issues
Veteran softball player George Black, who plays the "hot corner," lost a fly ball in the sun [Bonus: a line drive!] and took it in the eye. He is suing the owner of the field for not keeping the sun out of his eyes. Globe and Mail (Toronto)
An unnamed man was arrested in Singapore as his plane landed, but his threats to bring down the aircraft using "mind power" will probably get him committed rather than jailed. On the other hand, hospitalization is not in the works for Deepak Chopra, despite his Twittering an apology to his 179,000 followers for causing the Baja California earthquake by meditating too hard. "Sorry about that," "Won't do it again–promise." Australian Broadcasting Corp. News /// AOL News
The landlord and a tenant in Fort Walton Beach, Fla., have been on what the landlord calls "bad terms" lately. A sheriff's deputy said the landlord went too far . . by climbing on the roof, waiting, and then dumping a bucket of water on the tenant as he came out the door. Northwest Florida Daily News
Strange World
Warehouse workers for Denmark's Carlsberg beer went on strike . . after the company ended the tradition of providing up to 3 beers each per shift to make the day go faster. Reuters via The Province (Vancouver)
God's Will: A 24-year-old Muslim woman was killed at a go-cart track in Port Stephens, Australia, when her burqa (the full-body robe) got caught in the car's wheels and strangled her. Daily Mail (London)
A local council in Cardiff, Wales, created a self-contained "bike lane" that looks about 6-feet long, but as is predictable, the council has a perfectly earnest explanation of why they did it. Daily Telegraph [photo]
The latest world-class spin from the PR office in Pyongyang has K.Jay (the Great Leader, the Great General) now a world fashion plate, since the global elite are now supposedly rushing to wear those blue-gray tunics of his. Agence France-Presse via Herald Sun (Melbourne)
They found a new species of monitor lizard on Luzon in the Philippines, up to 6-feet long and (unlike the Komodos) a vegetarian (Bonus: and whose penis has two heads). National Geographic News
Some UK prisons report that they engage in the trendy "retoxification" of former drug addicts who have been dry while locked up. When they're about to be released, officials feed them methadone on the theory that no matter how cured they are, they'll hit the needle right away on the outside, and retoxifying them beforehand will help prevent overdoses. (Tories sigh and await next month's elections.) Daily Telegraph
The universal torture music: U.S. Marines needing to keep up the pressure on the Taliban in Marjah have turned to blasting Metallica and Thin Lizzy at them, 24/7 [ed.: and this is supposed to make the locals respect us?]. Agence France-Presse via Yahoo News
The Pervo-American Community
A 27-year-old man told Oklahoma City police he was sexually assaulted in a misunderstanding with the perp, who thought the victim was looking for sex, but the victim said he only wanted to smell the guy's farts. The Oklahoman /// The Smoking Gun [explicit police report]
Tilden Lester, 50, an incest-chat-room regular, was arrested when he tried to set up sex with a man's (i.e., undercover cop's) two young daughters. (Bonus clue for cop: Lester's screen name is DrPeddelDfile.) Seattle Times
Your Weekly Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . . until the mug shot is released]
(1) Brian Darchangelo, Canandaigua, N.Y. (charged with DUI with kids in the car). (2) William Ferris, Cincinnati, Ohio (complained to police that he paid a hooker $50 but only got a blowjob). (3) Keith Hone, 41, Indianapolis (charged with beating up his wife and older daughter because his younger daughter had just had her lip pierced). (4) Presumed Smarmy: Dustin Winesberry, Boulder, Colo. (a registered sex offender who's still at it, including trying to seduce you gals with his mug shot). Democrat and Chronicle (Rochester) /// The Smoking Gun /// WISH-TV (Indianapolis) /// Daily Camera (Boulder)
More Things To Worry About
A man named Malcolm Brenner, of Punta Gorda, Fla., wrote a book, self-published it (50 copies), and now has issued a cry for help. The book's about his 1970s physical and romantic fling . . . with a dolphin ("bonds that are so strong we don't understand how they work"). WBBH-TV (Fort Myers)
Addiction: Harry Jackson pleaded guilty to a brief escape from Camden County (Ga.) jail and got a 10- to 18-year tack-on to whatever he was originally in for. The escape was necessary because he needed a cigarette, causing him to go over the wall, break into a convenience store, and get caught sneaking back in. Florida Times-Union
The 81-year old great-grandmother's Bucket List, apparently, contains "At last, demand child support from the man who knocked me up in 1950," which would be Urban Joseph Grass, now 82. Houston Chronicle
Embarrassing: The guy swiped the money jar from the kid collecting dollars and coins for liver disease research, from a table in front of a Wal-Mart, but the kid's uncle chased the guy, overpowered him, and sat on him until police arrived. (Bonus: The uncle is wheelchair-bound.) WTSP-TV (St. Petersburg) [video, in that a reporter was on the scene, interviewing the kid when the jar was snatched]
They might as well not have a Registered Sex Offender list in Washington state . . if officials are going to send a 6-year-old girl to live with her RSO grandfather for 10 years (and now she's suing the state for those 10 years of his abusing her). ABC News
There are many ways to get yourself a beatdown. If you're bald, you could get Philip Levine to create artwork for your dome, like this guy. Toronto Star
Illinois real estate agent George Michael's property-tax case hits the fan next month, when the state said it will send him a bill for $225,000 for fraudulently claiming that his lakefront house is a church. He made NOTW in August [M124, 8-23-2009] when they caught him submitting a photo showing the house with a cross–not a cross on the building, it turns out, but on the photo, made with a marker pen. ABC News
California Assemblyman Dave Jones of Sacramento introduced a health care reform bill to regulate . . pet insurance (Bonus: Can't deny coverage for pre-existing conditions!). KXTV (Sacramento)
And For Further Review . . .
Here are on-the-scene photos of a fire in Hampton, N.H., last Thursday from the Manchester Union Leader. The photo on the right shows the man whose house was burning down, and, right behind him, also watching the fire, a man in a full gorilla suit. Union Leader
Editor's Notes
I'm tinkering yet again with Pro Edition. Basically the same. Some different section titles. More entries, shorter. (Less writing means less wear-and-tear on my alarmingly weakening brain.) (I also have some Syndicate issues.) To see what I'm thinking about, remember to go to my Blogspot page starting tomorrow.
Yes, I saw the story of the two women arrested at Liverpool airport for trying to move their dead relative to Germany, Weekend at Bernie's-style, but on closer reading, I see that the ladies' story is plausible. He may have died after they set out for the airport, and the dark glasses were to hide an eye condition that provokes people to stare at him. Who knows? The Guardian
Newsrangers: Geoff Egan, Greg Willette, Sandy Pearlman, Christopher Thompson, Matthew Fisher, Wes Jones, Douglas Boyle, Pierre Langenegger, Tom Slivan, and Muiris Dore, and the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors
Comments
White Castle: in jail with a mouth like that, he's going to be involved in all the blow jobs he can handle. Just not how he was hoping.
Posted by TheCannyScot in Atlanta, GA on 04/12/10 at 10:55 AM
Jury Duty Guilty, Guilty of being Stupid, Guilty, and Kinda handsome, but still guilty.
Posted by Freddie Freelance on 04/12/10 at 05:56 PM
college- greed pure and simple. the prof should be able to deal with his students. less classes per prof its too expensive to not get the education.
trepaner- she needs drugs like she needs another hole in her head!
district attorney- he is required to uphold the law not bully people qbiding by it when he disagrees. recall this ass.
broken nose- he would have been hit with assult if he wasn't a pro sports figure.
softball- this guy should be banned from all softball or baseball leagues.
earthquake- twittering twit!
beer- NO WORK RELATED INJURIES IN 27 SECONDS OOPS IN 0 SECONDS
bike lane- all i can say is over here its $200 toilet seats and hammers.(military)
lizard-HE HAS A WHAT?!?!?
retox inmates- that is a sad and criminal thing to do.
loud music- they have used that here in the u.s. in stand off situations as well.
farts- it has a sexual connotation for him, its a fetish.
jury duty- guilty/freaky guilty/scary guilty/somebody smack that smile off his face!
dolphin- first sheep, then cows and horses, now dolphins! where's peta when animals are being raped on land and sea?!
i'd run a mile and serve 10 years for a camel!
sparkly head- reminds me of ancient egyptian head dresses.
davy jones wants pet insurance?
fire- somebody sure monkeyed around in the guy's house. looks like gorilla warfare to me. if my house was on fire i'd go ape sh!t.
trepaner- she needs drugs like she needs another hole in her head!
district attorney- he is required to uphold the law not bully people qbiding by it when he disagrees. recall this ass.
broken nose- he would have been hit with assult if he wasn't a pro sports figure.
softball- this guy should be banned from all softball or baseball leagues.
earthquake- twittering twit!
beer- NO WORK RELATED INJURIES IN 27 SECONDS OOPS IN 0 SECONDS
bike lane- all i can say is over here its $200 toilet seats and hammers.(military)
lizard-HE HAS A WHAT?!?!?
retox inmates- that is a sad and criminal thing to do.
loud music- they have used that here in the u.s. in stand off situations as well.
farts- it has a sexual connotation for him, its a fetish.
jury duty- guilty/freaky guilty/scary guilty/somebody smack that smile off his face!
dolphin- first sheep, then cows and horses, now dolphins! where's peta when animals are being raped on land and sea?!
i'd run a mile and serve 10 years for a camel!
sparkly head- reminds me of ancient egyptian head dresses.
davy jones wants pet insurance?
fire- somebody sure monkeyed around in the guy's house. looks like gorilla warfare to me. if my house was on fire i'd go ape sh!t.
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 04/12/10 at 10:52 PM
fuzzfoot play it for your grandpa for another opinion.
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 04/13/10 at 10:21 AM
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