News of the Weird / Pro Edition (May 3, 2010)
News of the Weird/Pro Edition
"You're Still Not Cynical Enough"
Exceptionally Inexplicable Dispatches from Last Week
May 3, 2010
(datelines April 24-May 1) (links correct as of May 3)
New Way of Flipping Real Estate, Plus Captain Beany, Scary Sumos, and Hyenas' Right to Privacy
Fine Points of the Law: A county judge in Missoula, Mont., got a free law lecture from Ms. Jackiya Ford, 37, whose problems at least she, personally, appears to have worked out. Ford declined to enter any plea on the various fraud charges–because Montana is not a legal entity (although "Missoula" might be). When a real estate agent showed her a house that she just loved, she tried to file a courthouse claim on it (and on all land in the 20-mile radius). She offered it sell it back to the current occupants for "$900,000" (but only silver or gold, please). She broke in, made herself at home, posted a no-trespassing sign (only exception: those with authorization from "our Lord and Savior Yahushua." (Bonus: She's pregnant.) The Missoulian
The Hudson County (N.Y.) Public Works Commissioner proudly displayed his high-tech, handicaped-accessible water fountain (agreed to in his office's 2003 settlement with the U.S. Justice Department in an Americans with Disabilities Act lawsuit. Trouble is, it's on the second floor, which is reachable from street level only by stairway (or, of course, being lowered by helicopter). (Bonus defense: Yeah, but it has all kinds of bells and whistles for the disabled–just not for the wheelchaired disabled.) Register-Star (Hudson)
In the U.S. Congress, it's "Will the gentleman (gentlewoman) yield?" In the Rada, the parliament of Ukraine, it's a volley of eggs, a smoke bomb, headlocks, glue in the voting machines, and the presiding officer hiding behind a shield of his aides' umbrellas . . because the Russian partisans in the Rada passed a 25-year extension of co-operation with Russia that the Westernists thought was way-unwarranted). How to tell who got the better deal: The legislation passed in the Rada, 236-214, and its companion passed in Russia's parliament, 410-0. Voice of America News
After a purchaser of Gary Null's Ultimate Power Meal got deathly ill, he filed a lawsuit in New York City. (Quackwatch.org says Gary Null is "one of the nation's leading promoters of dubious treatment . . ..") Plaintiff in this lawsuit: Gary Null, who claims kidney damage and major pains and bleeding from his daily regimen of Gary Null's Ultimate Power Meal. (Null is suing his manufacturing partner.) New York Daily News
A team of evangelical explorers from China and Turkey say they're "99.9" percent certain they have found Noah's Ark, over two miles up Mount Ararat in Turkey. [ed.: Let's test: Does the wood yield DNA from the animals? Don't don't fall for it if those explorers claim "Immaculate Defecation."] Agence France-Presse via News.com.au (Sydney)
Sublime: Beside a New York City subway entrance at 96th & Broadway, a street preacher . . preaching from his Kindle. New York Times
Meanwhile, Over on the Left Tail of the Bell Curve . . .
A driver in Fort Walton Beach, Fla., turned an improper-taillight charge into the more serious false-ID charge. We still don't know the perpette's name, but questioning produced several choices: You can call her Coronica Jackson, or Corica Jackson, or Cornaica Jackson, or Coninani Jackson. Northwest Florida Daily News
Kenyana McQuay, 27, and Waltia Funches, 28, were arrested in Boston for putting a beatdown on a man who had the audacity not to hold the elevator door for them. They told police the guy was rude and that they just "had to use their fists, their bags, and their feet [and a dish of pasta] to teach him a lesson." WCVB-TV (Boston)
Floyd Francis, 23, almost knocked off the Space Coast Credit Union in Palm Bay, Fla. An off-duty security guard just happened to be doing some business inside and noticed Francis looking strange, including donning his disguise after he was already inside. (Bonus: It was just a Wal-Mart shopping bag). Our hero retrieved his own 9mm from his car and got the drop on the perp as he was leaving with his stash tucked into his "disguise." Florida Today (Melbourne) [neat video!]
Below The Fold
By judicial determination, Robert Dee could well be the world's worst pro tennis player. London's Daily Telegraph (and a lot of other tennis observers) called him that, and Dee took offense under Britain's libel laws. At the time, he had just won a pro-tour match, after 54 straight losses (each in straight sets). (But then, he beat American Arzhang Serakshani [meaning that right now, Arzhang needs a hug].) The judge's verdict: If you're not the worst, you're close enough; case dismissed. Daily Telegraph [tip: AOL Fanhouse sports]
Your WTF Moment: While David Cameron speaks at last week's debate in Birmingham among the three major candidates in the upcoming British elections, Nick Clegg and Gordon Brown appear to be doing . . dance practice? New York Times
Michael Gold, 59, a New Jersey chiropractor, was charged with fraud. Finally, a chiropractor charged with fraud! (Oh, wait, it's only for illegally billing Medicare.) [ed. The way the law is worded, apparently Medicare is obligated to pay when chiropractors actually do bogus treatments but just not when they bill for them without delivering.] Star-Ledger
Sage Legal Advice (at least for Nebraskans): If you drunk-drive and cause a deadly collision, quick, GTFO and go hide for a few days 'til the booze wears off. (Maximum penalty: 5 years, for leaving the scene.) (Maximum penalty for killing someone while DUI: 50 years.) Omaha World-Herald
Bikini Girls Massage in Perth, Australia, was fined $1,500 (Aus.) for deceptively recruiting employees. (One woman had complained that she had no idea that her customers would be mostly naked and that she would be, too.) Australian Associated Press via News.com.au
Douglas County, Colo., Imitates Texas Justice: Relentless prosecutor Carol Chambers is after that next notch–insisting that Tyler Sanchez go to trial for sexual assault. Contrary evidence: Sanchez looks nothing like the reported perp; his DNA was not found on the crucial piece of evidence (the vic's panties) (Bonus: Two other men's were!); Sanchez, hearing-impaired and mentally-challenged, had to endure a 17-hour interrogation (without lawyer or parent present) and finally signed a canned, 11-sentence "confession." Denver Post
The Pervo-North-American Community
A really bad "double life": On the one hand, a highly-decorated Canadian air force commander (Col. David Russell Williams). On the other (so say the constables): a sexual predator (possibly guilty of two murders, plus kinky sexual assaults) and serial women's underwear thief. New York Times
Your Weekly Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . . until the mug shot is released]
He was arrested for domestic battery and witness-tampering. Tough call. The Smoking Gun
Larry Keith, 59 and who hasn't missed many meals, told the Wichita Eagle last week that he's still upset about being detained by police a year ago for his teensy weensy thong–just because nearly every inch of his generous body is covered with tattoos, and just because he chose to ride his bicycle downtown, to show off his ink. The police said they really only stopped him for peddling his bike too slowly in traffic [ed. an excuse that hangs together, because who wouldn't want Larry to hurry up out of town?]. Wichita Eagle
More Things To Worry About
Things Not to Do: have a billing dispute with the company you hired to clean your dog's poop out of the back yard. If you don't pay their bill, they'll just rescind the contract and return the work already completed. KTVZ-TV (Bend, Ore.)
Another Thing You Probably Haven't Worried Enough About: Dr. Brett Mills of England's University of East Anglia, in a recent journal article, complained that all those wildlife documentary makers are violating animals' "right" to privacy. [ed.: But, seriously, if two zebras are humping somewhere, are you sure it's not zebra exhibitionism?] Science Daily
Updates & Recurring Themes
It's time for more media frenzy about the annual sumo baby-crying contest at the Sensoji Temple in Tokyo. 80 babies, a passel of genuine sumo wrestlers, and a timer. The wrestlers hold the babies in front of them, face-to-face, arm's length, and the first baby to cry wins. (Seriously. Every year.) Daily Telegraph (London)
The latest "21 shot" fatality. A fella in Sugar Creek, Mo., out bar-hopping with "friends," accepted the challenge to down 21 shots on his 21st birthday. Examiner (Independence, Mo.)
Rare, but it happens: Nicholas Gonzalez, 23, was acquitted by a jury of his peers in Sydney, Australia, which believed that, indeed, just as Gonzalez had claimed, the jeans the woman was wearing that night were too tight to have been removable by one person, i.e., she must've helped. Sydney Morning Herald
Welshman Captain Beany (aka Barry Kirk, 55), the man who captured News of the Weird<'s attention in 1986 by sitting in a bathtub of baked beans, is running for the British Parliament, but he's morphed his character into a flatulent superhero. Agence France-Presse via Yahoo [ed. The News of the Weird column was born in February 1988, but I and my buddies John J. Kohut and Roland Sweet were then already working on our first paperback collection and saluted the baked-bean bather.]
And For Further Review . . .
If someone has a rare/rarer/rarest illness, you can bet ABC News's crack medical unit is on it, as you've seen many times in News of the Weird, including highlighting National Geographic's TV special last week about 40 families on the six billion-plus-populated Earth who have a genetic marker posing a high risk of death if they fall asleep. But the body needs sleep. On the other hand, one person of the six-billion-plus says he doesn't even need food or water. A yogi named Prahlad Jani, 83, has been hauled in by India's military for testing to determine whether he has a unique cellular structure (or just an extra BS gene). The military first started testing him 27 years ago and hasn't been able to break him. For the rest of us, though, "taxes" would seem less inevitable. ABC News /// Agence France-Presse via Google News
Newsrangers: Hal Dunham, Kathryn Wood, and Sandy Pearlman, and the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors
"You're Still Not Cynical Enough"
Exceptionally Inexplicable Dispatches from Last Week
May 3, 2010
(datelines April 24-May 1) (links correct as of May 3)
New Way of Flipping Real Estate, Plus Captain Beany, Scary Sumos, and Hyenas' Right to Privacy
Fine Points of the Law: A county judge in Missoula, Mont., got a free law lecture from Ms. Jackiya Ford, 37, whose problems at least she, personally, appears to have worked out. Ford declined to enter any plea on the various fraud charges–because Montana is not a legal entity (although "Missoula" might be). When a real estate agent showed her a house that she just loved, she tried to file a courthouse claim on it (and on all land in the 20-mile radius). She offered it sell it back to the current occupants for "$900,000" (but only silver or gold, please). She broke in, made herself at home, posted a no-trespassing sign (only exception: those with authorization from "our Lord and Savior Yahushua." (Bonus: She's pregnant.) The Missoulian
The Hudson County (N.Y.) Public Works Commissioner proudly displayed his high-tech, handicaped-accessible water fountain (agreed to in his office's 2003 settlement with the U.S. Justice Department in an Americans with Disabilities Act lawsuit. Trouble is, it's on the second floor, which is reachable from street level only by stairway (or, of course, being lowered by helicopter). (Bonus defense: Yeah, but it has all kinds of bells and whistles for the disabled–just not for the wheelchaired disabled.) Register-Star (Hudson)
In the U.S. Congress, it's "Will the gentleman (gentlewoman) yield?" In the Rada, the parliament of Ukraine, it's a volley of eggs, a smoke bomb, headlocks, glue in the voting machines, and the presiding officer hiding behind a shield of his aides' umbrellas . . because the Russian partisans in the Rada passed a 25-year extension of co-operation with Russia that the Westernists thought was way-unwarranted). How to tell who got the better deal: The legislation passed in the Rada, 236-214, and its companion passed in Russia's parliament, 410-0. Voice of America News
After a purchaser of Gary Null's Ultimate Power Meal got deathly ill, he filed a lawsuit in New York City. (Quackwatch.org says Gary Null is "one of the nation's leading promoters of dubious treatment . . ..") Plaintiff in this lawsuit: Gary Null, who claims kidney damage and major pains and bleeding from his daily regimen of Gary Null's Ultimate Power Meal. (Null is suing his manufacturing partner.) New York Daily News
A team of evangelical explorers from China and Turkey say they're "99.9" percent certain they have found Noah's Ark, over two miles up Mount Ararat in Turkey. [ed.: Let's test: Does the wood yield DNA from the animals? Don't don't fall for it if those explorers claim "Immaculate Defecation."] Agence France-Presse via News.com.au (Sydney)
Sublime: Beside a New York City subway entrance at 96th & Broadway, a street preacher . . preaching from his Kindle. New York Times
Meanwhile, Over on the Left Tail of the Bell Curve . . .
A driver in Fort Walton Beach, Fla., turned an improper-taillight charge into the more serious false-ID charge. We still don't know the perpette's name, but questioning produced several choices: You can call her Coronica Jackson, or Corica Jackson, or Cornaica Jackson, or Coninani Jackson. Northwest Florida Daily News
Kenyana McQuay, 27, and Waltia Funches, 28, were arrested in Boston for putting a beatdown on a man who had the audacity not to hold the elevator door for them. They told police the guy was rude and that they just "had to use their fists, their bags, and their feet [and a dish of pasta] to teach him a lesson." WCVB-TV (Boston)
Floyd Francis, 23, almost knocked off the Space Coast Credit Union in Palm Bay, Fla. An off-duty security guard just happened to be doing some business inside and noticed Francis looking strange, including donning his disguise after he was already inside. (Bonus: It was just a Wal-Mart shopping bag). Our hero retrieved his own 9mm from his car and got the drop on the perp as he was leaving with his stash tucked into his "disguise." Florida Today (Melbourne) [neat video!]
Below The Fold
By judicial determination, Robert Dee could well be the world's worst pro tennis player. London's Daily Telegraph (and a lot of other tennis observers) called him that, and Dee took offense under Britain's libel laws. At the time, he had just won a pro-tour match, after 54 straight losses (each in straight sets). (But then, he beat American Arzhang Serakshani [meaning that right now, Arzhang needs a hug].) The judge's verdict: If you're not the worst, you're close enough; case dismissed. Daily Telegraph [tip: AOL Fanhouse sports]
Your WTF Moment: While David Cameron speaks at last week's debate in Birmingham among the three major candidates in the upcoming British elections, Nick Clegg and Gordon Brown appear to be doing . . dance practice? New York Times
Michael Gold, 59, a New Jersey chiropractor, was charged with fraud. Finally, a chiropractor charged with fraud! (Oh, wait, it's only for illegally billing Medicare.) [ed. The way the law is worded, apparently Medicare is obligated to pay when chiropractors actually do bogus treatments but just not when they bill for them without delivering.] Star-Ledger
Sage Legal Advice (at least for Nebraskans): If you drunk-drive and cause a deadly collision, quick, GTFO and go hide for a few days 'til the booze wears off. (Maximum penalty: 5 years, for leaving the scene.) (Maximum penalty for killing someone while DUI: 50 years.) Omaha World-Herald
Bikini Girls Massage in Perth, Australia, was fined $1,500 (Aus.) for deceptively recruiting employees. (One woman had complained that she had no idea that her customers would be mostly naked and that she would be, too.) Australian Associated Press via News.com.au
Douglas County, Colo., Imitates Texas Justice: Relentless prosecutor Carol Chambers is after that next notch–insisting that Tyler Sanchez go to trial for sexual assault. Contrary evidence: Sanchez looks nothing like the reported perp; his DNA was not found on the crucial piece of evidence (the vic's panties) (Bonus: Two other men's were!); Sanchez, hearing-impaired and mentally-challenged, had to endure a 17-hour interrogation (without lawyer or parent present) and finally signed a canned, 11-sentence "confession." Denver Post
The Pervo-North-American Community
A really bad "double life": On the one hand, a highly-decorated Canadian air force commander (Col. David Russell Williams). On the other (so say the constables): a sexual predator (possibly guilty of two murders, plus kinky sexual assaults) and serial women's underwear thief. New York Times
Your Weekly Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . . until the mug shot is released]
He was arrested for domestic battery and witness-tampering. Tough call. The Smoking Gun
Larry Keith, 59 and who hasn't missed many meals, told the Wichita Eagle last week that he's still upset about being detained by police a year ago for his teensy weensy thong–just because nearly every inch of his generous body is covered with tattoos, and just because he chose to ride his bicycle downtown, to show off his ink. The police said they really only stopped him for peddling his bike too slowly in traffic [ed. an excuse that hangs together, because who wouldn't want Larry to hurry up out of town?]. Wichita Eagle
More Things To Worry About
Things Not to Do: have a billing dispute with the company you hired to clean your dog's poop out of the back yard. If you don't pay their bill, they'll just rescind the contract and return the work already completed. KTVZ-TV (Bend, Ore.)
Another Thing You Probably Haven't Worried Enough About: Dr. Brett Mills of England's University of East Anglia, in a recent journal article, complained that all those wildlife documentary makers are violating animals' "right" to privacy. [ed.: But, seriously, if two zebras are humping somewhere, are you sure it's not zebra exhibitionism?] Science Daily
Updates & Recurring Themes
It's time for more media frenzy about the annual sumo baby-crying contest at the Sensoji Temple in Tokyo. 80 babies, a passel of genuine sumo wrestlers, and a timer. The wrestlers hold the babies in front of them, face-to-face, arm's length, and the first baby to cry wins. (Seriously. Every year.) Daily Telegraph (London)
The latest "21 shot" fatality. A fella in Sugar Creek, Mo., out bar-hopping with "friends," accepted the challenge to down 21 shots on his 21st birthday. Examiner (Independence, Mo.)
Rare, but it happens: Nicholas Gonzalez, 23, was acquitted by a jury of his peers in Sydney, Australia, which believed that, indeed, just as Gonzalez had claimed, the jeans the woman was wearing that night were too tight to have been removable by one person, i.e., she must've helped. Sydney Morning Herald
Welshman Captain Beany (aka Barry Kirk, 55), the man who captured News of the Weird<'s attention in 1986 by sitting in a bathtub of baked beans, is running for the British Parliament, but he's morphed his character into a flatulent superhero. Agence France-Presse via Yahoo [ed. The News of the Weird column was born in February 1988, but I and my buddies John J. Kohut and Roland Sweet were then already working on our first paperback collection and saluted the baked-bean bather.]
And For Further Review . . .
If someone has a rare/rarer/rarest illness, you can bet ABC News's crack medical unit is on it, as you've seen many times in News of the Weird, including highlighting National Geographic's TV special last week about 40 families on the six billion-plus-populated Earth who have a genetic marker posing a high risk of death if they fall asleep. But the body needs sleep. On the other hand, one person of the six-billion-plus says he doesn't even need food or water. A yogi named Prahlad Jani, 83, has been hauled in by India's military for testing to determine whether he has a unique cellular structure (or just an extra BS gene). The military first started testing him 27 years ago and hasn't been able to break him. For the rest of us, though, "taxes" would seem less inevitable. ABC News /// Agence France-Presse via Google News
Newsrangers: Hal Dunham, Kathryn Wood, and Sandy Pearlman, and the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors
Comments
Ms Ford should be able to pay her $50,000 bond only in pure gold or silver.
Leopard-boy: That's a seriously whacked-out dude - what the heck do you have to take to be able to get your ears tattooed???
Larry Keith: dude, you wanted to show off the ink, and they made you wait half an hour in public, and now you're all wah, wah, wah. There's no crying in the tattoo world!!
(((Arzhang)))
Captain Beany: y'know, I might vote for him, if I could!
Prahlad Jani: I vote for the BS gene, although I should think the test is fairly simple: put him in a cell with no food or water for a couple or three days, and see what happens.
Leopard-boy: That's a seriously whacked-out dude - what the heck do you have to take to be able to get your ears tattooed???
Larry Keith: dude, you wanted to show off the ink, and they made you wait half an hour in public, and now you're all wah, wah, wah. There's no crying in the tattoo world!!
(((Arzhang)))
Captain Beany: y'know, I might vote for him, if I could!
Prahlad Jani: I vote for the BS gene, although I should think the test is fairly simple: put him in a cell with no food or water for a couple or three days, and see what happens.
Posted by TheCannyScot in Atlanta, GA on 05/03/10 at 09:31 AM
Noah's Ark There were pictures, way back the 50's, of some "ark-like" structure up there on the Russian side. Then, again just recently.
F-State Driver After the woman spelled it 3 different times, "The deputy noted in his report that he 'detected deception'. Tell me he's up for a detective's shield.
Elevator Beat-down Check out the next two head lines on the same page:
Water Pipe Fixed; Drinking Water Still Not Safe
Town Bans Bottled Water Sales
Floyd Francis Paper or plastic?
Bikini Girls Massage This is even too dumb to comment on with any success of the level of scorn for the judge that would be appropriate.
Jury Duty A Guilty of at least impersonating a giraffe.
Jury Duty B Innocent! No tick-ee - no crime-ee.
Zebra Porn Look out David Attenborough!
Sumo Baby-Crying As if babies need a @#$#$@$ excuse!
Nicholas Gonzalez There were 6 women on the jury and coming from an era where tight jeans were the fashion, I'd have to agree; especially if she had sweat in them.
Captain Beany Politicians are accused of being full of hot air anyhow, so where's the <strike>beef</strike> bean dip?
F-State Driver After the woman spelled it 3 different times, "The deputy noted in his report that he 'detected deception'. Tell me he's up for a detective's shield.
Elevator Beat-down Check out the next two head lines on the same page:
Water Pipe Fixed; Drinking Water Still Not Safe
Town Bans Bottled Water Sales
Floyd Francis Paper or plastic?
Bikini Girls Massage This is even too dumb to comment on with any success of the level of scorn for the judge that would be appropriate.
Jury Duty A Guilty of at least impersonating a giraffe.
Jury Duty B Innocent! No tick-ee - no crime-ee.
Zebra Porn Look out David Attenborough!
Sumo Baby-Crying As if babies need a @#$#$@$ excuse!
Nicholas Gonzalez There were 6 women on the jury and coming from an era where tight jeans were the fashion, I'd have to agree; especially if she had sweat in them.
Captain Beany Politicians are accused of being full of hot air anyhow, so where's the <strike>beef</strike> bean dip?
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 05/03/10 at 10:03 AM
@Bill: Burqas and djellabas.
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 05/03/10 at 10:48 AM
Noah's ark has been "found" so many times he must have had a regular armada!
One question though, how can they tell it's Noah's ark and not the ark of one of the many other flood myths?
One question though, how can they tell it's Noah's ark and not the ark of one of the many other flood myths?
Posted by Dumbfounded on 05/04/10 at 05:53 AM
Noah's Ark: From the news item, "The team said it had recovered wooden specimens [...] that carbon dating proved was 4800 years old".
If you're trying to confirm the biblical flood actually happened, admitting to the accuracy of carbon dating is probably not the best start.
😕
If you're trying to confirm the biblical flood actually happened, admitting to the accuracy of carbon dating is probably not the best start.
😕
Posted by Dumbfounded on 05/04/10 at 11:58 AM
"Finally, a chiropractor charged with fraud!"
I wonder if there's any statistics on which, relatively, has killed and damaged more patients, chiropractors or the pills & surgery crowd? Chiropracty CAN be effective -- both my wife and I had upper cervical adjustments that have rid us of some life-long problems. But in general, well, apply Sturgeon's Revelation.! The first upper cervical guy my wife went to, it's lucky she survived. (Unsolicited testimony: if you're looking, find a bona fide NUCCA doc.) I liked the chiropractor in the Penn & Teller Bu!!$#!+ episode warning against chiropractors. So does ours, and, oh, what stories he knows from the inside about what's wrong with chiropracty!
I wonder if there's any statistics on which, relatively, has killed and damaged more patients, chiropractors or the pills & surgery crowd? Chiropracty CAN be effective -- both my wife and I had upper cervical adjustments that have rid us of some life-long problems. But in general, well, apply Sturgeon's Revelation.! The first upper cervical guy my wife went to, it's lucky she survived. (Unsolicited testimony: if you're looking, find a bona fide NUCCA doc.) I liked the chiropractor in the Penn & Teller Bu!!$#!+ episode warning against chiropractors. So does ours, and, oh, what stories he knows from the inside about what's wrong with chiropracty!
Posted by Nat Strainer on 05/05/10 at 10:39 PM
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