News of the Weird / Pro Edition (May 31, 2010)
News of the Weird/Pro Edition
"You're Still Not Cynical Enough"
Prime Cuts of Underreported News from Last Week, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
May 31, 2010
(datelines May 22-May 29) (links correct as of May 31)
Comprehensive Immigrationists, Plus Spit Power, Fast Eddy, and Lord Google
★ ★ ★ ★ ★!
Principle! Massachusetts state Rep. Mike Moran–one of those enlightened people who would give border-jumpers like Isaias Naranjo a leg up toward U.S. citizenship over those idiotic goofball Mexicans who actually, y'know, filled out the paperwork at U.S. consulates and patiently waited to enter the U.S. legally–says his views haven't changed on that even after Señor Naranjo, DUI and doing 60 mph, accidentally rammed into him (and even though, when questioned by police, Sr. Naranjo just laughed and said, "I plan to go back to my country, Mexico. Nothing is going to happen to me, man."). WHDH-TV (Boston)
Principle (II)! Mexico's Foreign Ministry declared that Arizona's new law (requiring citizenship status-checks of arrestees) "violates inalienable human rights" (a point echoed by Presidente Calderón during his recent trip to Washington). Turns out that Mexico has almost precisely the same law on the books for its own, mostly Honduran, immigrants. According to some of them, Mexico doesn't rely on deportation but rather on beatings, then theft by police of immigrants' money and property, then prison. USA Today
Sounds Like a Joke: Juries' perhaps-primary duty is to assess the credibility of witnesses. Drew McAdams was kicked off a jury in Scotland's Livingston Sheriff Court because he's likely too good at it. Citizens of ordinary ignorance are preferred for juries, and not "professional lie detectors" like McAdams, who is a former Army intelligence officer who made a name for himself on TV reading human body language. That's apparently TMI. Scottish Daily Record
A Hard Rain's a-Gonna Fall–But Not on France: The European Community is in considerably worse shape financially than even the U.S. Community–yet French workers went on strike last week over the issue of preserving their retirement age . . at 60. Associated Press via USA Today
Pakistan and India are vying for conspiracy capital of the world. Zaid Hamid, the Pakistani Glenn Beck, is just one of many spreading word that the U.S. is behind every single bad thing that has befallen the country (e.g., America planted that Times Square bomber, to embarrass Pakistan). But then in the Indian state of Punjab, an official captured a pigeon with strange markings, which he said were obvious indications that the pigeon was sent on a spy mission by Pakistan. (Bonus: The pigeon is being held incomunicado in, like, the Punjabi Gitmo.) New York Times /// Agence France-Presse via New York Post
In the first decade of the 21st century, your house, job growth, and 401(k) have pretty much tanked. However, over the first decade of the 21st century, a guy named Eddy Curry will make $72 million, no strings attached. Eddy's a pro basketball player, but not a very good one, and he's got a heart condition, anyway, and his coaches don't much want him around. (Bonus: He's still closing in on being bankrupt!) Associated Press via NBC Sports /// Sports.Yahoo.com
Losers
Anthony Gonzales, 20, aka the only man in Pueblo, Colo., with the name of his gang ("East Side") tattooed on his upper lip, really needs a full-face balaclava if he sets out on a life of crime because he will be ID'd. Pueblo Chieftain
"If Google told you to jump off a cliff, would you?" asked a Fortune.com columnist, describing Lauren Rosenberg's lawsuit over whose fault it was that she was hit by a car. She asked Google Maps for a walking route in Park City, Utah, and the result, on her Blackberry, included one stretch of state Route 224 that has no sidewalk. (It has a shoulder, but she felt the right to walk on the road.) Fortune /// Scribd.com [lawsuit]
Michael Lessard, 25, with revenge on his mind and a shotgun in his hands, broke into the home of a former friend–but he didn't count on the former friend's secret weapon: the guy's mom. Mom and son beat the crap out of Michael, as you can see. Orlando Sentinel
Pedro Guzman, 21, warned the woman, "[G]et your grandma [to shut up] or I will put her on the floor." She didn't, and he did–a sucker punch that broke granny's jaw. "People got to learn not to mouth off to people they don't know," he explained later. Pedro . . will now be serving 25 years for that one punch. The Pitch Weekly (Kansas City)
Rodney Newsome's seven-month-old scam on Virginia authorities had given him a new lease on life, erasing his then-current criminal woes. Oblivious (supposedly), Newsome's lawyer had convinced prosecutors that his client had, sadly, passed away at age 37. However, Rodney, thus then in the clear, couldn't leave it alone. He activated another start-up: a check-theft scam on a bank in the same area, which tipped off an alert court clerk that Rodney had miraculously returned from the dead! Washington Post
The proper remedy for dinner's not being on the table when Guy Jones wants it: Guy set fire to his basement. Associated Press via WSAZ-TV (Charleston, W.Va.) [mugshot!]
Strange World
A Reading University (England) scientist said he's the first human ever "infected with a computer virus." [ed.: pause while you, as they say, wrap your head around that] If the computer chip you're implanted with itself has a virus, then the control-room door you pass through using the implanted chip then acquires that virus, and the next person to enter with a chip thus acquires the virus in his own chip when he passes through that door. Whew! Who knew? BBC News
The beams on the well-known Howrah bridge in Kolkata, India, are becoming seriously eroded because so many commuters hock out their gutkha as they cross. The Telegraph (Calcutta) /// Wikipedia (gutkha)
The leadership of Ireland's Parliament has ruled that, based on a 1947 precedent that they can't seem to ignore, it's not a punishable offense for one MP to yell "F--- you" to another. (Mitigating circumstance: MP Paul Gogarty of the Green Party, the offender, did, bless his heart, precede his two "F--- you"'s by saying, "With all due respect . . ..") Sky News (London)
A group of three dozen side squeezes of various Italian Catholic priests wrote a joint letter to the Vatican imploring il Papa to get rid of that celibacy thing. The Guardian (London)
Free clothes in Indonesia: The vice/virtue cops in Aceh province have been given 20,000 loose swaddling skirts to hand out if they encounter fly Muslim women in form-fitting threads. Agence France-Presse via Google News
That's Messed Up
Oregon National Guardsman Gary Pfleider II wears a (permanent) brace on his leg, courtesy of an Iraqi sniper in 2007. But apparently in all the trauma of being shot, and bloody, and air-lifted out of the line of fire, Pfleider neglected to pause to take a formal inventory of his battlefield-issued supplies, and the government is now garnishing his benefits and tax refunds for $3,150 worth of stuff. KOMO-TV (Seattle)
The Nye County, Nev., sheriff's office's chief media spokesman, Det. David Boruchowitz, announced to the press the arrest of a man charged with burglary and assault. That man was . . Det. David Boruchowitz. The chief investigator on the case, Boruchowitz told reporters, was . . Det. David Boruchowitz. Associated Press via Google News
Anne-Marie Gray filed a lawsuit in New Britain, Conn., against ESPN for illegally firing her over her medical condition, which is Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Gray was an original 1980 ESPN employee and a true-blue company gal for 30 years. She was so dedicated to her job that when IBS struck (often, at a moment's notice), she'd unload in plastic bags in an out-of-the-way conference room, but when she slipped up, the bosses got all huffy and somehow must've thought "IBS" was off-message. Williamson Daily News (Clinton, Conn.)
LAPD is looking for Mr. Eduardo Ibarra Perez. He's wanted for murder, and is "considered armed and dangerous." He's also considered "moobed," and the ever-respectful LAPD doesn't want to embarrass him, as you can see from the mugshot. LAPDOnline [via Fark.com]
Americans' kindness to animals extends only to companions, lab animals, and zoos. Livestock? It's generally OK to stab them with pitchforks, beat them with crowbars, cut their beaks with hot blades, lynch them with log chains from a front-end loader. If you break any of the few rules there are against cruelty to livestock, it's usually a misdemeanor. Slate.com
If a man asks his daughter for a photo of his four-month-old granddaughter, and the daughter works at the [Steve Irwin] Australia Zoo, this is the photo that arrives. Townsville Bulletin
N'yawkers are the hardiest, street-smartest, toughest SOB's in the country . . . except for these 51 bus drivers, who needed an average of 64 days' paid time off after reporting that riders had spit on them. New York Times
An "ugly secret of global poverty," revealed the New York Times's peripatetic moral conscience, Nick Kristof: "f the poorest families spent as much money educating their children [and buying mosquito nets to stop the spread of malaria] as they do on wine, cigarettes, and prostitutes, their children's prospects would be transformed." New York Times
The Pervo Community
Good to Know: Expert witnesses testifying at an Australian medical board de-licensing hearing went on record assuring women that there are "no acupuncture points in the vagina." Dr. Grant Woo was wrong about that and can no longer practice medicine. Herald Sun (Melbourne)
The 24-year-old man who had sex with the 14-year-old girl said it was her fault, that she kept coming onto him. Ho-hum. Come on, man, how stupid do you think we– . . . wait . . . the cops actually believe him. They pixellated out his face in the mug shot because he, not she, is the victim of a sex crime. He's certified-mentally-challenged, and she's just a trollop-in-training who freely admits that she got naked and teased him over and over until he caved in. WTSP-TV (St. Petersburg)
Your Weekly Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . . until the mug shot is released]
How 'bout it? Is Colin Belle a serial sexually annoying bar customer . . or is Colin Belle so damn good looking and sexy that women just can't stay away from him? Northern Territory News (Darwin, Australia)
And come on! Is this the face of a man who just about axed up his landlord? City Pages (Minneapolis-St.Paul)
A few prime cuts from The Smoking Gun's weekly collection: Accused of obstructing law enforcement (and of having bad hair) /// Accused of assault (and really bad hair) /// Accused of disorderly conduct (but possibly acquittable under the "witch" exception to the law)
Updates & Recurring Themes
The American Academy of Pediatrics came to its senses and rescinded the policy recommendation it made three weeks ago [NOTW/Pro, 5-10-2010]: It is no longer OK to recommend genital "nicking" to third-world parents who are bent on totally de-clitorizing their young daughters. New York Times
More Poor Multitaskers: Four teenagers were hospitalized in Wheatland, N.Y., when their driver lost (won?) the game of who-can-hold-his-breath-the-longest. He passed out and smashed into a tree. Another poor multi-ta–wait a minute, this is a championship multitasker! Amanda McBride, 29, gave birth while driving to the hospital. The baby's daddy was with her . . but he couldn't drive because he suffers seizures. WHEC-TV (Rochester) /// Bemidji (Minn.) Pioneer
According to shrinks, a "hoarder" is different from someone "living in squalor." The hoarder irrationally overvalues "things," but a person living in squalor is basically a lazy slug. Last week, a mid-70s couple, Jesse and Thelma Gaston of Chicago, were rescued, both in critical condition, from their house where they had fallen two weeks earlier and become trapped underneath breathtaking mounds of junk. The diagnosis given by the director of the hoarding study project at Boston University: The Gastons are indeed hoarders . . and lazy slugs. Chicago Breaking News /// Daily Mail (London) [better photos]
John Mark Karr is the guy who famously, falsely, confessed to murdering little JonBenet Ramsey, in 2006, 10 years after her death, and since has run through a series of romances with JonBenet-like youngsters, the latest with Samantha Spiegel, who was 9 when she came to his attention. She's 19 now and has just gotten a restraining order against Karr, who is currently known as "Alexis Reich" in preparation for his gender-reassignment surgery, which Spiegel says was Karr's idea only to make it easier for him to get close to younger and younger girls. Atlanta Journal-Constitution
And for Further Review . . .
The Internet's worst parents last week were the Rizals of Banyuasin, Indonesia, whose lax supervision of two-year-old Ardi has allowed him to acquire a two-pack-a-day cigarette habit. Seriously. Said Mom: "If he doesn't get cigarettes, he gets angry and screams and batters his head against the wall." Said Dad: "He looks pretty healthy to me. I don't see the problem." (One problem is that Ardi will only smoke one particular brand, which sets the folks back the equivalent of $5.50 a day, which in Indonesia ain't a mere bag of shells.) (In fact, WWNKT--What Would Nick Kristof Think? Daily Mail (London) [with photos galore of Ardi puffing away!]
Newsrangers: Bob Pert, Douglas Boyle, Perry Levin, Joshua Smith, Jenny Aus, Larry Seltzer, Sandy Pearlman, George Elyjiw, Carl McGlone, Gerald Sacks, and Colleen Cheney, and the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors
"You're Still Not Cynical Enough"
Prime Cuts of Underreported News from Last Week, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
May 31, 2010
(datelines May 22-May 29) (links correct as of May 31)
Comprehensive Immigrationists, Plus Spit Power, Fast Eddy, and Lord Google
★ ★ ★ ★ ★!
Principle! Massachusetts state Rep. Mike Moran–one of those enlightened people who would give border-jumpers like Isaias Naranjo a leg up toward U.S. citizenship over those idiotic goofball Mexicans who actually, y'know, filled out the paperwork at U.S. consulates and patiently waited to enter the U.S. legally–says his views haven't changed on that even after Señor Naranjo, DUI and doing 60 mph, accidentally rammed into him (and even though, when questioned by police, Sr. Naranjo just laughed and said, "I plan to go back to my country, Mexico. Nothing is going to happen to me, man."). WHDH-TV (Boston)
Principle (II)! Mexico's Foreign Ministry declared that Arizona's new law (requiring citizenship status-checks of arrestees) "violates inalienable human rights" (a point echoed by Presidente Calderón during his recent trip to Washington). Turns out that Mexico has almost precisely the same law on the books for its own, mostly Honduran, immigrants. According to some of them, Mexico doesn't rely on deportation but rather on beatings, then theft by police of immigrants' money and property, then prison. USA Today
Sounds Like a Joke: Juries' perhaps-primary duty is to assess the credibility of witnesses. Drew McAdams was kicked off a jury in Scotland's Livingston Sheriff Court because he's likely too good at it. Citizens of ordinary ignorance are preferred for juries, and not "professional lie detectors" like McAdams, who is a former Army intelligence officer who made a name for himself on TV reading human body language. That's apparently TMI. Scottish Daily Record
A Hard Rain's a-Gonna Fall–But Not on France: The European Community is in considerably worse shape financially than even the U.S. Community–yet French workers went on strike last week over the issue of preserving their retirement age . . at 60. Associated Press via USA Today
Pakistan and India are vying for conspiracy capital of the world. Zaid Hamid, the Pakistani Glenn Beck, is just one of many spreading word that the U.S. is behind every single bad thing that has befallen the country (e.g., America planted that Times Square bomber, to embarrass Pakistan). But then in the Indian state of Punjab, an official captured a pigeon with strange markings, which he said were obvious indications that the pigeon was sent on a spy mission by Pakistan. (Bonus: The pigeon is being held incomunicado in, like, the Punjabi Gitmo.) New York Times /// Agence France-Presse via New York Post
In the first decade of the 21st century, your house, job growth, and 401(k) have pretty much tanked. However, over the first decade of the 21st century, a guy named Eddy Curry will make $72 million, no strings attached. Eddy's a pro basketball player, but not a very good one, and he's got a heart condition, anyway, and his coaches don't much want him around. (Bonus: He's still closing in on being bankrupt!) Associated Press via NBC Sports /// Sports.Yahoo.com
Losers
Anthony Gonzales, 20, aka the only man in Pueblo, Colo., with the name of his gang ("East Side") tattooed on his upper lip, really needs a full-face balaclava if he sets out on a life of crime because he will be ID'd. Pueblo Chieftain
"If Google told you to jump off a cliff, would you?" asked a Fortune.com columnist, describing Lauren Rosenberg's lawsuit over whose fault it was that she was hit by a car. She asked Google Maps for a walking route in Park City, Utah, and the result, on her Blackberry, included one stretch of state Route 224 that has no sidewalk. (It has a shoulder, but she felt the right to walk on the road.) Fortune /// Scribd.com [lawsuit]
Michael Lessard, 25, with revenge on his mind and a shotgun in his hands, broke into the home of a former friend–but he didn't count on the former friend's secret weapon: the guy's mom. Mom and son beat the crap out of Michael, as you can see. Orlando Sentinel
Pedro Guzman, 21, warned the woman, "[G]et your grandma [to shut up] or I will put her on the floor." She didn't, and he did–a sucker punch that broke granny's jaw. "People got to learn not to mouth off to people they don't know," he explained later. Pedro . . will now be serving 25 years for that one punch. The Pitch Weekly (Kansas City)
Rodney Newsome's seven-month-old scam on Virginia authorities had given him a new lease on life, erasing his then-current criminal woes. Oblivious (supposedly), Newsome's lawyer had convinced prosecutors that his client had, sadly, passed away at age 37. However, Rodney, thus then in the clear, couldn't leave it alone. He activated another start-up: a check-theft scam on a bank in the same area, which tipped off an alert court clerk that Rodney had miraculously returned from the dead! Washington Post
The proper remedy for dinner's not being on the table when Guy Jones wants it: Guy set fire to his basement. Associated Press via WSAZ-TV (Charleston, W.Va.) [mugshot!]
Strange World
A Reading University (England) scientist said he's the first human ever "infected with a computer virus." [ed.: pause while you, as they say, wrap your head around that] If the computer chip you're implanted with itself has a virus, then the control-room door you pass through using the implanted chip then acquires that virus, and the next person to enter with a chip thus acquires the virus in his own chip when he passes through that door. Whew! Who knew? BBC News
The beams on the well-known Howrah bridge in Kolkata, India, are becoming seriously eroded because so many commuters hock out their gutkha as they cross. The Telegraph (Calcutta) /// Wikipedia (gutkha)
The leadership of Ireland's Parliament has ruled that, based on a 1947 precedent that they can't seem to ignore, it's not a punishable offense for one MP to yell "F--- you" to another. (Mitigating circumstance: MP Paul Gogarty of the Green Party, the offender, did, bless his heart, precede his two "F--- you"'s by saying, "With all due respect . . ..") Sky News (London)
A group of three dozen side squeezes of various Italian Catholic priests wrote a joint letter to the Vatican imploring il Papa to get rid of that celibacy thing. The Guardian (London)
Free clothes in Indonesia: The vice/virtue cops in Aceh province have been given 20,000 loose swaddling skirts to hand out if they encounter fly Muslim women in form-fitting threads. Agence France-Presse via Google News
That's Messed Up
Oregon National Guardsman Gary Pfleider II wears a (permanent) brace on his leg, courtesy of an Iraqi sniper in 2007. But apparently in all the trauma of being shot, and bloody, and air-lifted out of the line of fire, Pfleider neglected to pause to take a formal inventory of his battlefield-issued supplies, and the government is now garnishing his benefits and tax refunds for $3,150 worth of stuff. KOMO-TV (Seattle)
The Nye County, Nev., sheriff's office's chief media spokesman, Det. David Boruchowitz, announced to the press the arrest of a man charged with burglary and assault. That man was . . Det. David Boruchowitz. The chief investigator on the case, Boruchowitz told reporters, was . . Det. David Boruchowitz. Associated Press via Google News
Anne-Marie Gray filed a lawsuit in New Britain, Conn., against ESPN for illegally firing her over her medical condition, which is Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Gray was an original 1980 ESPN employee and a true-blue company gal for 30 years. She was so dedicated to her job that when IBS struck (often, at a moment's notice), she'd unload in plastic bags in an out-of-the-way conference room, but when she slipped up, the bosses got all huffy and somehow must've thought "IBS" was off-message. Williamson Daily News (Clinton, Conn.)
LAPD is looking for Mr. Eduardo Ibarra Perez. He's wanted for murder, and is "considered armed and dangerous." He's also considered "moobed," and the ever-respectful LAPD doesn't want to embarrass him, as you can see from the mugshot. LAPDOnline [via Fark.com]
Americans' kindness to animals extends only to companions, lab animals, and zoos. Livestock? It's generally OK to stab them with pitchforks, beat them with crowbars, cut their beaks with hot blades, lynch them with log chains from a front-end loader. If you break any of the few rules there are against cruelty to livestock, it's usually a misdemeanor. Slate.com
If a man asks his daughter for a photo of his four-month-old granddaughter, and the daughter works at the [Steve Irwin] Australia Zoo, this is the photo that arrives. Townsville Bulletin
N'yawkers are the hardiest, street-smartest, toughest SOB's in the country . . . except for these 51 bus drivers, who needed an average of 64 days' paid time off after reporting that riders had spit on them. New York Times
An "ugly secret of global poverty," revealed the New York Times's peripatetic moral conscience, Nick Kristof: "f the poorest families spent as much money educating their children [and buying mosquito nets to stop the spread of malaria] as they do on wine, cigarettes, and prostitutes, their children's prospects would be transformed." New York Times
The Pervo Community
Good to Know: Expert witnesses testifying at an Australian medical board de-licensing hearing went on record assuring women that there are "no acupuncture points in the vagina." Dr. Grant Woo was wrong about that and can no longer practice medicine. Herald Sun (Melbourne)
The 24-year-old man who had sex with the 14-year-old girl said it was her fault, that she kept coming onto him. Ho-hum. Come on, man, how stupid do you think we– . . . wait . . . the cops actually believe him. They pixellated out his face in the mug shot because he, not she, is the victim of a sex crime. He's certified-mentally-challenged, and she's just a trollop-in-training who freely admits that she got naked and teased him over and over until he caved in. WTSP-TV (St. Petersburg)
Your Weekly Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . . until the mug shot is released]
How 'bout it? Is Colin Belle a serial sexually annoying bar customer . . or is Colin Belle so damn good looking and sexy that women just can't stay away from him? Northern Territory News (Darwin, Australia)
And come on! Is this the face of a man who just about axed up his landlord? City Pages (Minneapolis-St.Paul)
A few prime cuts from The Smoking Gun's weekly collection: Accused of obstructing law enforcement (and of having bad hair) /// Accused of assault (and really bad hair) /// Accused of disorderly conduct (but possibly acquittable under the "witch" exception to the law)
Updates & Recurring Themes
The American Academy of Pediatrics came to its senses and rescinded the policy recommendation it made three weeks ago [NOTW/Pro, 5-10-2010]: It is no longer OK to recommend genital "nicking" to third-world parents who are bent on totally de-clitorizing their young daughters. New York Times
More Poor Multitaskers: Four teenagers were hospitalized in Wheatland, N.Y., when their driver lost (won?) the game of who-can-hold-his-breath-the-longest. He passed out and smashed into a tree. Another poor multi-ta–wait a minute, this is a championship multitasker! Amanda McBride, 29, gave birth while driving to the hospital. The baby's daddy was with her . . but he couldn't drive because he suffers seizures. WHEC-TV (Rochester) /// Bemidji (Minn.) Pioneer
According to shrinks, a "hoarder" is different from someone "living in squalor." The hoarder irrationally overvalues "things," but a person living in squalor is basically a lazy slug. Last week, a mid-70s couple, Jesse and Thelma Gaston of Chicago, were rescued, both in critical condition, from their house where they had fallen two weeks earlier and become trapped underneath breathtaking mounds of junk. The diagnosis given by the director of the hoarding study project at Boston University: The Gastons are indeed hoarders . . and lazy slugs. Chicago Breaking News /// Daily Mail (London) [better photos]
John Mark Karr is the guy who famously, falsely, confessed to murdering little JonBenet Ramsey, in 2006, 10 years after her death, and since has run through a series of romances with JonBenet-like youngsters, the latest with Samantha Spiegel, who was 9 when she came to his attention. She's 19 now and has just gotten a restraining order against Karr, who is currently known as "Alexis Reich" in preparation for his gender-reassignment surgery, which Spiegel says was Karr's idea only to make it easier for him to get close to younger and younger girls. Atlanta Journal-Constitution
And for Further Review . . .
The Internet's worst parents last week were the Rizals of Banyuasin, Indonesia, whose lax supervision of two-year-old Ardi has allowed him to acquire a two-pack-a-day cigarette habit. Seriously. Said Mom: "If he doesn't get cigarettes, he gets angry and screams and batters his head against the wall." Said Dad: "He looks pretty healthy to me. I don't see the problem." (One problem is that Ardi will only smoke one particular brand, which sets the folks back the equivalent of $5.50 a day, which in Indonesia ain't a mere bag of shells.) (In fact, WWNKT--What Would Nick Kristof Think? Daily Mail (London) [with photos galore of Ardi puffing away!]
Newsrangers: Bob Pert, Douglas Boyle, Perry Levin, Joshua Smith, Jenny Aus, Larry Seltzer, Sandy Pearlman, George Elyjiw, Carl McGlone, Gerald Sacks, and Colleen Cheney, and the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors
Comments
Principle (II) I couldn't confirm the following but the source that sent it to me is pretty trustworthy. So... add your own grain of salt if necessary.
How about this for Immigration Laws:
1. There will be no special bilingual programs in the schools.
2. All ballots will be in this nation's language.
3.. All government business will be conducted in our language.
4. Non-residents will NOT have the right to vote no matter how long they are here.
5. Non-citizens will NEVER be able to hold political office.
6. Foreigners will not be a burden to the taxpayers. No welfare, no food stamps, no health care, or other government assistance programs. Any burden will be deported.
7. Foreigners can invest in this country, but it must be an amount at least equal to 40,000 times the daily minimum wage.
8. If foreigners come here and buy land, options will be restricted. Certain parcels including waterfront property are reserved for citizens naturally born into this country.
9. Foreigners may have no protests; no demonstrations, no waving of a foreign flag, no political organizing, no bad-mouthing our president or his policies. These will lead to deportation.
10. If you do come to this country illegally, you will be actively hunted and, when caught, sent to jail until your deportation can be arranged. All assets will be taken from you.
The above laws are the current immigration laws of MEXICO!
How about this for Immigration Laws:
1. There will be no special bilingual programs in the schools.
2. All ballots will be in this nation's language.
3.. All government business will be conducted in our language.
4. Non-residents will NOT have the right to vote no matter how long they are here.
5. Non-citizens will NEVER be able to hold political office.
6. Foreigners will not be a burden to the taxpayers. No welfare, no food stamps, no health care, or other government assistance programs. Any burden will be deported.
7. Foreigners can invest in this country, but it must be an amount at least equal to 40,000 times the daily minimum wage.
8. If foreigners come here and buy land, options will be restricted. Certain parcels including waterfront property are reserved for citizens naturally born into this country.
9. Foreigners may have no protests; no demonstrations, no waving of a foreign flag, no political organizing, no bad-mouthing our president or his policies. These will lead to deportation.
10. If you do come to this country illegally, you will be actively hunted and, when caught, sent to jail until your deportation can be arranged. All assets will be taken from you.
The above laws are the current immigration laws of MEXICO!
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 06/01/10 at 08:46 AM
I'm not done yet!
A Hard Rain No flies on us! How about a government position that pays 3X the monthly national average and does so for 16 months a year? 14 month's pay per annum is standard and 110% pension after 20years is/was not unheard of. Unwed daughters collected their father's pensions after his death even if they never marry. The French have a long way to go to catch up!
Google Cliff Diving Hay! If it's on the internet you <U>KNOW</u> it's 100% true and accurate! Anyhow, haven't we been taught that it's never, ever our fault!?
W.Va. Firestarter I showed this story to the wife and told her to pay attention! She then reminded me that we don't have a basement. 😕 Some days are better than others.
Nye County, Nev. 10 to 1 this is a publicity stunt?
NY Bus Drivers Yo! Jean Luc prêtez-vous l'attention?
Dr. Grant Woo Why did the expression Needle D1ck pop into my head?
A Hard Rain No flies on us! How about a government position that pays 3X the monthly national average and does so for 16 months a year? 14 month's pay per annum is standard and 110% pension after 20years is/was not unheard of. Unwed daughters collected their father's pensions after his death even if they never marry. The French have a long way to go to catch up!
Google Cliff Diving Hay! If it's on the internet you <U>KNOW</u> it's 100% true and accurate! Anyhow, haven't we been taught that it's never, ever our fault!?
W.Va. Firestarter I showed this story to the wife and told her to pay attention! She then reminded me that we don't have a basement. 😕 Some days are better than others.
Nye County, Nev. 10 to 1 this is a publicity stunt?
NY Bus Drivers Yo! Jean Luc prêtez-vous l'attention?
Dr. Grant Woo Why did the expression Needle D1ck pop into my head?
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 06/01/10 at 09:28 AM
Expat, I've seen that list of Mexican stuff, too. Seems fair to me, but then, I'm a LEGAL immigrant...
Guzman the Granny-basher: I'd introduce him to Mrs To (whom I think should be awarded a medal. You go, girl!)
Axman: His attorney suspects he may have some mental issues. Ya reckon?!?
Trollop-in-training: as someone in those comments asked, where were her parents? Given her confession, I'm on his side.
Genital "nicking": I suspect someone offered to nick them. I'll supply the alibi.
Mugshots: Rainbow guy: what were you thinking? Assault: GUILTY - he assaulted my eyeballs with that hair! Witch: even forewarned, ugh! where's the eyebleach?
Alexis Reich: gender reassignment could be done at low cost in the federal pen. Just sayin'.
Doc, please don't let the doorknob hit you.
Guzman the Granny-basher: I'd introduce him to Mrs To (whom I think should be awarded a medal. You go, girl!)
Axman: His attorney suspects he may have some mental issues. Ya reckon?!?
Trollop-in-training: as someone in those comments asked, where were her parents? Given her confession, I'm on his side.
Genital "nicking": I suspect someone offered to nick them. I'll supply the alibi.
Mugshots: Rainbow guy: what were you thinking? Assault: GUILTY - he assaulted my eyeballs with that hair! Witch: even forewarned, ugh! where's the eyebleach?
Alexis Reich: gender reassignment could be done at low cost in the federal pen. Just sayin'.
Doc, please don't let the doorknob hit you.
Posted by TheCannyScot in Atlanta, GA on 06/01/10 at 04:07 PM
principle - Say it with me kids, "the best politicians are the ones who refuse to admit they are wrong!"
sounds like a joke - I wouldn't mind an entire jury made up of these types. I think it would seriously cut down on the amount of BS that goes on in courtrooms (see the lawsuit against Google Maps, for one).
Pakistan and India - it's not paranoia if they are really out to get you.
Eddy Curry - he makes $273,000 per minute, but that barely covers the $650 per month cable TV bill, or the personal chef, or... wait, $650 a month on cable? how is that even possible?
computer virus - now I have another excuse to use when I call in "sick" to work!
celibacy - it's a personal sacrifice that is supposed to bring the priest closer to God. but I think in the long run they'll have to amend the requirement as fewer men are being drawn into the priesthood.
sniper victim - well now we know how much something is worth when someone says it costs an arm and a leg.
IBS - not to say this lady is exaggerating, but I know people with IBS and they have never had to go so badly they just dropped trou where they were at the moment.
Dr. Woo - "you're going to feel a little prick..."
worst parents - I await all the naysayers with baited breath! (sorry patty, couldn't resist)
sounds like a joke - I wouldn't mind an entire jury made up of these types. I think it would seriously cut down on the amount of BS that goes on in courtrooms (see the lawsuit against Google Maps, for one).
Pakistan and India - it's not paranoia if they are really out to get you.
Eddy Curry - he makes $273,000 per minute, but that barely covers the $650 per month cable TV bill, or the personal chef, or... wait, $650 a month on cable? how is that even possible?
computer virus - now I have another excuse to use when I call in "sick" to work!
celibacy - it's a personal sacrifice that is supposed to bring the priest closer to God. but I think in the long run they'll have to amend the requirement as fewer men are being drawn into the priesthood.
sniper victim - well now we know how much something is worth when someone says it costs an arm and a leg.
IBS - not to say this lady is exaggerating, but I know people with IBS and they have never had to go so badly they just dropped trou where they were at the moment.
Dr. Woo - "you're going to feel a little prick..."
worst parents - I await all the naysayers with baited breath! (sorry patty, couldn't resist)
Posted by Nethie on 06/01/10 at 05:25 PM
i love you guys! atleast you are thinking about me.xoxoxo
nethie, as far as celebacy in the catholic church, the church supports its priests, nuns, bishops, cardinals, ect, up to and including the pope. the church also preaches that children are a blessing from god and therefore it is a sin to practice birth control. now, of course, the no birth control thing serves 2 purposes- 1)increasing the number of church members thus also increasing the size and influence of thechurch and 2) increasing the number of congregants increases the amount of tithing to the church. celebacy serves one big purpose- the church would have to support families of church officials it supports. with no birthcontrol that could become very expensive to the church. and if there is one thing the catolic church has learned over so many centuries it is how to hold on to its holdings. the church in rome is the richest church in the world. just historic treasures held by the vatican alone are beyond belief. add to that the fact that the next 65 to 80 yr old guy to be pope won't be anymore likely than the last one to let a bunch of young priests have wives, children, and SEX when he(the old guy) has spent his life unable to have those things, it ain't happening. the pope is still a human male. the church has so much history and it is not all bad, but there are reasons for alot of things done therein that have little to do with religion in the initial decision making process. also now it is all considered sacred just because it has been done for so long. tradition=sacred.
nethie, as far as celebacy in the catholic church, the church supports its priests, nuns, bishops, cardinals, ect, up to and including the pope. the church also preaches that children are a blessing from god and therefore it is a sin to practice birth control. now, of course, the no birth control thing serves 2 purposes- 1)increasing the number of church members thus also increasing the size and influence of thechurch and 2) increasing the number of congregants increases the amount of tithing to the church. celebacy serves one big purpose- the church would have to support families of church officials it supports. with no birthcontrol that could become very expensive to the church. and if there is one thing the catolic church has learned over so many centuries it is how to hold on to its holdings. the church in rome is the richest church in the world. just historic treasures held by the vatican alone are beyond belief. add to that the fact that the next 65 to 80 yr old guy to be pope won't be anymore likely than the last one to let a bunch of young priests have wives, children, and SEX when he(the old guy) has spent his life unable to have those things, it ain't happening. the pope is still a human male. the church has so much history and it is not all bad, but there are reasons for alot of things done therein that have little to do with religion in the initial decision making process. also now it is all considered sacred just because it has been done for so long. tradition=sacred.
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 06/02/10 at 01:29 AM
¿Hay un doctor en la casa?
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 06/02/10 at 08:31 AM
Eddy Curry -
Pays $1,000 a month for cable and I bet he still has bars on 2 and sometimes 7! He must be Delirious!
Pays $1,000 a month for cable and I bet he still has bars on 2 and sometimes 7! He must be Delirious!
Posted by driven2succeed on 06/02/10 at 06:38 PM
perhaps you are not familiar with another americanization that is practiced here. we call it freedom of speech. you are free to disagree, and if you fear that you are too week minded to read differing opinions without being adversely effected then you are free to go elsewhere. What, I wonder, are finnish imigration laws and practices like? or are only u.s. policies open for ridicule here? excuse us for thinking we could have independent opinions in our country about our country.
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 06/02/10 at 07:06 PM
or just horrible mutilation!
thanks for your defense of the site outeast. not everyone should have to agree with one opinion to be heard. and for the record 'being heard' means stating your opinion and reasoning, not lambasting those who's opinions differ as bigots and worse.
exo i thought you liked us too. i suspect, secretly you do as chuck has his own, completely seperate site where you could avoid all of our silly ignorant american attitudes all together.
also comparing the removal of a small piece of skin in a sterile operating room to slicing out the clitorises of little girls, many times, without anesthetic or even clean procedure is a little over the top don't you think? I guess you have never cared for a confused elderly man who no one had been taking care of at home. A man whose foreskin, by way of not being properly cleaned under, grows to the glans and must be surgically removed, leaving the glans damaged and painful. There are, sometimes, reasons for things we do that aren't immediately obvious.
thanks for your defense of the site outeast. not everyone should have to agree with one opinion to be heard. and for the record 'being heard' means stating your opinion and reasoning, not lambasting those who's opinions differ as bigots and worse.
exo i thought you liked us too. i suspect, secretly you do as chuck has his own, completely seperate site where you could avoid all of our silly ignorant american attitudes all together.
also comparing the removal of a small piece of skin in a sterile operating room to slicing out the clitorises of little girls, many times, without anesthetic or even clean procedure is a little over the top don't you think? I guess you have never cared for a confused elderly man who no one had been taking care of at home. A man whose foreskin, by way of not being properly cleaned under, grows to the glans and must be surgically removed, leaving the glans damaged and painful. There are, sometimes, reasons for things we do that aren't immediately obvious.
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 06/03/10 at 08:49 AM
I'm with ex0 on the topic of male circumcision. Since it is clearly elective surgery in all but a very small minority of cases, it should not be performed on anyone not in a position to give informed consent.
Posted by Dumbfounded on 06/03/10 at 10:45 AM
exo, i apologise if i, personally, have made you feel unwelcome or as if you cannot share your opinions here. i also never intended to monopolize the site or use it as my personal instant messenger. i will try to keep personal messages out of my posts as much as possible. all i have ever wanted is for this site to stay up and running. i certainly hope i don't drive people away. i am only critical when someone launches a personal attack on another poster. i, like anyone else, form my opinions from my own experiences that is all i have to use. i didn't realize not being a world traveler made me to stupi to voice an opinion. guess i should stick with jokes.
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 06/03/10 at 08:57 PM
make that 'stupid' in the last line above.
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 06/03/10 at 08:58 PM
"Trying to talk to a Fin about freedom of speech in America is just silly."
From "The Universal Declaration of Human Rights":
Article 19: Everyone has the right to freedom of opinion and expression; this right includes freedom to hold opinions without interference and to seek, receive and impart information and ideas through any media and regardless of frontiers.
http://www.un.org/en/documents/udhr/
Freedom of speech is a universal human right, you betray your own bias when you assume that mentioning it is somehow an Americanism. 😕
From "The Universal Declaration of Human Rights":
Article 19: Everyone has the right to freedom of opinion and expression; this right includes freedom to hold opinions without interference and to seek, receive and impart information and ideas through any media and regardless of frontiers.
http://www.un.org/en/documents/udhr/
Freedom of speech is a universal human right, you betray your own bias when you assume that mentioning it is somehow an Americanism. 😕
Posted by Dumbfounded on 06/04/10 at 10:00 AM
To be fair I think ex0 was probably referring to Finland's own FOS record. Finland is signatory to the European Declaration of Human Rights after all, hence has it's own legal protection for free speech. Of course like many European countries, Finland also outlaws "hate speech", which I would agree with when done through a properly thought out legal framework (i.e. balance of rights), so is in this regard is probably less free in its speech than America. Mind you I can't find any indication that a Finn is not allowed to say they'd like to lynch their president, so in that respect they are more free.
I am not an American and I don't see the comments posted here as particularly americanised, amerigocentric or jingoistic. People stating their opinions are just that, people, with opinions. If anything I feel its the opprobrium hurled at American flag-waving that is biased. Americans have just as much right to point out the hypocrisy of their detractors as people from other countries have to point out the (frequent) hypocrisy of American criticism of theirs.
I am not an American and I don't see the comments posted here as particularly americanised, amerigocentric or jingoistic. People stating their opinions are just that, people, with opinions. If anything I feel its the opprobrium hurled at American flag-waving that is biased. Americans have just as much right to point out the hypocrisy of their detractors as people from other countries have to point out the (frequent) hypocrisy of American criticism of theirs.
Posted by Dumbfounded on 06/04/10 at 11:23 AM
as fare as male circucision is concerned, i wasn't defending it so much as saying that it and clitor-ectomies (is that a word?) are worlds apart. its like saying that declawing a cat(many consider this to be cruel mutilation) is as bad as chopping off one of the cat's legs. or that cutting someone's fingernails back painfully short is as bad as pulling them out with pliers. and considering possible bad outcomes (even if they are anectdotal and less than common) is a valid part of decision making. for instance, the fact that i met the family of a teenager who was profoundly disabled both physically and mentally from the mmr vaccine (a side effect that occurs about 1 out of each million doses administered according to the girl's mother) did not stop me from vaccinating my kids, but you better believe i thought about that girl when my babies got the vaccination. in my estimation there was more benefit in cleanliness and reduction of infections by circucising my boy than any lasting effect from the proceedure. but then i am not a man, but my husband is, and he was also circucised and agreed with having it done on our son. but then that is just one experience and thus also anecdotal i guess. this is me defending my position without calling anyone stupid or uninformed or insulting their home nation. but as a dumb american, that just shows that i am not worldly enough to argue my point effectively.
'
It's the "you can't say that"/"I'm not listening to this" brigade who are the stupid ones. IMHO.'
dumbfounded, you always voice my thoughts better than i do, thaks again sweetie! 💋
mario thanks. also i would never insult the volcano in your pants honey. 😉
'
It's the "you can't say that"/"I'm not listening to this" brigade who are the stupid ones. IMHO.'
dumbfounded, you always voice my thoughts better than i do, thaks again sweetie! 💋
mario thanks. also i would never insult the volcano in your pants honey. 😉
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 06/04/10 at 11:29 AM
"Only ever seen Americans bother using it as an excuse."
"[The Israeli Ambassador] said, 'This is incitement to the murder of Jews.' I said, 'We have freedom of speech. If you don't like it you can go away.'"
http://arts.guardian.co.uk/features/story/0,11710,1128216,00.html
"[The Israeli Ambassador] said, 'This is incitement to the murder of Jews.' I said, 'We have freedom of speech. If you don't like it you can go away.'"
http://arts.guardian.co.uk/features/story/0,11710,1128216,00.html
Posted by Dumbfounded on 06/04/10 at 11:56 AM
Well I was trying to stay out of all this because, for one, I don't think it belongs here on Chuck's post. Course that begs the question where to have this kind of discussion... and I can't think of a better place.
Like patty said, I post here because I want to help keep this site going in the absence of the original authors. I think it's safe to say that everyone who posts here does so for the same reason. But if my posts and comments are causing people to leave, then I'm having the opposite effect and something needs to change.
That said, 90% of my comments are meant to be funny. I'm a smartass, a sarcastic twit (yes, twit, not wit) and I quite often speak/write before I think things through. But I would never try to offend someone deliberately. I hope that in the case where I have written something offensive, people would let me know, either in response to the post, or by sending me a private message here. And especially let me know if I've written something ignorant. I might feel like the lady who walks out of the public bathroom with her skirt tucked into her pantyhose for awhile, but I'd rather know.
Don't be afraid to speak up. For every person who complains, there's several who feel the same way but don't say anything. And we can't fix things if we don't know they are broken.
Like patty said, I post here because I want to help keep this site going in the absence of the original authors. I think it's safe to say that everyone who posts here does so for the same reason. But if my posts and comments are causing people to leave, then I'm having the opposite effect and something needs to change.
That said, 90% of my comments are meant to be funny. I'm a smartass, a sarcastic twit (yes, twit, not wit) and I quite often speak/write before I think things through. But I would never try to offend someone deliberately. I hope that in the case where I have written something offensive, people would let me know, either in response to the post, or by sending me a private message here. And especially let me know if I've written something ignorant. I might feel like the lady who walks out of the public bathroom with her skirt tucked into her pantyhose for awhile, but I'd rather know.
Don't be afraid to speak up. For every person who complains, there's several who feel the same way but don't say anything. And we can't fix things if we don't know they are broken.
Posted by Nethie on 06/04/10 at 12:14 PM
"as fare as male circucision is concerned, i wasn't defending it so much as saying that it and clitor-ectomies (is that a word?) are worlds apart."
Ah, but you neglected the "man-flu" effect whereby a mild head-cold in a man is actually comparable in agony to extended birth pains in a woman. Similarly anything sharp intersecting our "distinguishing feature" become equivalent to the the most Boschian torments even inflicted on women.
Ah, but you neglected the "man-flu" effect whereby a mild head-cold in a man is actually comparable in agony to extended birth pains in a woman. Similarly anything sharp intersecting our "distinguishing feature" become equivalent to the the most Boschian torments even inflicted on women.
Posted by Dumbfounded on 06/04/10 at 12:17 PM
oh yes, sorry honey. i forgot you guys have more nerve(s) and your pain is always more intense! :lol:
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 06/04/10 at 01:01 PM
lol guys :lol:
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 06/04/10 at 04:36 PM
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