News of the Weird / Pro Edition (January 11)

Heroin for Dummies, Plus Cop Milks Woman, the Coke Machine Wrangler, and a Bag of Teeth

News of the Weird/Pro Edition
"You're Still Not Cynical Enough"
January 11, 2010
(datelines January 2-9)

New York City has taken an unequivocal position against smoking cigarettes (and has even banned trans fats in restaurants). Heroin, not so much. Its Department of Health's 16-page pamphlet actually suggests ways to find a vein and recommends the "safer" way if you miss the vein slightly (pull out and try again!). (But, there are various admonitions in the booklet urging junkies to just say no, so . . problem solved!) New York Post /// "Take Charge, Take Care" [pdf]

Australian Olympic hurdler Jana Rawlinson has made the ultimate sacrifice for her country. To improve her speed for the 2012 games in London, she had her breast implants removed. Agence France-Presse: She "said she enjoyed having larger breasts but did not want to 'short-change Australia.'" Agence France-Presse via Yahoo News

Leading Economic Indicator: In Tokyo, the equivalent of $640 will let you rent a nice-sized piece of real estate: 32½ square feet (even worse, 130 cubic feet). Seriously. It's an "apartment" house of lie-down lockers with thin mattresses, tiny TV sets, flimsy walls, and bathroom and kitchen down the hall (free wi-fi, though). For Japan's unemployed who need convenient downtown access to job interviews, it's big. New York Times [with slideshow]

The War Will Be Over Sooner Than You Think: In Afghanistan's Kunduz province on Tuesday night, 14 terrorists riding to their target were killed when their bombs blew up prematurely. And in Karachi, Pakistan, on Friday, an explosion at a terrorist "safe house" killed 8 terrorists. [Ed.: So, if we assume there are 10,000 super-rabid jihadi terrorists in the Afghan-Pakistan theater, at this rate, they'll have completely wiped themselves out by December 2014.] CNN /// Associated Press via Voice of America

More People Who Can't Connect Dots: After several years of bits and pieces of accusations, some by patients' parents, some by colleagues (one openly calling Dr. Earl Bradley a pedophile), pediatrician Bradley, 56, of Lewes, Del., was finally charged with sexually assaulting patients. According to a probable-cause affidavit, when one 12-year-old girl went in with a sore throat and pink eye, he didn't take her temperature, nor a urine sample, nor a throat culture—just gave her a vaginal exam. New York Times
People Different From Us

Unclear on the Concept: Donald Koranek, 80, was yanked out of the courthouse security line in Tampa because he had a pocket knife. Guards made him take it back to his car. He returned and tried to walk through the machine again. Beep! He had taken his knife back to the car but thought the handgun in his waistband was still OK. St. Petersburg Times

Not Lovin' It: First, Melodi Dushane, 24, went nuts at a McD's in Toledo, Ohio, because she wanted early-morning Chicken McNuggets. (No can do; everybody knows that!) She punched an employee in the mouth and knocked out the drive-thru window. And police in Kansas City, Mo., are still looking for the woman who went nuts because her McD's burger wasn't tasty enough (threw a water dispenser, pushed cash registers off the counter). WNWO-TV (Toledo) /// Kansas City Star

Never Overestimate Fraternity Boys: Even Yalies are basically primal. Filmmaker Richard Mosse created a short piece (Fraternity) consisting of solo shots of Delta Kappa Epsilon's finest yelling into the camera for the reward of a keg and bragging rights for the loudest and longest scream. ("The triumphant, longest lasting bro screams as if giving birth, his face turning beet-red, and sweat [tears?] beading down his cheeks. Snuff-film associations abound, as well as a discomfiting sense of visual assault.") (Bonus: Five U.S. Presidents were DKEs.) IvyGateBlog.com [with video]

Recurring Themes: (1) People still smoke while siphoning gasoline. (2) Parents still stick their babies out in front of them when they're about to be Tasered. (3) Men still celebrate New Year's by firing into the air, and the bullets still come down (in Decatur, Ga., girl, 4, dead; in Florida, boy, 6, hit in chest). KOMO-TV (Seattle) /// WOFL-TV (Orlando) /// Atlanta Journal-Constitution /// Miami Herald

Angst, Confusion, Crisis

World's Clumsiest Hypnotist: Helmut Kichmeier, who works with Britain's Circus of Horrors, was practicing in front of a mirror and accidentally put himself under. His wife called Kichmeier's mentor, Ray Roberts, who un-tranced him. Daily Telegraph /// Circus of Horrors

The Subtleties of Government Regulation: (1) Ten days after Umar The Nigerian almost took down the airliner over Detroit, the State Department announced it was revoking his visa. (2) Eight days after Minneapolis's historic Fjelde House was demolished as a fire hazard by the city's Regulatory Services Division, the Minneapolis Heritage Preservation Commission extended the site "interim protection." Associated Press via Detroit News /// Star Tribune

The District of Calamity: (1) Safety inspectors were examining the tracks at a station on Washington, D.C.,'s Metrorail, but one operator didn't get the memo. His train barreled right at them at full speed, forcing a Three Stooges-like dive for cover. (2) In 2006 D.C. Fire Department ambulance driver Selena Walker was fired for (in all likelihood) causing the death of a beating victim by taking the long way around to the hospital. Last week, D.C.'s local appeals court reinstated her, with $156,000 in back pay, because the Department, basically, failed to say "May I?" (They can only fire within a 90-day window and missed, largely because of Walker's own stonewalling of the investigation.) Washington Post /// Washington Post

Also Known as the Rosie O'Donnell Countermove: Research in the latest issue of Biology Letters shows that female frogs and toads prevent rape with their ability to puff themselves up to gargantuan size so that aggressor males lose their grip and fall off before inseminating the eggs. (Bonus story element: "toad necrophilia"!) Agence France-Presse via Sydney Morning Herald

Below The Fold

Bag of Teeth Links Man to Seattle-Area Dental Burglaries Seattle Times

Iowa Man Spells Out Wife's Birthday Message in Manure WRSP-TV (Springfield, Ill.)

Midwest City Man Uses Buttocks to Smash Ex's 72-inch TV, Oklahoma City Police Say Daily Oklahoman [mug shot!]

Denver Pot Dispensaries: 390; Colorado Starbucks: 208 KMGH-TV (Denver)

Eyewitness News

People hard up for money have surely considered a Coke machine's coin box, but Nicholas Nunley did it the hard way, dragging the whole thing off with his truck, sparks flying WRCB-TV (Chattanooga, Tenn.) via WBBH-TV (Fort Myers, Fla.) [with video from police chase]

Someone With a Worse Sex Life Than You

Jared Walker, 22, is the man Portland, Ore., prosecutors believe has been riding municipal buses cutting locks from unsuspecting females. He has one sex-crime conviction as well as an arrest for hair-gluing. The Oregonian

Need your sexual schadenfreude a little more explicit? A man (name not disclosed) was released from Britain's Southampton General Hospital after the local fire department was summoned to cut the steel pipe off of his penis. Took about a half-hour, using a 4½-inch grinder. Didn't ask, didn't tell. Daily Telegraph

Your Weekly Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . . until the mug shot is released]


Donald Kruger, 35, has been charged with murdering his childhood friend in Billings, Mont. He might be genuinely insane, with Exhibit A being his hairstyle ("Mullet 2.0") Billings Gazette

Guilty? Keith Luke might possibly have assaulted his jailhouse-visiting psychiatrist, whom Luke's lawyer brought in to assist in Luke's defense. Complicated. That's why we have mugshots. Boston Herald

More Things To Worry About

Orlando cop Brandon Loverde, 31, working off-duty in uniform at a nightclub, was arrested after he escorted an unruly young woman out to the parking lot, then put on a blue latex glove and allegedly squeezed one of her lactating breasts. Said the police report, "Officer Loverde told her he wanted to 'Suck on them.'" Orlando Sentinel

All Men Do It: Mark Zachary, 51, of Orangeburg, S.C., nabbed by store security with a huge slab of shoplifted meat under his coat, denied he was "stealing" it, insisting instead that he was "massaging" it. Associated Press via WSPA-TV (Spartanburg)

St. Louis Cardinals' minor leaguer Tyler Bighames, already facing a drug-test suspension, was arrested for DUI in Fort Myers, Fla., with blood-alcohol readings of .234 and .223, both figures being higher than his batting average last season (.216). Naples Daily News

And For Further Review . . .

Behold (especially you fraternity boys!) a selection of sex education videos going around the Internet last week: Giant tortoises mating. Another turtle coupling, with male in especially who's-your-daddy mode. A walrus auto-fellating (Seriously). [Links from BoingBoing.net and DangerousMinds.net] Tortoises /// Turtles /// Walrus

Newsrangers: Gary Davidson, Don Tyler, Sandy Pearlman, Cindy Hildebrand, Margaret Musgrove, John Connell, Rahima Schwenkbeck, and Doug Dollemore, and the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors
     Posted By: Chuck - Mon Jan 11, 2010
     Category:





Comments
Jana Rawlinson Knowing Aussies penchant for hooters I'd suggest that Ms Rawlison's nationality be tested!

Tokyo Apartments New TV reality show coming next fall, Refrigerator Boxes of the Down and Out.

The War Will Be Over I know a quicker way..... :evilgrin:
Damnit! We need more smileys!

McD's Henceforth and forever more should be called McDumbass's.

Toads and Frogs I hope the fact that this story originating with Agence France-Presse isn't missed by anyone.

Jury Duty
Dude A: Not guilty; he's nuts! Doctors who turned him loose however are!
Dude B: Clinically insane but let's nuke'em anyhow.

All Men Do It Did he pass the "Hairy Palm" test?

Walrus Girls, you know if we ever figure out how to do this you're obsolete! Well, we'll still let you cook and clean, ok?
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 01/11/10 at 10:26 AM
Breast implants: whatever size were they that just strapping them down wouldn't cut it? OTOH, she's the "double 400m champion." I suppose a pair of 400m's would kinda get in the way.
Jury Duty: I agree with Expat. From the front, Kruger reminds me of Ralph Fiennes playing You-Know-Who. I recommend leaving him alone with the idiots who kept letting him out.
Luke: So you're a famous shrink. What kind of nitwit Jewish doctor sits down for a one-on-one with a guy who has a swastika carved in his forehead?
Posted by TheCannyScot in Atlanta, GA on 01/11/10 at 01:22 PM
olympic implants- dedicated isn't she?

tokyo- 'in the closet' doesn't mean the same thing there! no wonder they all commit suicide, it gets them a bigger place.

premature detonation- that's what got akmed, just ask jeff dunham

pedo dr- hang 'em high! (use a nail gun)

old guy- hey, they said put the KNIFE in the car!

mcd- just the walmart crowd getting a snack.

scream- frat boys are idiot and always have been idiots. i suspect they will always be idiots, at least this time they didn't kill anybody.

toads- first plausible explanation i've heard for women gaining weight after marriage. 😉

dentist burglar- see there, keeping souveniers came back to bite him in the ass!

happy birthday- that's just a little too country even for me!

tv- man, you'd have to be a real ass to do that!

pot vs coffee- totally different markets. on is an upper the other relaxes you.

cut off pipe- learn from the walrus dude.

jury duty1- nuts i agree docs are responsible for letting him out repeatedly

jury duty2- guilty i have read keith ablow's books and they are quite good. sounds like he would be safer to concentrate on being an author.

off duty- 'cop puts squeeze on partying momma' 'policeman milking his second job'

ball player- well now we know what he's better at.

walrus- i bet all you guys wish you had that talent! :lol:

turtle- at least this one isn't humping a shoe!

tortise- voice is just a little deeper.
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 01/11/10 at 02:16 PM
I can't condone the behaviour of the woman that couldn't get her McNuggets, but I wouldn't be surprised if I took the side of the sandwich rampager if I only knew the rest of the story.
If they offered a replacement, that was an admission of McDonald's guilt in my book. And I can understand not wanting a replacement. Was there a hair in the sandwich? A condom? A McMouse tail? What? Interesting McDonald's can't (or won't) provide the nature of the complaint. Probably because they know they were wrong, had an employee on a powertrip and they don't want the public siding with the rampager.
There's really no reason that a refund couldn't be issued (good god, how much were we even talking about?) and I've known more than a few McDonald's employees that could drive someone to that point. So many McDonald's employees are victims of the franchise themselves and don't deserve any trouble, but for everyone of those, there's an employee that's uses their position to go on daily powertrips, insult customers, not listen to their problems (problems the employees brought on the customers by delivering a shoddy product of their own laziness and apathy) and basically be rude.
I hope the few bucks the store saved by refusing the refund was worth the damage and disruption. I hope that woman remains free to deliver more justice.
Posted by qualityleashdog on 01/11/10 at 05:35 PM
I get the gags easily when confronted with disgusting things. I know that if I got something nasty enough, they COULD NOT replace my product with anything other than cash. I was once served a bowl of chicken livers at KFC (they kind of molded into a large mass that took the shape of the bowl, instead of remaining individual livers, should have been my first clue), and I was picking at the outsides. I got to the center, and it was oozing blood. Their first offer was to replace the bowl. Then they tried to give me a party platter that was 3-4 times the value of the livers, but I held firm to wanting my cash. They didn't give it to me, so I left with nothing and donated the bowl to the local Health Department.
And I can tell you something else: McDonald's has no policy of no cash refund. I've got plenty of them. I also shop at a lot of chains, and it the ease in obtaining cash refunds at a location in a more affluent, less ethnically diverse neighborhood is very evident compared to downtown, impoverished areas with greater ethnic diversity.
Store owners are much more suspicious of people trying to get refunds in such areas, it sound like she may have been in one such location. I guarantee you she could have had a refund with no problem if she was in a white suburb. It's sort of like the same insinuation CVS was accused of when they got caught keeping "African-American" hair care items behind lock and key, while leaving the "white" items on the shelf.
She should sue for discrimination if charges are brought.
Posted by qualityleashdog on 01/13/10 at 06:03 PM
Commenting is not available in this channel entry.